Waiting..........

   

  Waiting... When I think of waiting I picture myself in a line that isn't moving. My legs are getting tired; I'm getting restless, I'm hungry and I'm beginning to lose my patience. I'm ready to turn around and walk out the door and come back another time. But you know what, we wait— all the time in our lives. We're standing still while our lives are passing us by. And you know what else, God called us to a life filled with action, not a life filled with impatient passivity. Watching the days pass by, as we wait for something that we really want.

    For anyone who knows me, you know that I struggle with winter's, a lot. It isn't just the snow or the cold, it wreaks havoc on my body. I'm in a great deal of pain, every single day. It's tempting for me to just muddle through the winter months that pass, holding onto the hope of spring- with no care of the time in between. I've done it before and I've found that I missed out on my life. There was an entire block of time I wasn't actually present in, I wasn't engaged, I was too busy waiting.

   Waiting can keep you busy, even as some part of you is standing still- you're still busy. You're fixated on your chosen focal point and not paying much mind to what is going on around you. The days blur and run one right into the next. You wake up and do things and you go to bed, unfulfilled, waiting for the next day to come because hopefully, it will be better. I think it's easy to get into this frame of mind when you do suffer from chronic pain, whether it be physical or emotional. We're always holding out hope in the mean time.

   I came to the realization that while waiting for the better days to come, I wasn't living my life. I was accomplishing tasks but not living. I was getting the things I needed to get done for the day but not actually living my life. It wasn't fulfilling. It wasn't satisfying. It wasn't godly.

    "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God' love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

    "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24

    "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:12

    We can't run this race, standing still... Life is a race. The life we have been called to, is a race. There is an element of peace and rest that is always available to us through Christ Jesus our Lord, it can only be accomplished through Him. But the life we are called to isn't accomplished through our indignant complacency. When we're impatiently waiting for "the next best thing" we are essentially saying— I don't care about all this other stuff, I just want to get to the thing I have my eyes on. And that my friends, isn't living.

    God is in the small stuff. He's in the ordinary stuff. He's in the everyday stuff and we'll be remiss to see Him if we're focusing on something far off in the future. I know there are souls out there who feel as though God doesn't speak to them but my question is, are you listening or are you somewhere else?

   Pain sucks, we want to escape it. Uncomfortable situations are miserable. Heart break is awful. Winter (for me) is absolute misery. Dealing with difficult circumstances really begins to wear on you. I get it. I truly do. But as another birthday comes and goes and you look in the mirror and see that you've more wrinkles or see a new gray hair, realize that your life is passing by as you wait. Stop waiting! Your life is right now! It is here, in this place, doing the things you're doing, with the people you're with. Don't go to bed with the to-do list checked off anymore, live through it. Don't merely survive the days, live through them. As difficult as some days may be but be encouraged that the Lord is always with you. He truly is. We can't see Him if we're looking forward to a day somewhere off in the future because He is here now.

    "This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

     Live your life now, stop waiting. Even if this life that you currently have isn't what you wanted, there is always a hope for the future. But to take hold of that future life, we must persevere through the life at hand, and do it with a joy filled heart. God is in today, He is all around us— just look for Him. We can't afford to take up a position of standing still within the recesses of our hearts when we're called to a race. Envision the finish line but enjoy and participate in the race as you travel along, it will be well worth the journey, to one day arrive before the Father and hear- "Well done, good and faithful servant." Oh those words are enough, to know I made my Father proud, living my life in full capacity. He is the only one I want to please, He is the only one whose opinion matters.

    Be blessed today friends.

When your heart breaks

     I used to think I was a nice person when I was younger... I was nice to the people I knew, I would give them the shirt off my back if they needed it. Paying for lunch was my pleasure. I wasn't afraid to smile at strangers. I'd watch the news and hear stories but would carry on with my life. I figured as long as it wasn't near me or wasn't anyone I knew, it was almost as though it wasn't real. It was on TV, it didn't feel real. I avoided thinking about the pain, I didn't want to. Who wants to feel pain? But the truth was, my heart was stone. Until I met Jesus my heart was made out of stone. He is the only one who can give us a new heart, one that is soft and kind. No matter how good we think we are, we have no shot at anything perceived as goodness unless Jesus is our savior. And even then, the goodness that does come from us is in fact His goodness radiating from us.

