I needed a place to go today, not a place to air all my grievances but a place where I could just feel safe to share what is on my heart and on my mind today. Somewhere, someone would understand... So, naturally I turn to the Holy Spirit, who can decipher even my deep signs and groans.
I know I have not written here in a very long time but it has actually been a really difficult year, plagued with many lengthy hospital visits for Cookiepants. She is home, we got home again this past Saturday. We had such high hopes for this last visit, a surgery that in theory would have alleviatedI some of her digestive discomfort. But here we are staring into the face of the same beast that has troubled her since birth, manifesting itself as uncontrollable screaming and punching and being generally inconsolable.
I cry out to the Holy Spirit for His help and His guidance every single day. Whom else should I cry out to but my Father? He is filled with all knowledge and wisdom and is the only one who has what I need. Whether it be comfort or wisdom, He has it. And honestly, I just like spending time with Him. He gets me.
Being a special needs parent has not gotten easier. You just get to a place where you are pushed beyond your, "never will I ever's" and you fix your messy bun, refill your tea mug with the strongest tea you can import and you deal. You stare into the face of all the things you never wanted to do, all of the things no parent ever dreams about doing. In our case, many days have been an especially tailored nightmare. We do our best every single day but some days it just isn't enough.
While we were in the hospital, I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to do. The Holy Spirit whispered, "Sara, you have the ability to bring a bit of heaven with you where ever you go." So I took Him at His word and viewed the hospital as not just somewhere people go to get better (hopefully) but as a Holy Spirit playground. I saw opportunities all over the place to pray for others and lay hands on people in prayer. Back in July when there was the chance that we could have lost Lily, I wasn't going to let her very poor condition stop me from being hopeful for her and for others. I cheered when I saw children going home, knowing my child was going to be there for at least another 10 days. I celebrated the work I saw God doing all over that place. I celebrated when Lily broke through her poor diagnosis and began getting better again. I celebrated when her partial blockage was discovered in her stomach because at least we knew about one more missing piece to the puzzle.
There continues to be so much that we just don't know. This week, in spite of being fed into her intestines, she is still cranky and angry. It would be so easy for me to feel sorry for us and feel defeated but I am just not going to. We have come too far and God has given us too many promises in His Word to neglect even a single one, though things look quite grim today. I don't know what is wrong, I do not know how to fix it but I know that He does.
We are tired. This has been an epic-ally long battle where the fires continue to rage on. I am only one woman but fortunately, I have an entire army standing behind me, because my Father tells me so. No matter how this all shakes out, we will not be defeated, we will not have lost and I will not stop serving my God.
For now, we will hold tight to His promises because they are quite literally all that we have. We have done everything medically that there has been offered to do. Special needs parenting often translates to waiting, a lot. And so we wait. We wait for God to carry out His promises, for the things decreed over our lives to come to fruition, for the prophesies to be made manifest. We await the move of God, because nothing and no one can stop the will of God for our lives, not even the enemy of our souls. God's will is ALWAYS; wholeness, wellness and peace for our body, mind and soul. Nothing less. What I see before me is irrelevant. What God says is what is the truth. That is all I need to know. And that is where I will stay.
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Today is your day!
We don't often have "easy" days. You know, the days where you wake up feeling refreshed; eat a great breakfast and break into the day slowly. The day continues on with few bends and certainly no fractures. It's quiet and peaceful, the day tarries on just as planned. And you snuggle into bed peacefully at the end of the day.
Every night I have a prayer that has been etched into my heart— Wake me if they need me. This morning I awoke to Cookiepants gagging. She's had a rough couple of days, which is a great understatement. Two nights ago, she entering into the worst gagging/choking jag I'd ever seen. She wasn't choking on anything other than what was likely reflux. This has been going on since birth. We've been witness and active participants to this for over 3 years. In truth, we've never gotten used to it, not in full.
