Sometimes silence is birthed through discontentment. Shutting things down because what you see around you isn't what you want to carry with you. If you're not careful, it becomes like a shadow or a carefully placed residue on you.
Have you ever had that happen? Spent time with someone who was in a horrid mood and when you departed from their presence, you felt amiss— to say the least? I don't want that in my life right now and I certainly don't need it either. I'm on a mission. And this mission will not be hindered or stopped.
I've been taking an extended break, for the most part from social media. I'm still on Instagram and Pinterest because those places aren't overcome with disparity and wickedness. The fun has, in my eyes, for the most part been removed from other social media outlets. I'm not sad about my recent removal, It's been quite enlightening. I knew God was going to have a plan for this period of time and He most certainly has been faithful— as expected.
Everyday is nothing short of miraculous, if you're looking for it. We woke up again today. We have another chance. Isn't that enough?
I think of the movie Gladiator, where Maximus slays in the coliseum and yells to the crowd, "Are you not entertained?" Because they weren't. They were borderline bored. That's us, as a people. What entertains us? We seek to be entertained at every moment of the day. This mentality, has been a part of my mission, the un-doing of being a typical American and stepping into my rightful lineage of mighty woman of God. I feel it necessary to mention here that the only reason why it is my rightful lineage is because Jesus Christ died for me and became my Savior. He took the punishment for my sins and misgivings. And in turn, I'm set on yielding myself to His working within me. I will not stop. I will not be distracted by the things of the world because boy, they are dead set on keeping me from running this race!
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24
When God points out your next move, run! Run like you've never ran before. Don't stop for anything. Don't turn your face to the right or to the left, just keep on running. When you're on a mission, don't stop. The enemy will try and distract you if he hasn't already succeeded at stopping you. He's a savage, he doesn't care one bit about us. He has all the allure of a dead and rotting corpse. But don't cash in for his plan, which may sound nice or sounds like it will be a short cut to where you need to go. But you will not have completed your mission as God had originally set you forth to do.
This world has a plethora of distractions. They come in the form of games; TV shows, apps, perceived needs, goals set forth by worldly wisdom. But what are we really achieving to unless it is for the furtherance of the Kingdom? Whatever we do that isn't in line with God's will for our lives will be cast into the fire. (Matt 7:19, Matt 3:10, John 15:6)
So, what is it that I'm supposed to be doing with my time then? I'm coming to find it's a lot less complicated than I thought... This has been an interesting journey I've been on and it seems as though it's just beginning, really.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27
"Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give." Matthew 10:8
This is what normal should look like. This is what it is supposed to look like. This is what I strive to attain. This was the great commission, it was meant for you and I too. We may not have been standing there that day hearing it but it's just as valid today as it was then. Because: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8
Nothing has changed, only our perception. If we regard the Bible as truth then this is our life. This is what we strive toward. This is God's will, bringing the Kingdom to earth— "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10
Because that's what Jesus did while He was here. If you're a Christian- a follower of Christ then this is what you do.
Now that I've discovered that this really is supposed to be my reality too, I won't stop until it is. I don't stand condemned, nor should you. I feel a fire rising up within me to seek God more than ever and grow closer in communion and in friendship with Him than ever. He knows I'm a stubborn woman and He also knows He can use that to His glory and I am more than happy to lend myself to Him. I am more than happy to live for Him. Because He has made eternity possible for me. He has blessed me beyond measure. He has loved me more in one moment than anyone can manage in a lifetime. He is my heavenly Father.
I hope this has encouraged you today. It has encouraged me in my seeking and my perceived silence in the virtual world of the internet. But I have been far from silent, I've been pressing in and asking questions that only my Father has answers to.
My request today; let us stop wasting time screwing around with time wasters and momentary distractions and start doing things that move the heart of the Father. Let us live from a Kingdom minded standpoint. Let us love the way He loves and do as He does. Jesus did what He saw the Father doing and this too, was our directive because we follow after Him.
Be blessed today friends, bless others.
Showing posts with label surrender.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surrender.. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
When life causes you to ask: WTF?
I'm sure you've been there, maybe not a WTF moment but something like it. I know I've had a few of those moments this week... We're in a new home, getting adjusted to our new environment. We're not necessarily a new schedule, although Cookiepants decided it was time to get up and yell about life at 5 am. But there are moments where you think to yourself What the heck?