     "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

    My heart broke in an irreparable way. Sure, I don't walk around with my head hung low, sobbing every day anymore. God soothed and mended my broken heart but the crack that occurred 3 years ago is still there. It doesn't hurt the way it used to. Now, I feel, mostly love pours forth from it. It wouldn't have been possible without God, this I assure you.
   
         "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 146:3

     I absolutely counted on that scripture to become a reality in my life and eventually, after I stopped trying to force myself to live again, that scripture became a reality to me. It wasn't just some quaint fragment that someone once shared with me. It was something I read and was written on the tablet of my heart. I prayed and poured over it. I begged that it would become real to me because I didn't want to be lost in the darkness anymore. And once I began to reemerge again, I felt the Spirit tell me that the crack in my heart that I suffered would remain because that was where His light would shine through. I had two choices; be bitter or let His light shine through- through my deepest pain. Here I am. I'm not bitter. I don't "feel" broken. My heart swells with His love and my own wonderment. He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my rock and my salvation.

     I often look back across this journey with Cookiepants and dote upon the work of God in our lives. The utter lengths we've been taken to and the lessons we've learned from them and the growth that we've yielded. But none of this would have been made possible had our hearts not been stripped bare of all the "worldly overgrowth." Whether it's the correct answer or not, I've come to the determination that this was necessary. God is still sovereign. He is still on the throne. He will birth good from this, He already has.

     I look into Cookiepants' eyes and wonder what she sees? Does she see her mom? Or am I just some nice lady that kisses her and tells her she's beautiful? Does she know that I love her? Does she know she's safe here with us and that we'll care for her even unto our last breath? Will she stay here for a while longer? These are some hard questions that pass through my mind, often. I try not to ask them or even entertain them in my mind because they're far more painful than anything any parent truly wants to think about. They often cause me to cry, from deep within the crack in my heart- the one that never fully healed but yet, is mended. God is there. God is here. I've often prayed that when Cookiepants is quietly giggling to herself, the angels are telling her about her life here, in a way that she understands. I pray that they tell her how much we love her and that I feel honored to be her mom. Oh when those bright blue-green eyes look up at me, I feel nothing but love. A love like no other I've ever felt...

    So you see, the break is still there. God has filled it in and continues to, in a way only He can. I'm happy to let Him, He will do a far better job than I ever could. One last bit of encouragement—

    "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

    He will. I assure you of this one thing. Earnestly seek Him in your brokenness and He will be there.

    We live in a fallen world, where fallen things happen. But God is good, all the time. There is nothing about Him that isn't good. We often don't understand the things that happen in the world, I certainly don't. I don't love this world, I love many people who are passing through here... But there is a place where things are all made right. I yearn for it. I long for it. There is an "alarm" that often goes off within me, reminding me of how wrong the world is... I am grateful this isn't my home. But Jesus is making a place for me and for anyone else who trusts in Him. I will be elated when-
     
      "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

    One day dear friends... One day.
    Be a blessing to someone today, they need it.

When the hand of judgement comes against you...

     I am not speaking in terms of God's judgement here today, I am speaking of your fellow man or woman. One of the easiest things to do is to sit back and watch your fellow man and commentate and judge their every move. We have a natural bent toward doing so. We make assessments everyday. We evaluate. We perceive. And we judge. We assume, too.

    Judging is harmful, not only to the other person but also to us. Judging lumps the other person into a category without a collection of all the facts. Judging others also puts us in great danger of future judgement from God and from others.

    "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2

     I don't want that coming back at me, if I judged someone harshly- not knowing every scrap of the their lives in order to make an assessment.

     "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3

     Matthew 7:3 has been one of my favorite scriptures regarding judgement of others, it has been my go-to reminder that none of us are perfect.

