I know I steal my time, writing... These 5 minutes have been stolen and I'll probably have to write this blog in bits and pieces.
I can't speak for every Indie writer but I can speak for myself.
Someday's it amazes me what I have to do or go through just to sit down in front of the computer and write. Sometime's I have a baby slung over my shoulder or on my lap while I'm editing. Someday's getting a little work done is ten times harder than it should be. At times all I can think about is writing but I just can't quite get to it. It feels like two lovers kept from each other, dying to be together again.
God be praised that my laptop hasn't actually collected dust in a while... That's a sad sight.
Why am I writing this blog today? I just want to tell you on behalf of myself and writers all over the place, Indie authors are wonderful... We're a band of fighting dreamers. Our time is had when the whole family is asleep at 3 am or in the 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there or while caring for their little ones. At least I know that's me... I don't have time carved out in the week but I do know that at some point, I'm going to steal it. I live in the land of cold left-overs and being on call 24 hours a day, I don't necessarily get breaks.
When you purchase an Indie authors work, you purchase a dream they sent out into the world to share with you. You buy their late night; their tears, exhaustion and victory. We are a victorious bunch, really... We're not waiting for the someday or the maybe tomorrow... We've realized that there may not be a someday or a tomorrow. Do it today! My subconscious calls. Do it today! I have to do it today, someday may never come...
As I've been writing this, 45 minutes have already lapsed... I was feeding my youngest a bottle while typing and eating a cold breakfast wrap. Life continues to trek on while my aspirations continue to come at me like waves of thought. I know that I write because I can't NOT write. It's a part of who I am. I know it's that way for others like me, it's like breathing.
Self published and Indie authors aren't always writing just to make a buck. I know I'm not. Sure, it comes with the territory but that's not why I write and publish. I have stories to tell and I hope you enjoy them. They're a part of me... I hope they change you or impact your life someway or another. Or that you understand the lesson in them because there's always a lesson. It's probably one that I had to learn the hard way. I write about the things I know or things that are an inch away from my own personal experiences or topics that intrigue me. If I didn't writing would be flat and boring, there would be no heart in it. As a reader myself, you can tell when the heart is out of it. I'm not the best at my craft but I'm an expert in my stories because they're my dreams spilled out onto pages.
I can't speak on behalf of the many but if you know any Indie authors share their stuff, write reviews for them. That's how we thrive. They're hard working individuals who are probably juggling multiple lives within their one life. They may be packing 36 hours worth of work into a 24 hour period. Thank you for reading this blog, it means a lot to me...
Have a blessed day!
Monday, March 28, 2016
Friday, March 18, 2016
Surrender...
It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.
Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.
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