I needed a place to go today.

I needed a place to go today, not a place to air all my grievances but a place where I could just feel safe to share what is on my heart and on my mind today. Somewhere, someone would understand... So, naturally I turn to the Holy Spirit, who can decipher even my deep signs and groans.

I know I have not written here in a very long time but it has actually been a really difficult year, plagued with many lengthy hospital visits for Cookiepants. She is home, we got home again this past Saturday. We had such high hopes for this last visit, a surgery that in theory would have alleviatedI some of her digestive discomfort. But here we are staring into the face of the same beast that has troubled her since birth, manifesting itself as uncontrollable screaming and punching and being generally inconsolable.

I cry out to the Holy Spirit for His help and His guidance every single day. Whom else should I cry out to but my Father? He is filled with all knowledge and wisdom and is the only one who has what I need. Whether it be comfort or wisdom, He has it. And honestly, I just like spending time with Him. He gets me.

Being a special needs parent has not gotten easier. You just get to a place where you are pushed beyond your, "never will I ever's" and you fix your messy bun, refill your tea mug with the strongest tea you can import and you deal. You stare into the face of all the things you never wanted to do, all of the things no parent ever dreams about doing. In our case, many days have been an especially tailored nightmare. We do our best every single day but some days it just isn't enough.

While we were in the hospital, I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to do. The Holy Spirit whispered, "Sara, you have the ability to bring a bit of heaven with you where ever you go." So I took Him at His word and viewed the hospital as not just somewhere people go to get better (hopefully) but as a Holy Spirit playground. I saw opportunities all over the place to pray for others and lay hands on people in prayer. Back in July when there was the chance that we could have lost Lily, I wasn't going to let her very poor condition stop me from being hopeful for her and for others. I cheered when I saw children going home, knowing my child was going to be there for at least another 10 days. I celebrated the work I saw God doing all over that place. I celebrated when Lily broke through her poor diagnosis and began getting better again. I celebrated when her partial blockage was discovered in her stomach because at least we knew about one more missing piece to the puzzle.

There continues to be so much that we just don't know. This week, in spite of being fed into her intestines, she is still cranky and angry. It would be so easy for me to feel sorry for us and feel defeated but I am just not going to. We have come too far and God has given us too many promises in His Word to neglect even a single one, though things look quite grim today. I don't know what is wrong, I do not know how to fix it but I know that He does.

We are tired. This has been an epic-ally long battle where the fires continue to rage on. I am only one woman but fortunately, I have an entire army standing behind me, because my Father tells me so. No matter how this all shakes out, we will not be defeated, we will not have lost and I will not stop serving my God.

For now, we will hold tight to His promises because they are quite literally all that we have. We have done everything medically that there has been offered to do. Special needs parenting often translates to waiting, a lot. And so we wait. We wait for God to carry out His promises, for the things decreed over our lives to come to fruition, for the prophesies to be made manifest. We await the move of God, because nothing and no one can stop the will of God for our lives, not even the enemy of our souls. God's will is ALWAYS; wholeness, wellness and peace for our body, mind and soul. Nothing less. What I see before me is irrelevant. What God says is what is the truth. That is all I need to know. And that is where I will stay. 

Fear

      God seems to have made a habit of repeating Himself on one specific point, fear. It is said, "Do not fear," is repeated in the Bible 365 times. I Googled it, Google confirms that sentiment. There was something that God knew about fear that we don't. It's disabling. It's spirit crushing. It's ungodly. God didn't make light when He commanded us not to fear.

    "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed; for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

    God will not leave us nor forsake us in the day to day nor when we are in the midst of trials. There are times when we don't "feel" Him there. Just because you can't feel Him near, doesn't mean He isn't. It is a promise that He will never leave us. Feeling are temporary, they come and go like the wind but God is eternal. He is the same yesterday, today and forever(Hebrews 13:8).

     Fear can be debilitating and crippling. Fear can keep us locked up in our homes, fulfilling the same tasks and never experiencing anything new. Fear can keep us from living out loud and living life to the full— which is one of the things that Jesus came here to do, give us life to the full (John 10:10) Jesus didn't come here to condone our many excuses why we can't get out there and live the life He paid a mighty price for. We will one day give an account for how we spent our time here on earth and sadly, no excuse will stand.

