We're still here!

    2016 gave us white knuckles at times, barely holding onto much of anything and certainly not ourselves. Once again it was another year of learning; trial/error, crashing and burning too. It was a year of sitting and watching as those around us were living their lives while it felt like we were living someone else's.

    We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.

    If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.

   He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.

     I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.

     One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?

     I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.

    The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.

    There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.

    So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.

   Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.

     2017, here we come!
     God bless.

Adulting doesn't have to suck.

       Psssssssst..... come'ere, I wanna tell you a secret... Come a little closer- there, that's perfect. You ready?
      -Just because we're adults, our life doesn't have to suck... No really, It doesn't. -Yes, of course I'm serious, you don't have to look so bewildered.

       I've recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be all work and no play or laughter or planning everything to the nth degree. I've seen a meme going around the internet that the Bible says: "Fear not" like 365 times but I think it may actually be more. I haven't counted, that would take a lot of time. Okay, cross check, Google says it is indeed 365 times. So guess what, that's no coincidence and there is in fact one "fear not" for each day of the year!

      Think about that for a minute, what is the root of all your adulting anxiety? I know what mine is, FEAR! I had one smart college professor that professed that fear was- False Evidence Appearing Real. That really stuck with me!

     I still have days where my mind starts spinning out of control with all the what if's and believe me, there are a lot of them. But honestly, as of late, I really just don't care. They're not my problem. Jesus told me to come to Him and He would give me rest and give me His yoke which is much easier than mine. So guess what, daily (dismissing fear) I turn over my burdens to Him. He's got it. Yes, He's strong enough. Who else could have managed to die on the cross for all the sins of the world? God in the flesh, that's who.

      With my new "fear not" banner waving proudly in the air (courtesy of Jesus, of course) I've had the distinct pleasure of feeling alive again. Yes, alive. No, I wasn't dead before but I surely wasn't living... I was getting by each day, head hitting the pillow exhausted. Oh I'm still tired some days, I'm human but my heart isn't so heavily weighed down with all the burdens of life.

      We of course have a unique circumstance in our house, our daughter... Whose fate we can't be certain, we don't know any of our fates but there is one things we do know about our fate- where we're going. That is one thing that helps me sleep at night, should anything happen to any one of us, we will one day be together again. Thank you Lord Jesus!!! I can't thank Him enough and I can't manage to live my life enough for Him either! It's a debt I simply pay nor did He expect me to. He just wants me to trust Him. So, everyday I wake up there is an exchange that takes place. I hand over my stuff and He gives me His peace. Yes, It's that easy... There are times throughout the day where the enemy tries to steal it but it's as simple as readjusting my vision back to Him.

      It has absolutely broken me how little I've been "living" rather than just getting by and surviving the day. Yes, broken. It's been like a thick cloud of oppression. It was dark and thick and miserable in there. I wasn't alone in there, maybe it was something I needed to go though to get to where I am now and have some staying power here. I never knew a sadness like I became acquainted with other the last two years, it was debilitating. There are still days where I feel emotional but I've learned that I need to experience them rather than suppress them.

      On the difficult days I know I can kneel at the foot of the cross and surrender everything over to Jesus once more. There isn't a limit. There is no end to His love and understanding. He will never tell me to go away. And He will never leave my side.

     I'm re-learning how to be an adult, the most responsible way I know how. It's been a matter of erasing everything I thought that I knew and replacing it with His truths. I'm letting go of the wheel and giving it over to Him, Jesus will do a much better job of avoiding the pot holes and pit falls of life than I will. I can have a bit more fun too because I'm not shouldering all that unnecessary responsibility that just isn't mine. It's not mine, say it with me. IT'S NOT MINE! Now give up. Really, it's safe, give up. Give it over to Jesus and start to live for Him rather than for whatever the world is telling you to live for. If you're living for Him, you're loving people in all the right ways. You're doing your part in the world but the stress is gone. Poof! Gone.

      The heck with stress and anxiety and all those other awful things were plagued with. Screw them all! We don't need them, do we? Life is so hard that we don't even get out of here alive... Haha... sorry, a little humor there. But we can have eternal life and that friends, that is a beautiful thing!

      Hey, don't let adulting get you down. Talk to Jesus, He'd love to hear from you and He'd love to share in your burdens with you and your triumphs. He's an amazing man.

    I'm off to go color in my blanket fort, have a stellar day friends!