If ever there were a time I wished I could impress my will upon a situation, it would be now. This child has seen every specialist under the sun. She's even had a surgery that was supposed to resolve 80% of the issues surrounding her reflux. We are 4 months beyond from the surgery and some of the issues have gone away but some of the most life threatening ones are still lurking. This child has been prayed over and for by the hundreds. I believe that simple fact is one of the prevailing reasons she's still here with us today.
What is my will for Cookiepants?
My will is that she would be maximized to the greatest degree with which she can go. My prayer for her is being whole and living a life of fullness. My prayer is that life wouldn't be so bloody painful and such a great struggle for her. That all her tears would be replaced with laughter. Her fear would be replaced with certainty. That she would be able to do and accomplish the same things that we do with ease. I can't possibly explain the ache in my heart for her. I can't paint a picture, exactly of what I see.
I have however accepted where we are, I just can't allow the hope of something vastly different die. What do I know?
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6
"People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the child in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them," Mark 10:13-16
Cookiepants was knit together by my heavenly Father in my womb. She was wonderfully made. She is seated in the heavenly realms with Christ Jesus- she is already made perfect there! She is dearly loved and blessed by Jesus. Jesus loved children more than we could ever fathom, more than we as imperfect parents, love our children.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
God has a plan for Cookiepants' life! She has a grand purpose here. She is here to take hold of hope and a future. We do not know what those plans are. We just know that we are an integral part of her purpose, she was gifted to us by our heavenly Father. It has been made clear to us that He saw something in us and wanted to bring something to life in us- in order that we would carry out His plan. Amidst the trials, I feel honored. At the end of the day, I can say that I am grateful. We are in a position of utter reliance upon Him because without it, we would fail miserably.
We are exhausted but He will restore us. Our hearts our broken but He mends them. We don't always have the answers but He knows. He is the answer. I will not give up hope because we have Him. I will not give up because He is my strength. I don't feel alone, though much of the time we are, He is here with us.
The days are long and bleed one day right into the next, day or night is of no consequence to me. The things that used to entertain me no longer interest me, Jesus has become the answer to every question and the whisper in every lull. I thank you Lord for your presence. I thank you for who you are. I thank you that you're holding onto me, as I'm holding onto Cookiepants. I thank you that you're my strength and my fresh air. I thank you that you are limitless when it feels like the walls are pressing in. Lord you are all. You are holy and good, no matter what— you are never swayed.
God has a plan for us all, though at time, we don't understand it. And it seems, the moment we think we do understand, the landscape changes. If there is anything I've learned, don't set up camp anywhere unless God has instructed you to. Don't get too comfortable, you're going to be moving on. Earth isn't our final destination, we're merely passing through. Everything is tentative and impermanent here. Be ready. Be prepared to move, to shift yet again into the person who He is molding you to be.
"Be on the alert. Stand firm in the faith. Be men of courage. Be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13
"Watch out! Don't let your hearts be dulled by carousing and drunkenness, and by the worries of this life. Don't let that day catch you unaware. like a trap. For that day will come upon everyone living on earth. Keep alert at all times. And pray that you might be strong enough to escape these coming horrors and stand before the Son of Man." Luke 21:34-36
Not only in our circumstance but in any and all, we must be alert and on the ready to flow into the next position we are called to. I never imagined being where I am today, with the set of circumstances I behold but I am here; I am ready, I am willing. THIS is my life. Not tomorrow or next week. It is right NOW. It may not be what I envisioned but it is the path the loving heavenly Father has me walking along. And I will praise Him in these trials. I will praise Him on the days we have victory. I will praise Him when my heart aches and I will praise Him when my heart is brimming with love and adoration. I must not stop. I must not quit. I must not be deterred. I must not be hindered. I will continue to fix my eyes on the Lord because— He is all. He is the great I am. He knows it all and sees it all and there is something great within my spirit that says to me- "I'm following that Man, He knows what He's doing!" Because the truth is folks, not a one of us knows what we're doing unless God has gifted us with the ability to do any one thing or another. All praise and glory to the Father for that too! Oh He is so good, isn't He?