     "Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you— who are you to judge your neighbor?" James 4:11-12

     I think the last scripture just sealed the deal on this one... We have no right. We have no right to make up excuses as to why we think we know better about something or someone. We were not given their life. We were not given their children. We do not have their job. We do not have their spouse. We did not acquire their life experiences.

    Go on then and continue judging, exalting your own authority and knowledge over God. Because I know this is a weak spot for me as a human, I talk to the Holy Spirit about it daily. I ask for the help not to pass judgement on others. It is a conscious effort on my part to receive help in this area. We all need this help. I am grateful for the help, without it, I could be a gossiping, judgement filled person. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that and I certainly wouldn't want to be that "me" come judgement day.

    Being a special needs Mom and having extraordinary responsibilities, I am called to consult God on seemingly ordinary issues. I feel I must in order to make the best possible decisions regarding Cookiepants. I don't follow ordinary medical guidelines. I don't follow ordinary advice. We don't have an ordinary child but an extraordinary one. We don't "do" typical; normal, ordinary, orthodox, status quo, general recommendations. All that got thrown out the window. It hasn't been what is best.

     Because of what we are doing, we have been commended by Cookiepants' doctor's for development and lack of dependence on medications. She has thrived given the environment we have created for her and taking into account the precautions we have followed. God gave us this child because HE KNEW we would be the parents she needed. He knew we would be a couple of boxers in the ring for her. He knew we would fight. He knew we would be hard in the places we need to be and be soft when that was needed too. He knew we would know what was serious and what wasn't. He knew we would take the utmost of care of and for her. We made an agreement the day we brought her home, we agreed that we would fight, knowing that God had the ultimate say. We have had to have utter dependence on God with this child. There has been no other way about it.

    God has fought for us too. He has fought against the nay-sayers. He has fought against those who judge us for doing what we do. He has fought against the enemy in order to give us a safe and spacious home for our family. God has fought because we've sought Him in our circumstances. Our decisions haven't been haphazard or just because we want to be a couple of jerks. There has been a reason for every determination we've come to. It has been from a place of love. It has come from a place of wisdom.

    I have no doubt that we will continue to be came against, but I am confident our God will be in our corner. Everyday is a continual act of surrender to His will and His power in our lives. Moment by moment we give over to Him the things and people in our lives that needs attention. We were confidently given this life; our personalities, our experiences, our children, our jobs by an Almighty God. Therefore the only judgement and scrutiny we will stand under is His. He is worthy. He is praiseworthy. He is mighty. He is amazing! He is all powerful.

    Take heart dear friends when you come under the judgement of others, when God has ordained something in your life, have no fear of the judgement of man. Let it not dictate what you do or how you respond. Being in right standing with God is the only thing that matters.

    Be blessed.

Super-Mom!!!

     I wouldn't dare name myself super-mom, on a "I really mean it" kind of level but some days, super-mom is what the day requires. I was a mom before Cookiepants came into the world but I was a mom of a typical child. One who met developmental milestones at a typical time. One who was able to eat without struggle. One who responded typically with smiles and began to speak. But it wasn't until 3 years ago that I came to grips with what it meant to become an above and beyond mom, almost like a super-mom.

    They say over the span of the first 2 years of a child's life, a parents lose 6 months worth of sleep. Yeah, you read that right, 6 months. I am convinced, it was more with Cookiepants, in fact I know it was more. For the first several month of her life, my husband and I slept in shifts. We were often awoken by an alarm or a raspy terrified cry. It was difficult to reach a place mentally to shut it down and sleep for the night. I woke up every morning and grabbed the largest can of caffeine I could find in the house just so I could begin to think about functioning.

    Any iota of selfishness has been dashed away... If it rears it's ugly head, something that happens throughout the day with expose it and slaughter it. I used to be a selfish person, who wasn't when it was just them and lived alone etc. It was hard not to be selfish. I didn't share my space with anyone. I had a schedule that wasn't rigorous, a schedule I enjoyed. I lavished myself in sleep whenever I wanted and I ate whatever the heck I wanted. I saw no problem with my selfishness, in fact, I embraced it.

