Waking up

     "All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:8-10

    "Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32

     "They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart." Ephesians 4:18

     "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

     "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world." 1 John 4:1

     "I have given then your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it." John 17:14-16 


      We are in a time and have been for some time now, that needs your careful and full attention. You are no longer in a comfortable and familiar place. The things that happen around you are no longer acceptable, nor have they been for quite some time now. Every single thought that streams through your mind each day, not everyone of them is your own. If ever there were a time that I needed you to read this until the end, I implore you to do so now. This is important. This is life saving. This is soul saving. You know you have a soul, right? Something so highly coveted by an enemy that wants nothing more than complete and utter destruction of your soul. He will stop at nothing in order for that to happen. But we have weapons; wisdom, the Word and Jesus. All these in combination with one another will keep us from the snares of the enemy that searches endlessly for ways to trap us into his schemes.

    In this world today there is more information available to us than there ever has been. It's remarkable really. I can pop on the internet in a moments notice and find out just about anything I want in a flash. Whether it's song lyrics; what actor was in that one film, when the Eiffel tower was built or what ingredients are needed to make a cake from scratch. It's all there. Everything I could possibly want. It's great but we have a few problems with it.

    There is a lot of information but not enough wisdom. Wisdom comes from only one place, God. It's been a slow process really. One that was designed not to cause alarm and it was successful. Once upon a time when all the televisions were aglow in each home and long before Wi-Fi, Maybe even before the advent of radios, I'm not sure... But people used to read their Bible in order to gain wisdom. Through prayer more wisdom was gained and throughout the daily life those things learned in the Bible and from God we applied and perfected. You lived in a town where you knew the man up the road was great at fixing shoes and the woman down the street baked the best pies. And your husband, well, he was the local doctor. No one had degrees, they just knew how to do what they did- and you know what, they were good at it. God gave them the wisdom to do these things, the gift of doing these things.

    You see, we live in a time now where there is so much information out there but no wisdom. We have adopted the idea also to have institutions that dole out a degree- stating that so in so know how to do such and such and should handily fit into the community serving out their deemed diploma. Head knowledge may enable you to do so but it is wisdom that overrides head knowledge, especially in the face of something that obviously contradicts the head knowledge. We have puffed ourselves up so big that we've made up in our hearts and in our minds that we just don't need God anymore. We've begun to worship ourselves and our ability to retain and recite information. Information- that's all it is. Especially when it contradicts common sense and evidences in the contrary. We are essentially playing God with our lives and the lives of others because we continue to assert our own way.

    Do you see how the enemy has snuck in? His plan to ruin us all and continues to perpetuate because we keep caving in. We call it empowerment but we're not empowered to have "our own way" because it's the enemies way, he's convinced you it's your idea or your plan. Not every thought you have is your own. Do you not see that the enemy whispers in your ear? He has a plan for your life just as well as God does. The enemies plan is destruction. God's plan is to prosper you. Which path will you choose. If you don't believe me when I say this, I pray this message stay somewhere in the back of your mind and comes around back to the forefront of your mind before it's too late.

    World hunger is a most disturbing topic. 21,000 people die a day from hunger. They starved to death. Can you imagine that? They were so deprived for so long that they actually died. "Corn is the primary U.S. feed grain accounting for more than 95% of total feed grain production and use. More than 90 million acres of land are planted to corn, with the majority of the crop grown in the Heartland region. Most of the crop is used as the main energy ingredient in livestock feed." Google search results. 
    World hunger would literally end, yes, end, if there was no longer a desire to eat and consume animal products. Think about that for a bit.

    Our food that we have modified, whether you believe it or not, is killing us. We have altered the structure of plants and their yields. Introducing "non-food" sources to them, making part of them "not food." Our bodies then, don't know how to break down something that isn't food. Not being able to pass it though the body, the body them stores it in the soft tissues. Later, causing various odd and foreign problems and diseases. Do you ever wonder why cancer is on the rise? Or why all these new diseases are coming about? Or why there is a new prescription drug for everything imaginable under the sun? 128,000 people die each year from prescription medications and that number is on the rise, heart disease; 614,348. Cancer; 591,699. We're doing something wrong here friends, something has gone terribly wrong. If we have more "information" than ever, shouldn't we be getting better?

    If we did what we were supposed to do in the first place, we wouldn't have to go this route. We wouldn't have to be pushed to the end of ourselves and our health and our sanity before an alarm goes off.