Be blessed today friends, be a blessing to others.
"Today is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Every night I have a prayer that has been etched into my heart— Wake me if they need me. This morning I awoke to Cookiepants gagging. She's had a rough couple of days, which is a great understatement. Two nights ago, she entering into the worst gagging/choking jag I'd ever seen. She wasn't choking on anything other than what was likely reflux. This has been going on since birth. We've been witness and active participants to this for over 3 years. In truth, we've never gotten used to it, not in full.
If ever there were a time I wished I could impress my will upon a situation, it would be now. This child has seen every specialist under the sun. She's even had a surgery that was supposed to resolve 80% of the issues surrounding her reflux. We are 4 months beyond from the surgery and some of the issues have gone away but some of the most life threatening ones are still lurking. This child has been prayed over and for by the hundreds. I believe that simple fact is one of the prevailing reasons she's still here with us today.
What is my will for Cookiepants?
My will is that she would be maximized to the greatest degree with which she can go. My prayer for her is being whole and living a life of fullness. My prayer is that life wouldn't be so bloody painful and such a great struggle for her. That all her tears would be replaced with laughter. Her fear would be replaced with certainty. That she would be able to do and accomplish the same things that we do with ease. I can't possibly explain the ache in my heart for her. I can't paint a picture, exactly of what I see.
I have however accepted where we are, I just can't allow the hope of something vastly different die. What do I know?
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
"And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6
"People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the child in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them," Mark 10:13-16
Cookiepants was knit together by my heavenly Father in my womb. She was wonderfully made. She is seated in the heavenly realms with Christ Jesus- she is already made perfect there! She is dearly loved and blessed by Jesus. Jesus loved children more than we could ever fathom, more than we as imperfect parents, love our children.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
God has a plan for Cookiepants' life! She has a grand purpose here. She is here to take hold of hope and a future. We do not know what those plans are. We just know that we are an integral part of her purpose, she was gifted to us by our heavenly Father. It has been made clear to us that He saw something in us and wanted to bring something to life in us- in order that we would carry out His plan. Amidst the trials, I feel honored. At the end of the day, I can say that I am grateful. We are in a position of utter reliance upon Him because without it, we would fail miserably.
We are exhausted but He will restore us. Our hearts our broken but He mends them. We don't always have the answers but He knows. He is the answer. I will not give up hope because we have Him. I will not give up because He is my strength. I don't feel alone, though much of the time we are, He is here with us.
The days are long and bleed one day right into the next, day or night is of no consequence to me. The things that used to entertain me no longer interest me, Jesus has become the answer to every question and the whisper in every lull. I thank you Lord for your presence. I thank you for who you are. I thank you that you're holding onto me, as I'm holding onto Cookiepants. I thank you that you're my strength and my fresh air. I thank you that you are limitless when it feels like the walls are pressing in. Lord you are all. You are holy and good, no matter what— you are never swayed.
God has a plan for us all, though at time, we don't understand it. And it seems, the moment we think we do understand, the landscape changes. If there is anything I've learned, don't set up camp anywhere unless God has instructed you to. Don't get too comfortable, you're going to be moving on. Earth isn't our final destination, we're merely passing through. Everything is tentative and impermanent here. Be ready. Be prepared to move, to shift yet again into the person who He is molding you to be.