    Selfishness can't be found here. Here you are poured out until you have nothing more to give and then you're asked for more. It's become easier though, I must admit. We're not walking zombies anymore. I've actually been able to eat more hot meals in the last few months that I probably did in the first year or so of Cookiepants' life. And we're working on staying on a good sleep schedule. We're challenged on it from time to time but we fight to get it back.

    Because we have one extraordinary child in the house, we're called to be extraordinary parents and people. Which often means- different. We're different. We're not typical people, at least not anymore, whereas we may have been before. But something changed in a deep and immovable way, deep within us. We can't panic in the face of medical emergencies. Worry as we've discovered causes us to lose even more of the sleep that we're missing out on. We have to be flexible. We can't carve out precise schedules anymore. And arrival times have turned into a "suggested arrival time." We can't make solid plans or it's rather difficult to, at least. -Especially during the long-lasting winter around here. We have to arrive anywhere prepared or know where to buy specific things where we're going. We have to be open-minded. Did I mention a wealth of patience? We have to continually choose patience because if we were people with short fuses, we wouldn't survive a day in this house.

   It isn't madness really, it's just different. It's a different way to view life, it's a different way to approach the day, each day. Caring for a medically sensitive child is so different that I almost felt ill-equipped to care for our son when he was born after Cookiepants. But much like riding a bike, I knew what to do.

    I've discovered through this journey that seeking happiness isn't the aim here, it's developing holiness. Becoming more Christ-like. And maybe this was the thing that needed to happen to me in order for me to become more Christ-like. I have peace now, in knowing this was carefully considered for my life, as a person and as a mother. This wasn't some random occurrence. It was determined. I can see, with my limited human eyes the wealth of benefits that I've reaped from this experience and the effect it's had on me. The positives far outweigh the negatives. Even with all the extra "work" and planning. I wouldn't change this. It wasn't a matter of what I gave up to have this life but what I've gained.

    I've gained an amazing perspective on life itself. How fragile it is and how beautiful it is. How fleeting it is. Death still is, as it has always been, strange to me. I live with someone who by most medical standards, shouldn't be here. She is a miracle. I feel especially blessed to have a tiny miracle living under the same roof as me. This life has shaken me out of my need to plan everything single detail. Cookiepants took care of that. No two days are the same, nor will they ever be. It has trained me to trust in the Lord each moment of the day for everything I need so I can care for/do whatever I need to do that day. I've learned to pray and praise often. There is no such thing as praying or praising too often. In fact, there's always room for improvement here.

    Most of all, I've learned to lean heavily on God each day. I don't have a view of what the day will be ahead. I truly don't. I have a picture in my mind how a typical day looks or how it will go. Picture if you will, driving down a road with dense fog. You have your headlights on, you can see possibly 2 feet in front of your car and that is all. You keep driving because you need to get to your destination. I keep going each day because I have to. God has a view of the entire road. God has a view of your entire life. So you keep driving and nearly blindly trusting even though you can't see whats ahead. God has me on this road for a reason, He can see what I cannot. I will trust Him through the fog. I will trust that He will supply my every need. He will continue to equip me to do the things I have to do.

     Any bit of super-mom that I am, I owe all the praise and glory to my Heavenly Father. A God who has carefully equipped me to be the woman and mother than I am. Everyday I learn something new, this is a process that has a set time, a time which I do not know the end. I will keep trusting in Him who does know.

    When you see a super-mom, pray for her... She's walking in a pair of shoes no one can understand unless you've worn those shoes. This road compares to no other, make no assumptions nor judgments. We're doing the best we can.

 Be blessed friends!

   

When winter ends...

    Today is March 13th, 2017. We just turned our clocks forward early Sunday morning and spring is next week. I remember when I was a kid, as soon as the calendar turned to March I would dig out all of my summer clothes. I would put them on believing that if I embraced the spring and summer season, that the weather outside would follow— immediately. Boy was I ever wrong.

