If these walls could talk!

    I thought for sure this post was going to happen yesterday but yesterday had other plans. I woke up thinking about what to write about but nothing stood out at me. The days where I wake up with something on my mind and on my heart to write about tend to be the most successful.

    First of all, I just want to thank my faithful readers, it appears that my readership has grown here on this blog. So, I'm excited and grateful for that! So thank you dear reader friends, sign up for email alerts every time I post on here. I try my best not to disappoint and to just keep it real here. I figure so much of the world is a mirage, I feel compelled to speak truth and life. With that being said... Onto today's post.

    Here it is, the day is here— moving day! Am I scared? No. Nervous? A little... I just want everything to go quickly and smoothly. My husband is in charge of orchestrating the moving portion of it, so I have full confidence in him! Originally they forecast rain for today but they've changed it several times. I think they've decided it will rain but not until later today. *sigh* This is Wisconsin after all folks and the weather is never predictable.

   I've been feeling a bit emotional the last few days as I gaze around each room, now packed (as neatly as possible) in boxes. What a wild and crazy almost 5 years here. So much life was lived here- in a relatively short time. There were so many life lessons I learned while living here, mostly hard ones or ones that came at a great cost. There were so many tears here, there was a lot of praying done here, a lot of crying out. But there was also a lot of planning and praising and laughter. There is no real way to condense everything I learned down into one blog post, it would probably be a short novel filled with bullet points. So, I will do my best to pass along the big ones, the real head scratchers.

    Life isn't about stuff or what you accomplish, it's more about who is in your life and how you treat them. This was a difficult and frustrating lesson in some ways. There is nothing like tragedy to separate the real deal from the fakes. The people who are in remain while the "only when the sun is shining" type of people disappear. Wow! This was a real eye opener. This was a hard lesson. But you take a deep breath in, remind yourself that God is sovereign- which means He's sovereign in your relationships too.

     Life isn't about you, it's more about them. Whoever them is, whether it's your spouse, your children or anyone else God has put in your care. It's about them, not you. Sure, take care of yourself too but you're not number one.

   Stop trying to control everything it is a fruitless endeavor. Really, it is. You will be frustrated and far more exhausted that you would be if you just handed it over to God! Just surrender. It will be the wisest decision you've ever made. But what if things don't turn out the way I wanted them to? Or what if it's not what I want. What if I'm not happy? -------Do you hear all the I's in there? Oh yeah, it's not about ME. Forget the "I" and let go and let God! Your life is not your own anymore and God has a plan for your life, find out how you can follow it. Relinquish control, there is freedom to be found there.

    Worrying is stupid. No, really it is. It's so pointless. Do you have any idea how many nights I've been kept awake most of the night with worry? Maybe you've suffered the same self inflicted torture. It was dumb wasn't it? Did it turn out to be the disaster you were picturing in your head? Probably not. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's so stupid. Just stop. Once again, let it go. God is already ahead of you anyway. Let Him handle it.

   Sanctification isn't church attendance. If you go to church and help at the local food shelter and donate to this or that charity- don't be counting yourself as the biggest saint there ever was. And certainly don't be looking at others who don't do those things as sinners. God looks at the heart of a person. We can't go ahead and get caught up in a whole mess of "works" of the flesh and think, I got to church or help this or that person, I'm good... No, we must examine ourselves— daily! Examine ourselves daily before God. Father, please reveal to me anything within me that displeases you or isn't of you. It's a hearty prayer but a good one.

    Life is less about doing and more about being. Oh boy this one really spun my head around once I really sunk my teeth into it and got it. It's life's finest art, it truly is. I will preface this short blurb by saying I wrote an entire book on this subject matter because this has been, for me, the most freeing experience I have ever crossed paths with. The book is called "Human, Being." It has been changing the lives of the people who have been reading it and I feel so honored God set me on the path to such a touching and meaningful writing project. Please check it out, I'll leave the web address at the end of this blog. Okay, being. Yes, just being. Not doing- everything- all the time. That's what we as humans have been conditioned to do, is do everything. We twist; contort, control, bend until we break— literally. Stop! Stop the madness, stop trying to do everything all at once! Slow down. Enjoy life. Take it all in. This is the finest experience of life, just being. Being who God created us to be! Oh this one is so good, so freeing, so life giving.