"Be on the alert. Stand firm in the faith. Be men of courage. Be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13
"Watch out! Don't let your hearts be dulled by carousing and drunkenness, and by the worries of this life. Don't let that day catch you unaware. like a trap. For that day will come upon everyone living on earth. Keep alert at all times. And pray that you might be strong enough to escape these coming horrors and stand before the Son of Man." Luke 21:34-36
Not only in our circumstance but in any and all, we must be alert and on the ready to flow into the next position we are called to. I never imagined being where I am today, with the set of circumstances I behold but I am here; I am ready, I am willing. THIS is my life. Not tomorrow or next week. It is right NOW. It may not be what I envisioned but it is the path the loving heavenly Father has me walking along. And I will praise Him in these trials. I will praise Him on the days we have victory. I will praise Him when my heart aches and I will praise Him when my heart is brimming with love and adoration. I must not stop. I must not quit. I must not be deterred. I must not be hindered. I will continue to fix my eyes on the Lord because— He is all. He is the great I am. He knows it all and sees it all and there is something great within my spirit that says to me- "I'm following that Man, He knows what He's doing!" Because the truth is folks, not a one of us knows what we're doing unless God has gifted us with the ability to do any one thing or another. All praise and glory to the Father for that too! Oh He is so good, isn't He?
Be blessed today friends, be a blessing to others.
"Today is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Monday, March 6, 2017
Stay at home mom
I am a stay at home Mom. I am also an author. I am also in the process of radically changing my life by living in better obedience to the person God has called me to be. It sounds complicated but it isn't, it's yielding to His will for my life- not fighting for the life I think I should be living.
Oh I still have plans and hopes and dreams, I haven't turned all that in for a life of silence and obscurity. For the past several months, since the writing of: Human, being— I've been living my life more out loud than ever. I'm not going to stop where I am either.
For those of you that follow this blog regularly know that not only am I a stay at home Mom of 3, I am also a special needs Mom. Being a special needs Mom is a tall order, to say the very least. It's a call to be dynamic; on the fly, flexible and thrifty. My husband says, "Special needs means extra pillows and blankets." Ha! It is true, Cookiepants is usually cozied in amidst a pile of pillows and blankets. So, when Cookiepants needs something it usually means- now! I have to be ready around the clock because we never know what the day will hold.
As a stay at home Mom, I am always on the clock. I don't get to punch out and leave my work at work. Work is also home or anywhere else I go. I never thought I would embrace motherhood the way I have and I certainly never thought I would embrace being a special needs Mom the way I have either. I love being a mom, even with all of it's typical challenges and even the other the top challenges. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is who has filled my heart unto over flowing for my children. I know that God has strengthened me each and every single day. I know that the days I confessed to Jesus that I just couldn't do it anymore today, He was the one who sat beside me and took over.
So many nights I've flopped into my bed with the morning light peeking through the window and the alarm was set to go off soon. So many morning fueled by caffeine and a hearty breakfast. It has been this love that my heart is filled with that has spurred me on. The kind of love that only God could fill my heart with, a love that never runs out and only grows.
I think being a stay at home mom may be one of the most under rated "jobs" there is. Sure there are days where I scarcely get housework done but I've taken a new approach there too. But just because it didn't get done doesn't mean I sat on my rump eating fine chocolates and drinking wine while the kids ran a muck. It simply means I was too busy with the kids and it wasn't necessary for me to cause myself to feel overwhelmed. Our enemy wants us to feel overwhelmed but God wants us to have peace in the midst of chaos and busyness. We don't have to get all crazy getting busy around the house. Yes, absolutely take care of your home, you are the steward of your home. But moving about at break neck speeds and completely exhausting yourself isn't the way to go about it.
Take one thing at a time and in stride with the day. If the kids are pretty chill, push to get a bit more done. If they're nuts, you may be best off waiting until nap time or bedtime. I refuse to be that flop into bed mommy at the end of a typical day and I refuse to have guilt about the things I didn't get done either. It's over, the enemy loses. There isn't anywhere in the Bible that says I need to drive myself nuts doing everything just so I can be a good Mom. Read Proverbs 31, it's a lovely depiction of a wife and mother. It's what I strive to be but not by my own doing, by allowing God's work within me to shine through brightly. Not the person I think I should be. Not the Mom I think I should be. Not the Christian I think I should be. Just simply the woman God is molding me into being. And if that woman doesn't look like the woman I thought I ought to be, all the more better because God's choice is far better than I can ever express into words.