     Here I am just a wee bit older, filled with the same empty feeling in my spirit and itching with a similar temptation for an all out protest of winter. What is it about this season of the year that causes such a vast emptiness within me? Is it the cold? The gray overtones and brown undertones outside? The fact that life has appeared to come to a halt yet everything is still in motion? I think it's a combination of all these things. Not to mention the body aches and pains I experience just from the cold.

    When the world looks alive with green and animals scurrying about I can't help but look forward to getting out of bed and embracing the day. It's exciting! Even if I have nothing planned for the day. There is something invigorating about spring and summer, a coming alive of everything! The trees begin budding; the flowers begin the bloom, the birds are singing, there are sweet smells in the air. Spring and summer are all together lovely.

    But what about a different winter in life? The kind that is no respecter of seasons? The winter that is heavy laden with struggles and strife? We've all had them. Our lives getting hit with one snow storm after another until we're nearly buried. There is only one man who can dig us out, Jesus! We've had our share of winter storms, they arrived no matter what season it was outside. Although, they were more tolerable when the weather was warm...

   For me, winter is a winter season all in it's own. I struggle with it deeply. I know that I need Jesus everyday to push me through and give me enough strength to get through the day. Waking up with a headache everyday isn't fun, nor are the golf ball sized knots in my shoulders and neck. All due to the cold weather. After a while it becomes difficult to shine when the weather isn't shining but I still do. I know Jesus is the one that enables me to. If I gave into my flesh everyday would be filled with a dissertation about how miserable winter is and how much I hate it. And I would be the most rotten person to be around. I don't want to be that person, even though somewhere within me I feel that way.

    So, I guess I'm writing this blog to share that even though I am not where I want to be right now, I know there is hope. And I'm not just talking about the mark of spring on the calendar next week. I'm talking about a hope that one day God will open the door for a move to a more appropriate climate for myself and my family.

   I remember the first time I went to the ocean when I was 3, I fell in love with it. The sand between my toes; the smell, the sound of the waves, the utter freedom and wonder. It's still a very clear memory for me. Every time I return I'm reunited with something that has otherwise lain sleeping. There has been nothing else that has compared to it, I am in awe of God's wonders when I stand before His majestic ocean.

    A couple years ago our family took a trip to Myrtle beach, South Carolina. Unbeknownst to me my husband made arrangements for our hotel room. I had no idea what lay behind that hotel room door and as soon as it swung open I was taken aback by the view... My husband bought me the ocean! And of course I cried, I was swept up with emotion by his thoughtfulness and love for me. That was a moment I will never forget. It's a time I dote upon on the cold and wintry days.

    Though half of my life has been spent with a season I have a deep disdain for, I still have hope. I have hope that one day we will live near the ocean. One day the sun will be out everyday. I know that we will not be free from life's troubles but weather of preference certainly does go a long way in my book.

    Here's to an early spring filled with beautiful flowers, bright sun and the joys of life in spite of our circumstances.

   Sending much love from a snowy Wisconsin!

We're still here!

    2016 gave us white knuckles at times, barely holding onto much of anything and certainly not ourselves. Once again it was another year of learning; trial/error, crashing and burning too. It was a year of sitting and watching as those around us were living their lives while it felt like we were living someone else's.

    We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.

    If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.

   He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.

     I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.

     One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?

     I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.

    The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.

    There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.

    So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.

   Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.

     2017, here we come!
     God bless.

Adulting doesn't have to suck.

       Psssssssst..... come'ere, I wanna tell you a secret... Come a little closer- there, that's perfect. You ready?
      -Just because we're adults, our life doesn't have to suck... No really, It doesn't. -Yes, of course I'm serious, you don't have to look so bewildered.

       I've recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be all work and no play or laughter or planning everything to the nth degree. I've seen a meme going around the internet that the Bible says: "Fear not" like 365 times but I think it may actually be more. I haven't counted, that would take a lot of time. Okay, cross check, Google says it is indeed 365 times. So guess what, that's no coincidence and there is in fact one "fear not" for each day of the year!

