If these walls could talk!

    I thought for sure this post was going to happen yesterday but yesterday had other plans. I woke up thinking about what to write about but nothing stood out at me. The days where I wake up with something on my mind and on my heart to write about tend to be the most successful.

    First of all, I just want to thank my faithful readers, it appears that my readership has grown here on this blog. So, I'm excited and grateful for that! So thank you dear reader friends, sign up for email alerts every time I post on here. I try my best not to disappoint and to just keep it real here. I figure so much of the world is a mirage, I feel compelled to speak truth and life. With that being said... Onto today's post.

    Here it is, the day is here— moving day! Am I scared? No. Nervous? A little... I just want everything to go quickly and smoothly. My husband is in charge of orchestrating the moving portion of it, so I have full confidence in him! Originally they forecast rain for today but they've changed it several times. I think they've decided it will rain but not until later today. *sigh* This is Wisconsin after all folks and the weather is never predictable.

   I've been feeling a bit emotional the last few days as I gaze around each room, now packed (as neatly as possible) in boxes. What a wild and crazy almost 5 years here. So much life was lived here- in a relatively short time. There were so many life lessons I learned while living here, mostly hard ones or ones that came at a great cost. There were so many tears here, there was a lot of praying done here, a lot of crying out. But there was also a lot of planning and praising and laughter. There is no real way to condense everything I learned down into one blog post, it would probably be a short novel filled with bullet points. So, I will do my best to pass along the big ones, the real head scratchers.

    Life isn't about stuff or what you accomplish, it's more about who is in your life and how you treat them. This was a difficult and frustrating lesson in some ways. There is nothing like tragedy to separate the real deal from the fakes. The people who are in remain while the "only when the sun is shining" type of people disappear. Wow! This was a real eye opener. This was a hard lesson. But you take a deep breath in, remind yourself that God is sovereign- which means He's sovereign in your relationships too.

     Life isn't about you, it's more about them. Whoever them is, whether it's your spouse, your children or anyone else God has put in your care. It's about them, not you. Sure, take care of yourself too but you're not number one.

   Stop trying to control everything it is a fruitless endeavor. Really, it is. You will be frustrated and far more exhausted that you would be if you just handed it over to God! Just surrender. It will be the wisest decision you've ever made. But what if things don't turn out the way I wanted them to? Or what if it's not what I want. What if I'm not happy? -------Do you hear all the I's in there? Oh yeah, it's not about ME. Forget the "I" and let go and let God! Your life is not your own anymore and God has a plan for your life, find out how you can follow it. Relinquish control, there is freedom to be found there.

    Worrying is stupid. No, really it is. It's so pointless. Do you have any idea how many nights I've been kept awake most of the night with worry? Maybe you've suffered the same self inflicted torture. It was dumb wasn't it? Did it turn out to be the disaster you were picturing in your head? Probably not. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's so stupid. Just stop. Once again, let it go. God is already ahead of you anyway. Let Him handle it.

   Sanctification isn't church attendance. If you go to church and help at the local food shelter and donate to this or that charity- don't be counting yourself as the biggest saint there ever was. And certainly don't be looking at others who don't do those things as sinners. God looks at the heart of a person. We can't go ahead and get caught up in a whole mess of "works" of the flesh and think, I got to church or help this or that person, I'm good... No, we must examine ourselves— daily! Examine ourselves daily before God. Father, please reveal to me anything within me that displeases you or isn't of you. It's a hearty prayer but a good one.

    Life is less about doing and more about being. Oh boy this one really spun my head around once I really sunk my teeth into it and got it. It's life's finest art, it truly is. I will preface this short blurb by saying I wrote an entire book on this subject matter because this has been, for me, the most freeing experience I have ever crossed paths with. The book is called "Human, Being." It has been changing the lives of the people who have been reading it and I feel so honored God set me on the path to such a touching and meaningful writing project. Please check it out, I'll leave the web address at the end of this blog. Okay, being. Yes, just being. Not doing- everything- all the time. That's what we as humans have been conditioned to do, is do everything. We twist; contort, control, bend until we break— literally. Stop! Stop the madness, stop trying to do everything all at once! Slow down. Enjoy life. Take it all in. This is the finest experience of life, just being. Being who God created us to be! Oh this one is so good, so freeing, so life giving.