Don't be a strung out Mom, allow and make room for the Mom God wants you to be. Allow Him to mold you. Allow Him to have His way. Listen to His promptings, listen to His gentle call. He loves you and knows you better than you know yourself. Oh He is so good, dear friends.
Much love and wishing you a blessed day!
Oh I still have plans and hopes and dreams, I haven't turned all that in for a life of silence and obscurity. For the past several months, since the writing of: Human, being— I've been living my life more out loud than ever. I'm not going to stop where I am either.
For those of you that follow this blog regularly know that not only am I a stay at home Mom of 3, I am also a special needs Mom. Being a special needs Mom is a tall order, to say the very least. It's a call to be dynamic; on the fly, flexible and thrifty. My husband says, "Special needs means extra pillows and blankets." Ha! It is true, Cookiepants is usually cozied in amidst a pile of pillows and blankets. So, when Cookiepants needs something it usually means- now! I have to be ready around the clock because we never know what the day will hold.
As a stay at home Mom, I am always on the clock. I don't get to punch out and leave my work at work. Work is also home or anywhere else I go. I never thought I would embrace motherhood the way I have and I certainly never thought I would embrace being a special needs Mom the way I have either. I love being a mom, even with all of it's typical challenges and even the other the top challenges. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is who has filled my heart unto over flowing for my children. I know that God has strengthened me each and every single day. I know that the days I confessed to Jesus that I just couldn't do it anymore today, He was the one who sat beside me and took over.
So many nights I've flopped into my bed with the morning light peeking through the window and the alarm was set to go off soon. So many morning fueled by caffeine and a hearty breakfast. It has been this love that my heart is filled with that has spurred me on. The kind of love that only God could fill my heart with, a love that never runs out and only grows.
I think being a stay at home mom may be one of the most under rated "jobs" there is. Sure there are days where I scarcely get housework done but I've taken a new approach there too. But just because it didn't get done doesn't mean I sat on my rump eating fine chocolates and drinking wine while the kids ran a muck. It simply means I was too busy with the kids and it wasn't necessary for me to cause myself to feel overwhelmed. Our enemy wants us to feel overwhelmed but God wants us to have peace in the midst of chaos and busyness. We don't have to get all crazy getting busy around the house. Yes, absolutely take care of your home, you are the steward of your home. But moving about at break neck speeds and completely exhausting yourself isn't the way to go about it.
Take one thing at a time and in stride with the day. If the kids are pretty chill, push to get a bit more done. If they're nuts, you may be best off waiting until nap time or bedtime. I refuse to be that flop into bed mommy at the end of a typical day and I refuse to have guilt about the things I didn't get done either. It's over, the enemy loses. There isn't anywhere in the Bible that says I need to drive myself nuts doing everything just so I can be a good Mom. Read Proverbs 31, it's a lovely depiction of a wife and mother. It's what I strive to be but not by my own doing, by allowing God's work within me to shine through brightly. Not the person I think I should be. Not the Mom I think I should be. Not the Christian I think I should be. Just simply the woman God is molding me into being. And if that woman doesn't look like the woman I thought I ought to be, all the more better because God's choice is far better than I can ever express into words.
Don't be a strung out Mom, allow and make room for the Mom God wants you to be. Allow Him to mold you. Allow Him to have His way. Listen to His promptings, listen to His gentle call. He loves you and knows you better than you know yourself. Oh He is so good, dear friends.
Much love and wishing you a blessed day!
Monday, January 2, 2017
We're still here!
2016 gave us white knuckles at times, barely holding onto much of anything and certainly not ourselves. Once again it was another year of learning; trial/error, crashing and burning too. It was a year of sitting and watching as those around us were living their lives while it felt like we were living someone else's.
We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.
If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.
He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.
I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.
One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?
I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.
The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.
There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.
So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.
Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.
2017, here we come!
God bless.
We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.
If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.
He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.
I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.
One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?
I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.
The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.
There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.
So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.
Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.
2017, here we come!
God bless.
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