    How do you know you're living in fear? The sneaky thing about fear is that it disguises itself as rationalization. It makes sense to you why you won't do the thing that was proposed to do but honestly, it's heavy laden with fear. It's merely an excuse.

    Here's a few examples of fear. Fear said, don't get out and socialize, no one will be able to relate to you or your life anymore— since having a special needs child. Following the birth of Cookiepants, I had a serious case of "social anxiety disorder." It was awful. I had anxiety attacks just going to the grocery store. I needed so badly to get out of the house and get a break from what was going on at home. But there was another side of me that was petrified. Scared that others would want to talk to me and what would I say? I had nothing to talk about that wasn't something related to the new life that was dropped on my lap. I didn't want others to see the exhaustion that had taken up a permanent residence on my face. I didn't want to have to explain or share. I just wanted to stay in my home where life was about as unpredictable as life gets but at least it was strangely becoming more familiar.

    Fear said: Give Cookiepants up for adoption following her birth. But love said; just love her. Adoption was never a consideration of mine but it was suggested to us as an option. I'm grateful every single day that we chose to just love her instead.

   Fear says: Don't bother looking for a new home, just stay where it's familiar. This was something my husband and I had talked about. Our family expanded by +2, so we needed a new home desperately. So we searched not in a wildly committed sort of way but looked around. We found a beautiful home and applied to get it, then left it in the hands of our loving Father. Well, Daddy wanted a bigger brighter home for us too because we packed our things and moved away from everything that was fondly familiar.

   Fear says; Get an abortion if you get pregnant before you get genetics testing done. Well, I did get pregnant before I had genetics testing done. And had I followed through with (the enemy's) fears "suggestion," I would not have the final jewel in my crown, my dear son.

    Can you imagine? What would my life look like now had I allowed fear to drive my decisions? I would be less two children, living in the same place, doing the same things and wondering why my life feels so empty. My life would be empty of all the things that give it flavor. There is no forward movement in fear. Fear keeps your feet planted right where they are as if you have roots. We can go ahead and pat ourselves on the back, commending ourselves for all the things we do that we think are sufficient but it's not enough. Yeah but I do this, this and this... Yes but what about the things of life that you let pass you by?

    What are we letting pass us by? The things of God. The things that make God smile. The risks we are willing to take for another human being. The time that we spend with others, rather than spending them alone in our own little selfish prison. God commanded us not to fear, God doesn't fear and we have the spirit of God living within us! How much more empowered can you get? Yes, the spirit of the living God resides within you if you have a relationship with His son Jesus Christ.

   "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Ephesians 5:1-2

   "The spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:15

     So you see, this fear that you have is nothing more than a tactic of the enemy and once recognized and it is already diminished. Get out there and live! Get out there and share the love of God with others. We don't get another shot at this thing called life. Its so sad when life is wasted. Don't grieve over that fact for too long, allow that to in part be your fuel to make the change not to live in fear anymore. What do you have to lose? You dignity? Your reputation? Your life savings? What, what is it? Do any of these things matter if it isn't pleasing to God? Heck no! Count it all loss unless it's been done for the Father. Nothing else is worth anything. Do everything as unto the Father.

    But what am I supposed to do, you ask? A good place to start is picking something that is good-willed and good-natured that maybe scares the crud out of you. First, affirm that you will do this thing, whatever it is as an act of obedience to the Father and that you relinquish the spirit of fear in Jesus mighty name. Be dead set on it. Do not back down and do not lose heart. God is with you.

    Maybe it's volunteering at church to greet people. Maybe it's getting back to going to church because the last church you went to put you off or upset you somehow. Try again, right? Maybe it's visiting a relative out of state that you haven't seen in ages. Whatever it is, do it with love and as an act of obedience toward God. You must first commit to doing something different, something that challenges you and maybe even scares you a bit. It's alright to do something, with hands shaking, heart pounding and knees shuddering. You still did it, you over came your fear! There are plenty of opportunities out there to drive out fear. God is constantly tossing us opportunities. Until we are even willing to get beyond our fear, we are playing catch with God in a baseball field while wearing a blindfold. Until we're willing to take the blindfold off and say yes to Him rather than fear, we'll miss the opportunities.