    Throw away the picture you have in your head because it will become your enemy. That picture you have in your head of how things should be will mock you and cause you more grief than you could ever connect the dots enough to understand. I'm not calling you stupid, what I'm saying is that the small picture we have for our lives has much deeper roots than we realize and the ripple effect is far more reaching than we could ever imagine! I have no idea how many lives I reach and touch through my writing. I don't know until a reader reaches out to me and tells me and even then I still don't know about the many others. The picture you've set in your mind of what life should look like will be your downfall. First of all, God has a grand plan for all of our lives and it's far bigger and more extravagant than we can envision. Secondly, by setting a picture in our minds of precise specifications you are setting limits for yourself when we worship a limitless God. God isn't a genie so I don't think it would be wise to treat Him as such but He is limitless. He hears your prayers dear friend, ask. And my third point here is; by setting preconceived pictures in our mind, when things fall desperately short of those pictures we are infinitely disappointed. Now, if you're willing to go along with God's plan- which you cannot see, you have no expectation other than the fact that God will lead you.

    Different isn't bad. Different is just different. When Cookiepants was born she wasn't what we expected, she came out needing all types of help, serious medical help. She was born different than us. This was difficult to accept, we had no indication while I was pregnant that anything was wrong with her. It didn't matter to us that she wasn't what we expected, we loved her no less and actually, have come to love and cherish her even more than we ever could have imagined. I lead a different kind of life, ranging from my life as a wife and mother and even down to my diet. I handle things differently than most people do. When some panic and worry, I'll pray. When out to eat for a nice meal, some order steak- I'll order just vegetables. I'm quite firm in what I believe, it's taken me my entire life to come to these conclusions and decisions and I've felt as though I've been lead here by the Holy Spirit. It's where I am, this is my life. I've learned not to judge others just because they're different, it's a constant and conscious practice. Every time I encounter someone new or someone I know, conversations are exchanged, opinions are exchanged- there is no room for judgement. From me or from them. It's not my place to judge and their life isn't mine, we haven't walked the same path or come to the same conclusions. One of the greatest mistakes you can make is assume you're being judged by someone with firm beliefs. Just because they believe something in an unshakeable way doesn't mean that they're looking at you, believing you're wrong because you're not living the way they are. Make sense? I'm vegan. When I walk into a restaurant and see meat on everyone's plate I don't think to myself- "look at all these meat eaters, what a bunch of disgusting low life jerks, eating their meat happily." (Really, I don't) What I think about is how I used to eat meat and what it was that I was brought to in my life to make the decision to go vegan. I will never win over a person in the case of veganism by telling them how "wrong" they are and shoving my beliefs and facts down their throat. How many souls have been won over in the case of Christianity like that? By living in this way you're playing the role of judge. So both parties are guilty of passing judgement. Let others live their lives and be different and love them. Sure, share truth with them, whether it's health related, the Gospel or whatever it is, share truth but don't judge and don't try and force your hand. We're called to plant seeds in the lives of others, God takes care of growing those seeds.

    Oh I knew I was going to run into this, it's too hard to pick just a few things to talk about here. If these walls could talk I would need to learn how to type faster so I could take better notes. It really has been a wild and crazy last several years, I can't believe the people who are walking out of this place. Who we've become and the people God is shaping us into being. I am so blessed and feel so honored.

   Just a couple last minute things because it's nearing the hour of commotion... If you feel as though you can't go any further be prepared to go just a little bit further. That's where growth happens and that's where the fruit is. And the things you think that you can't accomplish are the very things you should fight hard to accomplish through prayer and just doing it. Those will be crowning accomplishments! Those will be a part of your testimony of your life. Those will likely be points scored for the Kingdom.