    Throw away the picture you have in your head because it will become your enemy. That picture you have in your head of how things should be will mock you and cause you more grief than you could ever connect the dots enough to understand. I'm not calling you stupid, what I'm saying is that the small picture we have for our lives has much deeper roots than we realize and the ripple effect is far more reaching than we could ever imagine! I have no idea how many lives I reach and touch through my writing. I don't know until a reader reaches out to me and tells me and even then I still don't know about the many others. The picture you've set in your mind of what life should look like will be your downfall. First of all, God has a grand plan for all of our lives and it's far bigger and more extravagant than we can envision. Secondly, by setting a picture in our minds of precise specifications you are setting limits for yourself when we worship a limitless God. God isn't a genie so I don't think it would be wise to treat Him as such but He is limitless. He hears your prayers dear friend, ask. And my third point here is; by setting preconceived pictures in our mind, when things fall desperately short of those pictures we are infinitely disappointed. Now, if you're willing to go along with God's plan- which you cannot see, you have no expectation other than the fact that God will lead you.

    Different isn't bad. Different is just different. When Cookiepants was born she wasn't what we expected, she came out needing all types of help, serious medical help. She was born different than us. This was difficult to accept, we had no indication while I was pregnant that anything was wrong with her. It didn't matter to us that she wasn't what we expected, we loved her no less and actually, have come to love and cherish her even more than we ever could have imagined. I lead a different kind of life, ranging from my life as a wife and mother and even down to my diet. I handle things differently than most people do. When some panic and worry, I'll pray. When out to eat for a nice meal, some order steak- I'll order just vegetables. I'm quite firm in what I believe, it's taken me my entire life to come to these conclusions and decisions and I've felt as though I've been lead here by the Holy Spirit. It's where I am, this is my life. I've learned not to judge others just because they're different, it's a constant and conscious practice. Every time I encounter someone new or someone I know, conversations are exchanged, opinions are exchanged- there is no room for judgement. From me or from them. It's not my place to judge and their life isn't mine, we haven't walked the same path or come to the same conclusions. One of the greatest mistakes you can make is assume you're being judged by someone with firm beliefs. Just because they believe something in an unshakeable way doesn't mean that they're looking at you, believing you're wrong because you're not living the way they are. Make sense? I'm vegan. When I walk into a restaurant and see meat on everyone's plate I don't think to myself- "look at all these meat eaters, what a bunch of disgusting low life jerks, eating their meat happily." (Really, I don't) What I think about is how I used to eat meat and what it was that I was brought to in my life to make the decision to go vegan. I will never win over a person in the case of veganism by telling them how "wrong" they are and shoving my beliefs and facts down their throat. How many souls have been won over in the case of Christianity like that? By living in this way you're playing the role of judge. So both parties are guilty of passing judgement. Let others live their lives and be different and love them. Sure, share truth with them, whether it's health related, the Gospel or whatever it is, share truth but don't judge and don't try and force your hand. We're called to plant seeds in the lives of others, God takes care of growing those seeds.

    Oh I knew I was going to run into this, it's too hard to pick just a few things to talk about here. If these walls could talk I would need to learn how to type faster so I could take better notes. It really has been a wild and crazy last several years, I can't believe the people who are walking out of this place. Who we've become and the people God is shaping us into being. I am so blessed and feel so honored.

   Just a couple last minute things because it's nearing the hour of commotion... If you feel as though you can't go any further be prepared to go just a little bit further. That's where growth happens and that's where the fruit is. And the things you think that you can't accomplish are the very things you should fight hard to accomplish through prayer and just doing it. Those will be crowning accomplishments! Those will be a part of your testimony of your life. Those will likely be points scored for the Kingdom.