I'll begin by saying, I don't understand it either but I know that One that knows everything and somehow, that makes those moments at least a little easier. It's been a long week, a very long week and I'd like nothing more than to sleep for the next week straight. Here I am, it's only Tuesday morning. My weeks don't look like most other people's weeks, weekends don't exist for me. One week literally runs right into the next seamlessly.
Last week, all week long, I packed up our house. Friday we moved and I've been unpacking and organizing ever since. The house looks pretty good if I might say so myself, it's been worth all the hard work. Although, my husband has played the largest role in making things happen as concerns the heavy lifting.
I've prayed for sleep, good quality sleep--- just a little, maybe to make up for the lack in sleep I've had for the last 3 years. Last night it was one thing after another, sleep slowly slipping through my fingertips. It's pretty common around here, the lack of sleep. With Cookiepants, you never know when you're going to be woken up and it likely won't be in a pleasant way. This morning was no different.
When Cookiepants broke her leg, that was a WTF moment. After she had surgery and has continued to get acid reflux and frequently chokes, those are still WTF moments. We work as hard as we can to keep her happy; fed, comfortable and that her needs are beyond met. Still, there is a great amount of discontentment. When we got the news after Cookiepants was born that there was something wrong- there wasn't anything that I/we did wrong to cause this. It's infinitely frustrating when you do everything you're supposed to do and it still doesn't work out right or turn out the way it should have. What are we supposed to do?
I've seen this meme going around; "When something goes wrong in life, just yell, PLOT TWIST! and move on."
It's not quite that easy but I think that's the right idea... We can't sit here and think about what we're missing out on or what we gave up or the struggle ahead because if we do, we'll stay in a mindset of lack. We must do away with the negative thinking, immediately.
If I sat here and thought about the reality of the "fate" laid upon me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning, much less, function. Oh yeah, it's that heavy. So, I don't think about it and I give it to God. Today is the day the Lord has made and today is my only focus. I can't focus on anything else. There is nothing but today... So when you have those WTF moments- the big ones, stay present. Fight to stay present because you can't fast forward beyond this moment right now. Stay in the moment that caused you to be so bewildered. Take it in and give it over to God. That's all we can do. We must stay flexible in this life, if we're unable to, we'll never find peace or happiness.
Our enemy loves to attack us when we're already down or tired or feeling weak. It's his specialty. It's funny, I was going to touch on this subject right here, I took a minute sized break to get my daughter breakfast off the stove... A whole series of events unfolded. As I mentioned earlier, I'm severely under-slept- bring on the attacks, right? I put her oatmeal in the fridge to cool it down faster, I bumped it on something when i went to take it out, it slipped from my hands and fell on the floor shattering. Then the bottom shelf in the fridge fell out, Cookiepant's milk fell out and cracked open, leaking all over the floor too! Wow! In just a moment. I didn't get mad. I made a joke about how we talked about getting a new dish set anyhow. That was a WTF moment- really... Like seriously, in a split second, all that happened. I just have to laugh. What else am I supposed to do?
But for the bigger moments, give it over to God. Those things that hit us sideways, that take the breath right out of our lungs... Give it to God. You can't control it anyway. It's funny how everyday we fool ourselves into believing that if we do all the right things in all the right ways that everything will turn out right. It just isn't so. This is earth, not heaven. Only in heaven will everything be made right, not here on earth. That's why we yearn for it so deeply, we all know some where deep within us that things just aren't right here. Cancer. Sick babies. Starving people. Crime. Abused animals. Whatever it is that disturbs you, you know it isn't right; it isn't just, it isn't okay... We're in enemy territory, where anything unjust is capable of happening no matter what we do.
Give it to God and move forward. You'll be a different person, hopefully a better person, not a bitter one. God helps you to not become bitter. Jesus will strengthen you through the days as you work through your struggle. I can personally attest to that. And God is sovereign.
I hope this helps, in those moments and others. I know we're all going through some sort of a struggle, my struggle doesn't look the same as yours and vice versa. Life is tough but it doesn't have to be as tough as we make it up in our mind. We dwell and beat ourselves up. It's time to just let it go, feel the feelings, yell if you must but let God take it. He's in control anyhow.
I pray your day is blessed.
I'll begin by saying, I don't understand it either but I know that One that knows everything and somehow, that makes those moments at least a little easier. It's been a long week, a very long week and I'd like nothing more than to sleep for the next week straight. Here I am, it's only Tuesday morning. My weeks don't look like most other people's weeks, weekends don't exist for me. One week literally runs right into the next seamlessly.
