We had no idea...

 

      I think back to 3 years ago when I was just a couple months pregnant with Lily... I try to remember the challenges I faced and my attitude and reactions to them. I try to think about what my idea of lost sleep was or what feeling "heart-broken" felt like to me then. I think about these things because I had no idea that I'd be sitting here, having experienced the things I have experienced since then.

   I try to think about the things that used to get under my skin... Uncontrollably screaming children. Grinding teeth. Vomiting. No sleep. Opposition at every corner. Constant mind numbing pain in my back.

   I think by now, you can guess where this is going. I'm there, all these things listed above happen or occur on a daily basis. If you know me, I don't seek pity. I have no interest in it, I write these blogs just to give a glance into the window known as our life. I view the aforementioned irritants as sandpaper to grind away at the things that never should have bothered me. Does that make sense? There are things we let bother us or that we judge but we don't know the back story behind those things. Maybe I made a mistake along the road and judged something or someone and that's why they're my sandpaper now. I don't know and I likely won't find out this side of heaven. All I can do is accept these things and move on.

   I am not the woman I was 3 years ago, there may be a mere scrap of her left. Though I know we have suffered some form of PTSD from all of this, I feel like we're slowly coming out of it. My plan is to emerge from all this trauma stronger than I ever was, more certain of who I am. What matters most, is who I am in Christ and boy have I ever gotten to know that version of me better than ever. Never in my life have I had to depend on God so much, someday's just to get through the day in tact.


    When we think about starting a family or expanding one, we get this cushy feeling. One of love and warmth and completion. I know I did. I still do. (no, we're not expanding the family anymore) When we embark on such a wondrous journey with our husband or wife, the mere thought of it is exciting! It's also scary because it's unknown territory, instead of 2 of us, there will be 3 or 4 or 5, etc. When we embarked on this journey, we had no idea that we would have such a high calling. A calling that only God could see us through.

    I was never much for relying on people or asking for help, I was always a "I'll do it myself" kind of gal. I think or two reasons, one- people fail you and two- pride. I've come to realize that people still fail you but I've also come to realize that there's no room for pride in my life. I don't want anything to do with it, in fact, I pray the Holy Spirt continues to convict me of any pride.

    Never in a million years did I think we'd have an unhealthy baby... Pride. There I stood, spiritually naked, pride-less. And all the things above that used to get under my skin, I was forced to replace with a feeling of love and sympathy.

   There were so many things I didn't understand about life and the people here. There are still so many more things I don't understand and will likely never come into contact with in my lifetime. What I do know is that there were things that I had never experienced or dismissed as irritating that I am now faced with everyday. My heart swells with love for those of us who are on such a complicated journey... We all are really, as no two lives look the same. We're all faced with challenges and complications. But it's all a matter of how we view them. I guess I was just extra stubborn and the only way to change me was to break me. And the only way to get me to seek God or look to Him in every aspect of my life was to bring me to my knees.

    We all bleed and breathe, we all desire love. In my early 20's I was blind to that fact. If you were lousy toward me, expect a double dose back! Now... I believe it's a waste of time and I'd rather just pray for them. For most of us, there are defining moments in life when that light bulb lights up above our heads. There will always be nay-sayers, don't let them stop you if you know it's right. We need to keep pressing on, moving forward, in the right direction. Our attitude defines who we really are! I know my attitude needed some fine tuning, though for now I'm still tired and my body is hurting I certainly feel like I have a greater purpose to my life. I was broken so that God's light can shine through me better. It was painful being stripped spiritually naked but I'm grateful it happened.

    Keep pressing on friends, let your hearts be filled with love for those around you even if they don't treat you well. Pray for them instead. We've all walked a path none of us knows anything about, love on them rather than judge. I share this because I know at points and places in my life, I made these mistakes. Being broken isn't ugly, it's beautiful- God's light can shine through...

   

Just passing through...

     I keep seeing this meme going around- "not my circus, not my monkeys." I didn't really think it was all that funny but rather a reminder about my place here on this planet.

    "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: 'a servant is not greater than his master,' if they persecuted me, they will persecute you also." John 15:18-20

      I wanna pick this apart a little bit, really zoom in there if we can. "If the world hates you," let's start there... Why do they hate you? Are you a jerk or do they hate you because 'you take this Jesus thing too seriously?' Do you not share in all the world views? Do you follow along with Jesus when others think you've completely lost your mind?

    If you're a jerk, knock it off! Life is too short to project your misery onto everyone else. And whether you believe it or not, you'll have to take account for everything you've done. We all will. I know I don't want to stand at the judgement seat of God and have to give account for a bunch of miserable things with no other excuse than my own sad attempt at excusing myself. No excuse holds water as far as God is concerned. But there is one way to get pardoned, Jesus.

    So, you take the "Jesus thing" seriously... Fantastic! Jesus is far more real than your hand in front of you.

   It is an immediate response to retaliate when someone makes an offense against you, right? It crosses our minds even if we don't follow through. Jesus says forgive 70 times 7, essentially He says, keep forgiving and don't keep track.

    "As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world."
If you ever feel unspecial or unimportant, you're not. You were chosen, you are dearly loved by the God of the universe. He tells you in the Bible countless times! If you don't believe me, have a look for yourself. He also tells us not to worry about our lives here. I know that sounds hard to do because we do get a bit attached to things and people here but there is something far better than here. It is with Him in heaven. And He can tell you not to worry because He is assured of this place and you can be assured if only you trust and believe.

     "A servant is not greater than his master, if they persecuted me they will persecute you also."
I'd have to say this one is pretty obvious, we're not exempt just as Jesus was not exempt. The Pharisees and other religious leaders of that time were always seeking to kill Him. Jesus was always ducking out of crowds and seeking refuge in quiet far off places any chance He could get. He was in trouble. He was an outlaw for the right reasons.

   Are you an outlaw for the right reasons? Are you sought for advice and help? Is your insight requested?
   
       It's quite alright to stick out in a crowd, Jesus certainly did. It's alright to be an outcast, Jesus was. If you take up your cross daily and follow the Lord and you're met with ridicule by those who are of this world, you're in good company. The Bible tells us in Matthew 7:13-14, "Enter through the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate ans narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few will find it."

    "Few will find it," -Wow, few... You are one of few. Checking google today, there are 7.4 billion people in the world right now. So of those 7.4 billion, few will find the narrow path that leads to life, eternal life, that is. I want to be one of the few. I will follow Jesus even while everyone around me doesn't understand or laughs at me. I will follow Him, He's more real than this temporal place that I live in. He's more real that my "real life problems," He's also bigger than my "real life problems." My problems and troubles pale in comparison to the glory that is coming! Oh what a fine day it will be.

    I had it on my heart to share this message today, someone needed it, including me. It's a message I continually need to be reminded of myself, the world, the life, all seems to huge and so real sometimes. When really, we're only passing through. We've all got a set time here. We've all got a set list of goals to accomplish and lessons to teach others. One day it all will make sense, we're assured of this.