   Well, I think that's it for now. It's bittersweet closing up a last blog post in this home. So much was learned and accomplished here. I hope this has helped at least one person. Keep going, life is turbulent at times and at others times we're on the highest mountain peaks! Hang on, cling to Jesus. He really does know what He's doing and He never does leave. I can say that with certainty. We've endured enough to know He has never left our side and we know He is already awaiting us in our new home. It's so exciting, this new chapter we're embarking on. I have no idea what lay ahead but I know the One who does.

   Much love dear friend, I hope you have an especially blessed day!

Moving on

    The last 5 years have been a bit of a whirlwind to say the very least. January marked our 5th winter in this home, being the longest I've lived anywhere since moving out of my parents house on my 18th birthday. So for me, it was a landmark. I suppose you can say I've struggled to make a home anywhere for too long. And because God was the one that set aside this home for us in the first place, staying here this long wasn't a challenge.

   I've spent the last week really digging into packing up the house for our move next week. It's been a bit emotional and definitely a reminder to take things down and dust them off every once in a while- haha! I've been walking around the house for the last couple of weeks trying to decide what can get packed up and what can stay out until the last minute. I've been setting aside things we can pass along, hopefully, to someone who needs the items. Then I began thinking about who we were when we moved in here. Our oldest would have just celebrated her 6th birthday, so that's what? Kindergarten? Wow! She's in 4th grade now. Cookiepants and her little brother weren't on the radar yet. We walked into the house as 3 people and are walking out as 5.

    When we moved in here I was still young in my sobriety, though I already had some time under my belt. My husband was still working at the facility with troubled youth in his chosen social work field. And I, only had one book published- all the way back in 2008! Since being here I've established myself as a stay at home mom and author. An ever crazier fact, every book I've published, I've done so since Cookiepants was born! Imagine that. Being a special needs parent doesn't mean you have less of a life, it just means you work a bit harder for the life you want. It has been worth it!

   Since we've been here I've embraced motherhood more than ever, being that I have 3 children instead of just one. I've learned that I'm able to take care of a special little person with extraordinary medical needs. I've learned more about marriage since I've been living here- that it's more about the other person than it is about you. And that next in line after God is my husband. I've learned what it truly means to feel alone, even when you're surrounded by other people. I've discovered who true friends are and that just because someone is blood related that it doesn't mean they're there for you. I've learned about the social media haze and what it can do to your life and how to break free from it. I've learned to live and let live, let go and let God- even when you're scared. I've learned the biggest risks often yield the greatest rewards, especially when they're taken in obedience to God. I've learned more so that health should be a top priority because if I'm not healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally) I can't take care of others.

    Many tears have been shed here but there has been much laughter too. This is where I've grown the most. This is where I've plummeted to a place I wasn't sure I was going to crawl out of. This is where I leaned on Jesus just to get me through the day. This is where I've seen God's hand in more circumstances than I ever could have imagined. This is where I learned that God really is good. This is where I truly began to see God in everything.

   I'm not sure what the road looks like ahead. I know we'll have struggles in the future because life has a way of throwing a curve ball. But because of everything I've learned while living here, I am confident that no matter what lay ahead God will be there. He already is there and it's going to be okay.

    I pray for more laughter, more adventures and more fun. I pray for more teaching moments, more time with my Savior and seeing the hand of God in everything. I pray for choosing peace even when circumstances are pushing me toward chaos. I pray for thriving friendships, good times and being who God created us to be.

    There will be a moment when the house is empty and I will look around and see the last 5 years pass through my mind. And though the road hasn't been easy, I will smile, look up and say: "Thank you Father for your goodness, you made this place a good home."

   Have a blessed day friends!

UNDER ATTACK!!!!

     "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat." Luke 22:31
Satan has asked... Yes, asked.

     "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

     In moments of frustration, Satan is fighting hard to steal your joy. In times of trouble, Satan is seeking to destroy your positive attitude. And when there looks to be no end to the misery, Satan is fighting hard to kill your hope.

     Satan has asked to sift you as wheat, not to mention the text above says: all of you. Sift us as wheat; run us through the ringer, drag us through the mud, swing at us in a boxing match... We're in a war. It is a war and it has been cleared by the King of Kings.