      Think about that for a minute, what is the root of all your adulting anxiety? I know what mine is, FEAR! I had one smart college professor that professed that fear was- False Evidence Appearing Real. That really stuck with me!

     I still have days where my mind starts spinning out of control with all the what if's and believe me, there are a lot of them. But honestly, as of late, I really just don't care. They're not my problem. Jesus told me to come to Him and He would give me rest and give me His yoke which is much easier than mine. So guess what, daily (dismissing fear) I turn over my burdens to Him. He's got it. Yes, He's strong enough. Who else could have managed to die on the cross for all the sins of the world? God in the flesh, that's who.

      With my new "fear not" banner waving proudly in the air (courtesy of Jesus, of course) I've had the distinct pleasure of feeling alive again. Yes, alive. No, I wasn't dead before but I surely wasn't living... I was getting by each day, head hitting the pillow exhausted. Oh I'm still tired some days, I'm human but my heart isn't so heavily weighed down with all the burdens of life.

      We of course have a unique circumstance in our house, our daughter... Whose fate we can't be certain, we don't know any of our fates but there is one things we do know about our fate- where we're going. That is one thing that helps me sleep at night, should anything happen to any one of us, we will one day be together again. Thank you Lord Jesus!!! I can't thank Him enough and I can't manage to live my life enough for Him either! It's a debt I simply pay nor did He expect me to. He just wants me to trust Him. So, everyday I wake up there is an exchange that takes place. I hand over my stuff and He gives me His peace. Yes, It's that easy... There are times throughout the day where the enemy tries to steal it but it's as simple as readjusting my vision back to Him.

      It has absolutely broken me how little I've been "living" rather than just getting by and surviving the day. Yes, broken. It's been like a thick cloud of oppression. It was dark and thick and miserable in there. I wasn't alone in there, maybe it was something I needed to go though to get to where I am now and have some staying power here. I never knew a sadness like I became acquainted with other the last two years, it was debilitating. There are still days where I feel emotional but I've learned that I need to experience them rather than suppress them.

      On the difficult days I know I can kneel at the foot of the cross and surrender everything over to Jesus once more. There isn't a limit. There is no end to His love and understanding. He will never tell me to go away. And He will never leave my side.

     I'm re-learning how to be an adult, the most responsible way I know how. It's been a matter of erasing everything I thought that I knew and replacing it with His truths. I'm letting go of the wheel and giving it over to Him, Jesus will do a much better job of avoiding the pot holes and pit falls of life than I will. I can have a bit more fun too because I'm not shouldering all that unnecessary responsibility that just isn't mine. It's not mine, say it with me. IT'S NOT MINE! Now give up. Really, it's safe, give up. Give it over to Jesus and start to live for Him rather than for whatever the world is telling you to live for. If you're living for Him, you're loving people in all the right ways. You're doing your part in the world but the stress is gone. Poof! Gone.

      The heck with stress and anxiety and all those other awful things were plagued with. Screw them all! We don't need them, do we? Life is so hard that we don't even get out of here alive... Haha... sorry, a little humor there. But we can have eternal life and that friends, that is a beautiful thing!

      Hey, don't let adulting get you down. Talk to Jesus, He'd love to hear from you and He'd love to share in your burdens with you and your triumphs. He's an amazing man.

    I'm off to go color in my blanket fort, have a stellar day friends!

The purpose in life...

   Let me just preface this by saying, I love the book of Ecclesiastes... I think about the wisdom in just that book alone because I have a lot of time to think about life and what it's all about. I don't know many people who do enjoy reading it, if you don't interpret it correctly, it's the most depressing book ever! But I love it.

   So, we're going to go through and ponder some of the things that are brought forth to our attention and how it relates to now. Don't be shy, read on. And No I'm not gonna hit you over the head with a Bible either.

    "I have see all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 1;14
    Now what do you suppose that means? He digs in...

   "I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects; I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them...... I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecc 2:3-5, 9-11

    Wow, this guy had everything imaginable but still his ultimate revelation was- he wasn't happy and really, it was all still just meaningless.