Last week, all week long, I packed up our house. Friday we moved and I've been unpacking and organizing ever since. The house looks pretty good if I might say so myself, it's been worth all the hard work. Although, my husband has played the largest role in making things happen as concerns the heavy lifting.
I've prayed for sleep, good quality sleep--- just a little, maybe to make up for the lack in sleep I've had for the last 3 years. Last night it was one thing after another, sleep slowly slipping through my fingertips. It's pretty common around here, the lack of sleep. With Cookiepants, you never know when you're going to be woken up and it likely won't be in a pleasant way. This morning was no different.
When Cookiepants broke her leg, that was a WTF moment. After she had surgery and has continued to get acid reflux and frequently chokes, those are still WTF moments. We work as hard as we can to keep her happy; fed, comfortable and that her needs are beyond met. Still, there is a great amount of discontentment. When we got the news after Cookiepants was born that there was something wrong- there wasn't anything that I/we did wrong to cause this. It's infinitely frustrating when you do everything you're supposed to do and it still doesn't work out right or turn out the way it should have. What are we supposed to do?
I've seen this meme going around; "When something goes wrong in life, just yell, PLOT TWIST! and move on."
It's not quite that easy but I think that's the right idea... We can't sit here and think about what we're missing out on or what we gave up or the struggle ahead because if we do, we'll stay in a mindset of lack. We must do away with the negative thinking, immediately.
If I sat here and thought about the reality of the "fate" laid upon me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning, much less, function. Oh yeah, it's that heavy. So, I don't think about it and I give it to God. Today is the day the Lord has made and today is my only focus. I can't focus on anything else. There is nothing but today... So when you have those WTF moments- the big ones, stay present. Fight to stay present because you can't fast forward beyond this moment right now. Stay in the moment that caused you to be so bewildered. Take it in and give it over to God. That's all we can do. We must stay flexible in this life, if we're unable to, we'll never find peace or happiness.
Our enemy loves to attack us when we're already down or tired or feeling weak. It's his specialty. It's funny, I was going to touch on this subject right here, I took a minute sized break to get my daughter breakfast off the stove... A whole series of events unfolded. As I mentioned earlier, I'm severely under-slept- bring on the attacks, right? I put her oatmeal in the fridge to cool it down faster, I bumped it on something when i went to take it out, it slipped from my hands and fell on the floor shattering. Then the bottom shelf in the fridge fell out, Cookiepant's milk fell out and cracked open, leaking all over the floor too! Wow! In just a moment. I didn't get mad. I made a joke about how we talked about getting a new dish set anyhow. That was a WTF moment- really... Like seriously, in a split second, all that happened. I just have to laugh. What else am I supposed to do?
But for the bigger moments, give it over to God. Those things that hit us sideways, that take the breath right out of our lungs... Give it to God. You can't control it anyway. It's funny how everyday we fool ourselves into believing that if we do all the right things in all the right ways that everything will turn out right. It just isn't so. This is earth, not heaven. Only in heaven will everything be made right, not here on earth. That's why we yearn for it so deeply, we all know some where deep within us that things just aren't right here. Cancer. Sick babies. Starving people. Crime. Abused animals. Whatever it is that disturbs you, you know it isn't right; it isn't just, it isn't okay... We're in enemy territory, where anything unjust is capable of happening no matter what we do.
Give it to God and move forward. You'll be a different person, hopefully a better person, not a bitter one. God helps you to not become bitter. Jesus will strengthen you through the days as you work through your struggle. I can personally attest to that. And God is sovereign.
I hope this helps, in those moments and others. I know we're all going through some sort of a struggle, my struggle doesn't look the same as yours and vice versa. Life is tough but it doesn't have to be as tough as we make it up in our mind. We dwell and beat ourselves up. It's time to just let it go, feel the feelings, yell if you must but let God take it. He's in control anyhow.
I pray your day is blessed.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Reflections
I remember my 20's... They weren't that long ago, really. But I often wonder where they went and what the hell happened?
I remember the days of not having an agenda; sleeping until I just woke up, working so I had enough money for the essentials and a whole lot of fun...
What makes my 20's even stranger is how at times, I feel like I'm a 15 year old trapped in a 30 somethings body. I look at my three kids someday's and think to myself, I'm somebody's mother? It's not that I never thought I'd have kids, I knew I always wanted to, it just seems like sometimes it snuck up so fast on me. As if it were an over night thing, like BAM here you go- 3 kids...