     It's not cruel considering God's number one priority is our spiritual development and oneness with Him. This life is temporary. Our troubles are momentary. But while in the midst of them, they're at times overwhelming and consuming.

     Have you ever been under attack in the same way, over and over again? Or have you been under a string of attacks?
     Let me ask you this, how did you react? Did you lose your crap? Scream; yell, shout, throw things, cuss? Or did you just stop in the midst of it, no matter how urgent it seemed and pray instead?

    When you're in school and the teacher gives you a test, there are a series of questions you must fill out to get a passing grade, right? If you don't answer enough of the questions correctly, you're going to fail that test. In combination with all the other failed tests, the end of the year has come and you don't move onto the next grade. You failed to show the teacher that you retained enough information to move onto the next grade. So, next year, you get to go through that same grade all over again.

    How is life any different? How is becoming a well rounded person in Christ any different? Our aim as followers of Jesus Christ is to become more like Him. It's best for us, He set the best possibly example of how a human should conduct themselves here on planet earth. If you don't believe me, read more of His words. He didn't walk around jaded and worn down by the weight of the world. He walked with boldness and certainty. He had a beautiful soul. He loved everyone. He is peace. He is life. That is my aim.

    It hasn't been an easy road being molded to be more like Jesus. I'd be lying if I said it was a walk in the park because it hasn't been. I've cried; I've wept, I've yelled and cussed. But I've also prayed; praised, sang and persevered. My walk hadn't changed one bit until I changed my reaction.

    Yes, I changed my reaction. It is the only thing I have control over in my life- my attitude and how I react. Think about it for a moment, what can you control?
—Nothing.

    When the walls are pressing in and I'm exhausted and just can't do it anymore, I'm changing my reaction. The situation doesn't seem to weighty anymore. It feels more doable. An end appears. I pray. I pray my way through it, as I'm wading through the mud of life. I'm never alone, Jesus is always with me, so why wouldn't I talk to Him. We're going through this together, He is the one who gives me strength.

     Do you have those days where it's just one thing after another? The kids; the coffee maker, the car, the traffic, spilled coffee on your lap, that annoying coworker. Look at your reaction. Don't blame it on the universe being out to get you. This has more to do with you that you realize. And here's a bit to get angry about, Satan is betting against you. Oh he sure is, he wants to see you lose. He wants to see you fall flat on your face so he can come back next week and hit you just as hard for the same stuff. Doesn't that make you angry? He is betting against you and wants you to lose your crap... What are we supposed to do?

    War against him. Change your reaction. He's trying to get your goat, don't let him. Your poor reaction leaves the door cracked open for spiritual attacks.
"In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

    When faced with adversity, don't react poorly, you look foolish. You're being laughed at by the enemy and his dark followers. How is your poor reaction any different from that of a 3 year old having a temper tantrum? It isn't. We're adults, we're followers of Christ. Let's seek out godly council, pray and react appropriately.

    Jesus is your strength. Jesus will spur you on and give you whatever is necessary to press on. I know like can really stink sometimes but our ridiculous reaction just makes it worse and secures us a spot for continued attacks. The best encouragement I can find to support this; "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

     An antagonist will eventually give up when they're not getting the reaction they desire from you. Submit yourselves to God! Pray. Trust. Press in. Submit. Resist by not giving in. Say no. Talk to Jesus. Satan will leave you alone. He has to because you closed the door that allowed him in.

    Friends, I know we've all been here. It's part of life. Life wasn't meant to make us happy- although we find happiness while we're here. Life was meant to mold us into the character and nature of Christ. We could have no better role model than He. Praise Him in your trials, press into Him. He defeated death and the devil. We don't know how to navigate through the minefields of life, but He does.

Have a blessed day friends!

Relationships

      Reality is a strange thing... It isn't what we think it is either. There is a whole other alternate realm in which we move about, yet can't see. I know there are some twisted teachings on this, some more new age twisted ones. I know because I used to read the material and "practice" it. As always the enemy takes what is good and twists it.