    Have you ever been there? You thought to yourself that you had everything that you wanted (without even being greedy) this was it, this was all you needed? I think we all have. I know I have at one point or another. But then, something else came along, something else that would make the picture even more complete. It would be the icing on the cake- so they say. Let's say you achieved it, but there is always going to be something else.

   Have you ever wondered if everything that you do serves no purpose but to keep you entertained while you're here? We take everything so seriously, it seems. Except the right things. Think about that for a moment. Your car that you wax every weekend during the summer, do you buy your wife flowers every weekend too? Or the cell phones that never leave our sides, do we take such notice and care to regarding the food we put in our bodies?  I think you get my point, I hope so...

   I'm not standing on a soap box as I type this, I'm guilty on where my priorities are, I write these blogs more for me than for all of you. I'm just hoping to start some kind of a revolution here, one that's filled with love instead of hatred. I know the word love gets tossed around an awful lot but is it really love???

   What else does the teacher say in this book?

   "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God." Ecc 3:12-13

   Oh I love this book!
   ... set eternity in the hearts of men? Somewhere deep within us, we know this isn't it. I think to fill the void, the grasping and grabbing, we try to fill this "knowing" with everything imaginable other than God. Oh yeah... guilty. I used to love shopping, it made me happy for a little while, then I'd find something else that I wanted.

   "There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 'For whom am I toiling' he asked, 'And why and I depriving myself of enjoyment.'  -This too is meaningless- a miserable business." Ecc 4:8

  That's really sad, all that stuff and work put into it, with no one to share it with. Notice, the teacher says, 'miserable' here? It is miserable and lonely and meaningless!

   "Naked a man comes from the womb, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand." Ecc 5:15

    When you pass on, who gets your empire? Okay, so you have a beneficiary designated. Will they spend it wisely? Share the wealth while you're here, at least then you'll be obeying Gods commands AND you'll know where the good are going.

   "The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecc 7:18

   All extremes of what? (to paraphrase) perishing in righteousness, wickedness, overly righteous, foolishness...

   "Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every detail into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." Ecc 12:13-14

   Why these? These are some of my favorites from this book, outlining some of the key points made through out the book. What good is wealth with no one to share it with? Finding satisfaction in what we're doing, knowing that it's a blessing from God, not just luck or fate. We came here with nothing, we will leave with nothing... It's not depressing, it's just facts. Solomon, who was said to be the wisest man to have ever lived is the one known to have written this book. The entire book is packed with wisdom. Wisdom is what he was known for.

   Keep Gods commandments... Jesus came and had what is often referred to as the greatest commandment. It's found in Matthew 22:36-40

   "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Jesus replied; "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it; 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."

   If you're loving God with all you have and loving others, which often gives birth to enjoyment in what you do while you spend your days under the sun... This is the point of life then, isn't it? So If you've even wondered what the point to life is, this is it. The root of it is love, love God and love others.

   Hey, thanks for reading along with me. Read Ecclesiastes on your own if you wish, it really is a fantastic book. And it's not break neck long either.

   Love! It's all about love, the real kind. Not the manufactured garbage the world pumps out, love originates from God. We can love others because He loved us first.


 

Reflections

     I remember my 20's... They weren't that long ago, really. But I often wonder where they went and what the hell happened?
    I remember the days of not having an agenda; sleeping until I just woke up, working so I had enough money for the essentials and a whole lot of fun...
 
     What makes my 20's even stranger is how at times, I feel like I'm a 15 year old trapped in a 30 somethings body. I look at my three kids someday's and think to myself, I'm somebody's mother? It's not that I never thought I'd have kids, I knew I always wanted to, it just seems like sometimes it snuck up so fast on me. As if it were an over night thing, like BAM here you go- 3 kids...
 
     What on earth happened? When did life get so serious? Or at least it sure feels that way. Life the last several years has felt like a list of don't do's. I miss trying new things and going new places... I miss having fun.