What on earth happened? When did life get so serious? Or at least it sure feels that way. Life the last several years has felt like a list of don't do's. I miss trying new things and going new places... I miss having fun.
I know of a real turning point for me and not for the better either... When Cookie was born. You know that moment right before something really bad is about to happen? You're frozen in place, watching, waiting for the impact? If you've ever been in a car accident that you saw coming, you know what I'm talking about then. I've been living there, someday's. I'm holding my breath, I'm braced for impact, my eyes widened... I've been there for over two years.
The strange thing is, we've had some really good days lately. The weather has been warm and the sun has been shining bright. It's the perfect combination for Cookie to have a good day and she's been having a lot more of them lately. I've even been laughing a bit more, smiling and doting upon how "good" things have been but somewhere in me, I'm still posed for disaster.
Jesus said He came to give us life to the full. That scripture often cycles through my mind. I'm not living. Not even close. Someday's I come to the conclusion that I left my heart bleeding on the floor of that hospital where one of our worst nightmares came true. At least we thought it was a nightmare...
In the midst of this great trial, we've discovered what a blessing all of this is. Now, I've never been the greatest at coping with the hard stuff, I've been accustomed to just shutting down. It's always been easier to deal with the pain that way. Due to the nature of this life lesson, being that it isn't temporary or so it seems, it's going to last a while... I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to learn how to live like this... Really live, not just get by. Though I've been walking it out for over two years now, it's time to pull the veil down and feel everything again, even if it hurts.
I don't think anyone likes pain... I've endured three labor's; an unhealthy helping of dental pain, heartache, broken bones, wounds etc. But I don't know many that would willingly walk into it, yelling; "hit me again."
We're all here, walking through fire just to get to the other side. Everyone's blaze looks different from the next guy or gal's. We've all come from different places, gone through different things and were affected by those things respective to who we are. It's shaped us.
I've thought a lot about how I want this to shape me... It's already begun but I just need to let go and let the Lord go to work on me. I don't know most days what it is that I'm holding onto? Am I afraid that I'll lose myself? The person I once knew myself to be? I know I'm not her anymore. If there is anything that I do know, it's that after everything we've been through the last couple of years, we could never be those people again. We've been forever changed. I take heart in knowing that I'm closer to being like Jesus than I ever was. I feel it in my heart. That is the ultimate goal while I'm here, after all. "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35
We didn't think this was what we signed up for but it was, walking with the Lord. It was bigger than my "down for whatever" mentality that I had when I was in my 20's. In my 20's I was reckless and didn't really care about anything or anyone but myself. When I came to Jesus, I did sign up for "down for whatever." I am to "take up my cross daily." I still have a long way to go, being more like Jesus. I'm a work in progress. I'd rather be plodding forward than just sitting and sulking over what I thought could have been.
I know that was a hang up of mine, the picture I had in my head. It looks nothing like what I see. It wasn't a part of the plan. But how often for life look like the picture in your head? We often think we know whats best for us. The easier way through life. The un-messy life. You know what, I'd get bored. I do that... I get bored pretty easily, I really do.
I've been challenged to live a life without boredom. Sure, I have days that I get bored, plenty of them. But they're messy days. They're unpredictable days. In my 20's, everything was pretty predictable. It was perfect for who I was then but not for who I am now. Fortunately, I've evolved beyond that woman. I care a lot more. I love a lot harder, I finally know what love really is. It's taken me all of this to learn what love is. I know that the whole point of being here is love... The world is missing the point or hatred is masked as love. Think about that one and what you see all around you now. That's another story for another day.
Another scripture that has been coming to mind lately has been: "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39
I think about it often, handing over the vision I had in my head in exchange for what the Lord has in store for me. I surrender! Again, I surrender... I can't keep fighting what is for what I thought I wanted. Okay Lord, give me your vision. Show me what you want, I want to love like you do. And help me to choose peace about it rather than feeling defeated.
When I feel like I just can't do it anymore, that still small voice reminds me I'm not alone. Keep going! C'mon, this way love, you've got it. Don't give up now...
I know that I won't have it my way, it's getting my mind to agree with what my heart already knows.
My 20's are gone, along with a wayward life. I have more purpose now than I ever did before and I'm working on embracing His vision. Here we go...
Friday, March 18, 2016
Surrender...
It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.
Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.
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