    There are things that we can't see that we're protected from, sometimes we find out what those things were and other times we don't. We are always in danger of some snare somewhere.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 
     There are things God protects us from and there are pitfalls we can avoid but being aware and by praying continually. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
It sounds complicated, praying all the time. I think of it as talking to Jesus all day long, even if what you're saying is what you would deem boring. It's a relationship in which you share everything, even your silly little trivial thoughts. He already knows what you're thinking, the obedience and gesture of friendship is in saying those things out loud.

     Jesus can even help you make decisions. "Lord, is this your will? What do you want me to do in this circumstance?" The Holy spirit knows when it's time to speak and when it's time to keep your mouth shut. If I didn't heed the Holy Spirits prompting I would say all kinds of things that weren't helpful or of use to others. It's not hard, it just requires a bit of obedience on our parts. Talking to God all day is far more real than the chair your sitting in. God is eternal. This world is temporal. That sums it up. And if Jesus Christ is your Lord and savior and you're going to spend eternity with Him, don't you want to talk to Him everyday- all day long? I know I do! I get distracted. There are so many things to distract me away from what is most important. But that is also part of the enemy's plan too.

    When you're feeling that ancient spirit of getting over whelmed- know that readjusting your gaze back to God will diminish it. Life says- do everything NOW. God says- in My timing. Our enemy comes only to steal and kill and destroy. (John 10;10) Talking to God will help you discern what needs to be attended to immediately and what doesn't. It's amazing the things that will distract us away from what matters more.

     We also live in an age where being social means logging into our social media account. Which doesn't supplement real human contact but in some cases, we've allowed it to. We have successfully substituted real friendships for "only at my convenience" and "just give me a quick rundown." Does that really replace face to face communication? No! We are accepting cheap substitutes for real friendships. Is social media nice to keep in touch with people who don't live in the same country or state as you? Absolutely, yes. But if it's a legitimate friendship, you're not keeping tabs on one another just by your status update and choreographed pictures that are posted.

     Our enemy is quite crafty when it comes to the allure of what he has in mind. Everything that he does offer is nothing but a cheap substitution. It's like paying Prada prices for a knock off bag where the stitches are all misaligned. That's not Prada.
      I listened to a sermon yesterday that served as a good reminded for all friendships, not just marriages. There was one scripture that stood out to me the most-  "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." Proverbs 17:17 
Born for a time of adversity... Real family and friends are the ones that stick around. Real friends and family are the ones that bear your burdens with you so the weight of it isn't so heavy. Jesus was the ultimate weight bearer but we are designed to be in community with one another too. Do you step up when your friend is in need? Or just when it's merely convenient to be friends with them? The light and trivial stuff.
     I've seen a recent outcry against fake friends and superficial relationships but where is the effort? Where is your effort? Are you putting in the time and the effort? Or are you happy to live in the superficial world that has been laid out before us? The one that will not stand the test of time. First and foremost our relationship with God needs to be in good order, constant communion with Him. Second, our family relationships and friendships will either fall into place to lay by the wayside. I know there comes this point of frustration where you've exhibited the effort necessary to sustain a relationship but the effort hasn't been reciprocated. What answer is there for that? Pray for them and forgive them. We all must live from a place of constant forgiveness. Many times the offense against us isn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

   God is sovereign, if God is sovereign then our friendships are contingent upon who He allows in our life too. If a relationship is wildly out of balance as concerns effort maybe it's just a closed door and it's time to stop banging on it and walk away.

    God is so good. His goodness is all around us if he are willing to be of sober mind and thank Him continually for His goodness. Don't settle for less than God's best in your life, that goes for everything that is available to us. Whether it's friends, things or places. There isn't anything that isn't from God that is worth having. You will always be left with a feeling of emptiness.

   Have a blessed day friends.

We're still here!

    2016 gave us white knuckles at times, barely holding onto much of anything and certainly not ourselves. Once again it was another year of learning; trial/error, crashing and burning too. It was a year of sitting and watching as those around us were living their lives while it felt like we were living someone else's.

    We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.

    If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.

   He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.

     I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.