   Well, I think that's it for now. It's bittersweet closing up a last blog post in this home. So much was learned and accomplished here. I hope this has helped at least one person. Keep going, life is turbulent at times and at others times we're on the highest mountain peaks! Hang on, cling to Jesus. He really does know what He's doing and He never does leave. I can say that with certainty. We've endured enough to know He has never left our side and we know He is already awaiting us in our new home. It's so exciting, this new chapter we're embarking on. I have no idea what lay ahead but I know the One who does.

   Much love dear friend, I hope you have an especially blessed day!

Trust

    It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday... This happens often. It's been a whirlwind few months, this happens often too.
 
      Our trust isn't in ourselves alone because it's fallible. Our strength isn't in ourselves alone because our strength runs out. We don't rely on our own wit or wisdom because we can't see what will happen even 5 minutes from now. I do know Who has an endless supply of strength; wisdom and who is faithful. God!

     God brings us through with each step, His Son never leaves our side. He is the steady hand on my shoulder as I work quickly to bring a fever down. He is the quiet voice amidst the crying, He is the calm in the middle of the storm. He is, I am.

    We've seen Him present in everything over the course of the last several months. From the femur fracture with Cookiepants, to the surgery and it's timing and now this monster cold that has over taken her. We trust in His loving care to cause her to thirst again. We trust in the fellow believers praying on her behalf, that those prayers are affecting her recovery in a positive way. We trust in His leading, knowing what to do with her and when.

    To the world and the worldly mind it sounds like utter madness but it makes perfect sense to us. There is this path we have been traveling along for a few years now that has brought us to this point. To a point of utter reliance and being present. We are here, being who God created us to be, doing or not doing the things He has ordained or asked us to refrain from. That is all. Worry doesn't cloud our thinking nearly as much as it used to. Worry doesn't add to a circumstance, it only takes away your presence of mind. Trying to do everything and all at once- no longer necessary. It never was necessary, we just hadn't understood that yet.

   Though our problems aren't solved and our circumstances haven't changed much- though they've improved slowly, I still have peace today. We don't know what the day will hold, as it is unpredictable every day. There is no general thrumb to pick up on and ride the wave through the day. Floating through the day would take away from the intricate details, the little ones that are the reminders that God is still here and His hands are all over everything. I want to see that, I don't want to bury myself in mock busyness just to take my attention away from my current reality. I don't want to displace the pain because I know it would inevitably revisit me and show up somewhere else. Pain has a way of doing that. So don't avoid it, stare it in the face. Be bold. Be brave because God is right there with you.

    "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do no be afraid." John 14:27

     This is why I trust Him, if He said it, it will be so. Or the peace that surpasses all understanding. He said it, it will be so. I know that I can trust Jesus, trusting Him doesn't make things easier but I know His promises are true. Much of the things that happen, I don't understand but He does. And I trust Him.

    We're still here being who God created us to be, exactly where we are supposed to be. Brighter things are on the horizon, we know this but for now, we trust in His timing and trust His direction.
We used to live within the most common option, which was to trust in ourselves for everything. It didn't work out well and we were exhausted. Trusting in God has alleviated much of the stress and mental and emotional exhaustion. This is where I would rather be, this is where I would rather live my life- over here with God.

     With trust, comes peace. Reach out to the only one that knows, He will never leave you nor forsake you.

For more insight on this subject matter pick up a copy of: Human, being. Now available online.
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     God bless.

We're still here!

    2016 gave us white knuckles at times, barely holding onto much of anything and certainly not ourselves. Once again it was another year of learning; trial/error, crashing and burning too. It was a year of sitting and watching as those around us were living their lives while it felt like we were living someone else's.

    We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.

    If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.

   He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.

     I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.

     One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?

     I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.

    The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.

    There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.

    So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.

   Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.

     2017, here we come!
     God bless.

Surrender...

        It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
       Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
      It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
     My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
     I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
     My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
    They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
    So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
    I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
     We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
     Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
     I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
     It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
     The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
      As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
     I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
    I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.