   I know of a real turning point for me and not for the better either... When Cookie was born. You know that moment right before something really bad is about to happen? You're frozen in place, watching, waiting for the impact? If you've ever been in a car accident that you saw coming, you know what I'm talking about then. I've been living there, someday's. I'm holding my breath, I'm braced for impact, my eyes widened... I've been there for over two years.

   The strange thing is, we've had some really good days lately. The weather has been warm and the sun has been shining bright. It's the perfect combination for Cookie to have a good day and she's been having a lot more of them lately. I've even been laughing a bit more, smiling and doting upon how "good" things have been but somewhere in me, I'm still posed for disaster.

    Jesus said He came to give us life to the full. That scripture often cycles through my mind. I'm not living. Not even close. Someday's I come to the conclusion that I left my heart bleeding on the floor of that hospital where one of our worst nightmares came true. At least we thought it was a nightmare...

    In the midst of this great trial, we've discovered what a blessing all of this is. Now, I've never been the greatest at coping with the hard stuff, I've been accustomed to just shutting down. It's always been easier to deal with the pain that way. Due to the nature of this life lesson, being that it isn't temporary or so it seems, it's going to last a while... I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to learn how to live like this... Really live, not just get by. Though I've been walking it out for over two years now, it's time to pull the veil down and feel everything again, even if it hurts.

   I don't think anyone likes pain... I've endured three labor's; an unhealthy helping of dental pain, heartache, broken bones, wounds etc. But I don't know many that would willingly walk into it, yelling; "hit me again."

    We're all here, walking through fire just to get to the other side. Everyone's blaze looks different from the next guy or gal's. We've all come from different places, gone through different things and were affected by those things respective to who we are. It's shaped us.

    I've thought a lot about how I want this to shape me... It's already begun but I just need to let go and let the Lord go to work on me. I don't know most days what it is that I'm holding onto? Am I afraid that I'll lose myself? The person I once knew myself to be? I know I'm not her anymore. If there is anything that I do know, it's that after everything we've been through the last couple of years, we could never be those people again. We've been forever changed. I take heart in knowing that I'm closer to being like Jesus than I ever was. I feel it in my heart. That is the ultimate goal while I'm here, after all.  "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35

     We didn't think this was what we signed up for but it was, walking with the Lord. It was bigger than my "down for whatever" mentality that I had when I was in my 20's. In my 20's I was reckless and didn't really care about anything or anyone but myself. When I came to Jesus, I did sign up for "down for whatever." I am to "take up my cross daily." I still have a long way to go, being more like Jesus. I'm a work in progress. I'd rather be plodding forward than just sitting and sulking over what I thought could have been.

   I know that was a hang up of mine, the picture I had in my head. It looks nothing like what I see. It wasn't a part of the plan. But how often for life look like the picture in your head? We often think we know whats best for us. The easier way through life. The un-messy life. You know what, I'd get bored. I do that... I get bored pretty easily, I really do.

    I've been challenged to live a life without boredom. Sure, I have days that I get bored, plenty of them. But they're messy days. They're unpredictable days. In my 20's, everything was pretty predictable. It was perfect for who I was then but not for who I am now. Fortunately, I've evolved beyond that woman. I care a lot more. I love a lot harder, I finally know what love really is. It's taken me all of this to learn what love is. I know that the whole point of being here is love... The world is missing the point or hatred is masked as love. Think about that one and what you see all around you now. That's another story for another day.

   Another scripture that has been coming to mind lately has been: "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39

   I think about it often, handing over the vision I had in my head in exchange for what the Lord has in store for me. I surrender! Again, I surrender... I can't keep fighting what is for what I thought I wanted. Okay Lord, give me your vision. Show me what you want, I want to love like you do. And help me to choose peace about it rather than feeling defeated.

    When I feel like I just can't do it anymore, that still small voice reminds me I'm not alone. Keep going! C'mon, this way love, you've got it. Don't give up now...

    I know that I won't have it my way, it's getting my mind to agree with what my heart already knows.

    My 20's are gone, along with a wayward life. I have more purpose now than I ever did before and I'm working on embracing His vision. Here we go...