     One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?

     I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.

    The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.

    There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.

    So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.

   Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.

     2017, here we come!
     God bless.

We had no idea...

 

      I think back to 3 years ago when I was just a couple months pregnant with Lily... I try to remember the challenges I faced and my attitude and reactions to them. I try to think about what my idea of lost sleep was or what feeling "heart-broken" felt like to me then. I think about these things because I had no idea that I'd be sitting here, having experienced the things I have experienced since then.

   I try to think about the things that used to get under my skin... Uncontrollably screaming children. Grinding teeth. Vomiting. No sleep. Opposition at every corner. Constant mind numbing pain in my back.

   I think by now, you can guess where this is going. I'm there, all these things listed above happen or occur on a daily basis. If you know me, I don't seek pity. I have no interest in it, I write these blogs just to give a glance into the window known as our life. I view the aforementioned irritants as sandpaper to grind away at the things that never should have bothered me. Does that make sense? There are things we let bother us or that we judge but we don't know the back story behind those things. Maybe I made a mistake along the road and judged something or someone and that's why they're my sandpaper now. I don't know and I likely won't find out this side of heaven. All I can do is accept these things and move on.

   I am not the woman I was 3 years ago, there may be a mere scrap of her left. Though I know we have suffered some form of PTSD from all of this, I feel like we're slowly coming out of it. My plan is to emerge from all this trauma stronger than I ever was, more certain of who I am. What matters most, is who I am in Christ and boy have I ever gotten to know that version of me better than ever. Never in my life have I had to depend on God so much, someday's just to get through the day in tact.


    When we think about starting a family or expanding one, we get this cushy feeling. One of love and warmth and completion. I know I did. I still do. (no, we're not expanding the family anymore) When we embark on such a wondrous journey with our husband or wife, the mere thought of it is exciting! It's also scary because it's unknown territory, instead of 2 of us, there will be 3 or 4 or 5, etc. When we embarked on this journey, we had no idea that we would have such a high calling. A calling that only God could see us through.

    I was never much for relying on people or asking for help, I was always a "I'll do it myself" kind of gal. I think or two reasons, one- people fail you and two- pride. I've come to realize that people still fail you but I've also come to realize that there's no room for pride in my life. I don't want anything to do with it, in fact, I pray the Holy Spirt continues to convict me of any pride.

    Never in a million years did I think we'd have an unhealthy baby... Pride. There I stood, spiritually naked, pride-less. And all the things above that used to get under my skin, I was forced to replace with a feeling of love and sympathy.

   There were so many things I didn't understand about life and the people here. There are still so many more things I don't understand and will likely never come into contact with in my lifetime. What I do know is that there were things that I had never experienced or dismissed as irritating that I am now faced with everyday. My heart swells with love for those of us who are on such a complicated journey... We all are really, as no two lives look the same. We're all faced with challenges and complications. But it's all a matter of how we view them. I guess I was just extra stubborn and the only way to change me was to break me. And the only way to get me to seek God or look to Him in every aspect of my life was to bring me to my knees.

    We all bleed and breathe, we all desire love. In my early 20's I was blind to that fact. If you were lousy toward me, expect a double dose back! Now... I believe it's a waste of time and I'd rather just pray for them. For most of us, there are defining moments in life when that light bulb lights up above our heads. There will always be nay-sayers, don't let them stop you if you know it's right. We need to keep pressing on, moving forward, in the right direction. Our attitude defines who we really are! I know my attitude needed some fine tuning, though for now I'm still tired and my body is hurting I certainly feel like I have a greater purpose to my life. I was broken so that God's light can shine through me better. It was painful being stripped spiritually naked but I'm grateful it happened.

    Keep pressing on friends, let your hearts be filled with love for those around you even if they don't treat you well. Pray for them instead. We've all walked a path none of us knows anything about, love on them rather than judge. I share this because I know at points and places in my life, I made these mistakes. Being broken isn't ugly, it's beautiful- God's light can shine through...

   

Adulting doesn't have to suck.