   Oh friends... I can't even put into words right now how good God is and how very much He loves us in this very moment. There is nothing that can separate you from His love and there is nothing you can do that will make Him love you any less. He doesn't condemn, He corrects, there is a big different between those two words. God lovingly guides and corrects us, whereas the enemy will condemn and make us feel bad. Oh if only we would just believe that He is always with us, the freedom that lies just on the other side of that door is boundless. God's mind thinks and imagines in a much greater an expansive way than our mind can. He has the entire universe within His capable hands, every resource is within His grasp, to be used for His creativity. Just trust and believe Him, you will not be disappointed. God is indeed good, all the time.

    Be blessed and bless others today dear friends, God never leaves our side. We are enabled to get out and love others the way He loves us.
   

When your heart breaks

     I used to think I was a nice person when I was younger... I was nice to the people I knew, I would give them the shirt off my back if they needed it. Paying for lunch was my pleasure. I wasn't afraid to smile at strangers. I'd watch the news and hear stories but would carry on with my life. I figured as long as it wasn't near me or wasn't anyone I knew, it was almost as though it wasn't real. It was on TV, it didn't feel real. I avoided thinking about the pain, I didn't want to. Who wants to feel pain? But the truth was, my heart was stone. Until I met Jesus my heart was made out of stone. He is the only one who can give us a new heart, one that is soft and kind. No matter how good we think we are, we have no shot at anything perceived as goodness unless Jesus is our savior. And even then, the goodness that does come from us is in fact His goodness radiating from us.

     "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

    My heart broke in an irreparable way. Sure, I don't walk around with my head hung low, sobbing every day anymore. God soothed and mended my broken heart but the crack that occurred 3 years ago is still there. It doesn't hurt the way it used to. Now, I feel, mostly love pours forth from it. It wouldn't have been possible without God, this I assure you.
   
         "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 146:3

     I absolutely counted on that scripture to become a reality in my life and eventually, after I stopped trying to force myself to live again, that scripture became a reality to me. It wasn't just some quaint fragment that someone once shared with me. It was something I read and was written on the tablet of my heart. I prayed and poured over it. I begged that it would become real to me because I didn't want to be lost in the darkness anymore. And once I began to reemerge again, I felt the Spirit tell me that the crack in my heart that I suffered would remain because that was where His light would shine through. I had two choices; be bitter or let His light shine through- through my deepest pain. Here I am. I'm not bitter. I don't "feel" broken. My heart swells with His love and my own wonderment. He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my rock and my salvation.

     I often look back across this journey with Cookiepants and dote upon the work of God in our lives. The utter lengths we've been taken to and the lessons we've learned from them and the growth that we've yielded. But none of this would have been made possible had our hearts not been stripped bare of all the "worldly overgrowth." Whether it's the correct answer or not, I've come to the determination that this was necessary. God is still sovereign. He is still on the throne. He will birth good from this, He already has.

     I look into Cookiepants' eyes and wonder what she sees? Does she see her mom? Or am I just some nice lady that kisses her and tells her she's beautiful? Does she know that I love her? Does she know she's safe here with us and that we'll care for her even unto our last breath? Will she stay here for a while longer? These are some hard questions that pass through my mind, often. I try not to ask them or even entertain them in my mind because they're far more painful than anything any parent truly wants to think about. They often cause me to cry, from deep within the crack in my heart- the one that never fully healed but yet, is mended. God is there. God is here. I've often prayed that when Cookiepants is quietly giggling to herself, the angels are telling her about her life here, in a way that she understands. I pray that they tell her how much we love her and that I feel honored to be her mom. Oh when those bright blue-green eyes look up at me, I feel nothing but love. A love like no other I've ever felt...

    So you see, the break is still there. God has filled it in and continues to, in a way only He can. I'm happy to let Him, He will do a far better job than I ever could. One last bit of encouragement—

    "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

    He will. I assure you of this one thing. Earnestly seek Him in your brokenness and He will be there.

    We live in a fallen world, where fallen things happen. But God is good, all the time. There is nothing about Him that isn't good. We often don't understand the things that happen in the world, I certainly don't. I don't love this world, I love many people who are passing through here... But there is a place where things are all made right. I yearn for it. I long for it. There is an "alarm" that often goes off within me, reminding me of how wrong the world is... I am grateful this isn't my home. But Jesus is making a place for me and for anyone else who trusts in Him. I will be elated when-
     
      "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

    One day dear friends... One day.
    Be a blessing to someone today, they need it.