       Psssssssst..... come'ere, I wanna tell you a secret... Come a little closer- there, that's perfect. You ready?
      -Just because we're adults, our life doesn't have to suck... No really, It doesn't. -Yes, of course I'm serious, you don't have to look so bewildered.

       I've recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be all work and no play or laughter or planning everything to the nth degree. I've seen a meme going around the internet that the Bible says: "Fear not" like 365 times but I think it may actually be more. I haven't counted, that would take a lot of time. Okay, cross check, Google says it is indeed 365 times. So guess what, that's no coincidence and there is in fact one "fear not" for each day of the year!

      Think about that for a minute, what is the root of all your adulting anxiety? I know what mine is, FEAR! I had one smart college professor that professed that fear was- False Evidence Appearing Real. That really stuck with me!

     I still have days where my mind starts spinning out of control with all the what if's and believe me, there are a lot of them. But honestly, as of late, I really just don't care. They're not my problem. Jesus told me to come to Him and He would give me rest and give me His yoke which is much easier than mine. So guess what, daily (dismissing fear) I turn over my burdens to Him. He's got it. Yes, He's strong enough. Who else could have managed to die on the cross for all the sins of the world? God in the flesh, that's who.

      With my new "fear not" banner waving proudly in the air (courtesy of Jesus, of course) I've had the distinct pleasure of feeling alive again. Yes, alive. No, I wasn't dead before but I surely wasn't living... I was getting by each day, head hitting the pillow exhausted. Oh I'm still tired some days, I'm human but my heart isn't so heavily weighed down with all the burdens of life.

      We of course have a unique circumstance in our house, our daughter... Whose fate we can't be certain, we don't know any of our fates but there is one things we do know about our fate- where we're going. That is one thing that helps me sleep at night, should anything happen to any one of us, we will one day be together again. Thank you Lord Jesus!!! I can't thank Him enough and I can't manage to live my life enough for Him either! It's a debt I simply pay nor did He expect me to. He just wants me to trust Him. So, everyday I wake up there is an exchange that takes place. I hand over my stuff and He gives me His peace. Yes, It's that easy... There are times throughout the day where the enemy tries to steal it but it's as simple as readjusting my vision back to Him.

      It has absolutely broken me how little I've been "living" rather than just getting by and surviving the day. Yes, broken. It's been like a thick cloud of oppression. It was dark and thick and miserable in there. I wasn't alone in there, maybe it was something I needed to go though to get to where I am now and have some staying power here. I never knew a sadness like I became acquainted with other the last two years, it was debilitating. There are still days where I feel emotional but I've learned that I need to experience them rather than suppress them.

      On the difficult days I know I can kneel at the foot of the cross and surrender everything over to Jesus once more. There isn't a limit. There is no end to His love and understanding. He will never tell me to go away. And He will never leave my side.

     I'm re-learning how to be an adult, the most responsible way I know how. It's been a matter of erasing everything I thought that I knew and replacing it with His truths. I'm letting go of the wheel and giving it over to Him, Jesus will do a much better job of avoiding the pot holes and pit falls of life than I will. I can have a bit more fun too because I'm not shouldering all that unnecessary responsibility that just isn't mine. It's not mine, say it with me. IT'S NOT MINE! Now give up. Really, it's safe, give up. Give it over to Jesus and start to live for Him rather than for whatever the world is telling you to live for. If you're living for Him, you're loving people in all the right ways. You're doing your part in the world but the stress is gone. Poof! Gone.

      The heck with stress and anxiety and all those other awful things were plagued with. Screw them all! We don't need them, do we? Life is so hard that we don't even get out of here alive... Haha... sorry, a little humor there. But we can have eternal life and that friends, that is a beautiful thing!

      Hey, don't let adulting get you down. Talk to Jesus, He'd love to hear from you and He'd love to share in your burdens with you and your triumphs. He's an amazing man.

    I'm off to go color in my blanket fort, have a stellar day friends!

Surrender...

        It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
       Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
      It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
     My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
     I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
     My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
    They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
    So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
    I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
     We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
     Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
     I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
     It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
     The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
      As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
     I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
    I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.