    There is an almighty God that has an answer for everything under the sun. And He has a Son who died for you. God knows everything! Literally everything. He created everything- He once called everything "good." What we have here now, is not good. It's not even close.

    So all of us with our degree's; head knowledge, experience, opinions and bloated views of ourselves- we need to just stop. Stop what you are doing. Silence what you are thinking. Put your degree aside and consider what is really going on around you! Are you really so certain of what you've learned that you can't manage to humble yourself and consider the possibility that it's a lie and it's meant to perpetuate a machine that you are only a mere cog within? Yes, a cog. A cog in a machine that is far more wicked that you can even begin to imagine! If it doesn't bring healing; wholeness, health, prosperity, love and the grace and beauty of God- that machine you are taking part in is evil. Where ever you spend your money, you are casting a vote. Where ever you go, you are supporting a business what supports...? What do they support?

    There is an all out assault launched against us human. We have to start peering behind the veil and humble ourselves enough to say- "I don't know it all but I know the One who does!" Do you know how many belief systems have come and gone? How many sciences books have been retired due to being proved false?  Feelings change, nothing should be based on feelings. Just think about diets for a moment- how many have there been that were sworn to be the one that would work? They all took your money and went laughing all the way to the bank. We've been given over to traps and schemes. There is only one way to navigate them, God. That is all, just God. There is no magic pill here to dash everything away. It's going to be work but it will be a joyous work. There will be a peace in your heart like no other.

    We must humble ourselves acknowledging that what we see around us isn't right and that we can no longer participate in it. Our very soul hangs in the balance. God has the answers. His Son died to give us life. Ask God for wisdom and He will give freely of it to you.

    I urge you friends to just think about what you're doing... Seek God's wisdom. We need to rise up and fight to put an end to the foolishness and return to a time where everything is simpler. Life has been made far more complicated, unto the point where it is literally out of control. If you can't see that it's out of control, take a look around you. My heart aches as I type these words, we can't continue on this way. Open up the Bible and read God's word, answers are within it's pages. And God is eager to hear from you and to be included in your life. He really does love you, far more than anyone of us could possibly understand.

    Much love and blessings dear friends.

We had no idea...

 

      I think back to 3 years ago when I was just a couple months pregnant with Lily... I try to remember the challenges I faced and my attitude and reactions to them. I try to think about what my idea of lost sleep was or what feeling "heart-broken" felt like to me then. I think about these things because I had no idea that I'd be sitting here, having experienced the things I have experienced since then.

   I try to think about the things that used to get under my skin... Uncontrollably screaming children. Grinding teeth. Vomiting. No sleep. Opposition at every corner. Constant mind numbing pain in my back.

   I think by now, you can guess where this is going. I'm there, all these things listed above happen or occur on a daily basis. If you know me, I don't seek pity. I have no interest in it, I write these blogs just to give a glance into the window known as our life. I view the aforementioned irritants as sandpaper to grind away at the things that never should have bothered me. Does that make sense? There are things we let bother us or that we judge but we don't know the back story behind those things. Maybe I made a mistake along the road and judged something or someone and that's why they're my sandpaper now. I don't know and I likely won't find out this side of heaven. All I can do is accept these things and move on.

   I am not the woman I was 3 years ago, there may be a mere scrap of her left. Though I know we have suffered some form of PTSD from all of this, I feel like we're slowly coming out of it. My plan is to emerge from all this trauma stronger than I ever was, more certain of who I am. What matters most, is who I am in Christ and boy have I ever gotten to know that version of me better than ever. Never in my life have I had to depend on God so much, someday's just to get through the day in tact.


    When we think about starting a family or expanding one, we get this cushy feeling. One of love and warmth and completion. I know I did. I still do. (no, we're not expanding the family anymore) When we embark on such a wondrous journey with our husband or wife, the mere thought of it is exciting! It's also scary because it's unknown territory, instead of 2 of us, there will be 3 or 4 or 5, etc. When we embarked on this journey, we had no idea that we would have such a high calling. A calling that only God could see us through.

    I was never much for relying on people or asking for help, I was always a "I'll do it myself" kind of gal. I think or two reasons, one- people fail you and two- pride. I've come to realize that people still fail you but I've also come to realize that there's no room for pride in my life. I don't want anything to do with it, in fact, I pray the Holy Spirt continues to convict me of any pride.

    Never in a million years did I think we'd have an unhealthy baby... Pride. There I stood, spiritually naked, pride-less. And all the things above that used to get under my skin, I was forced to replace with a feeling of love and sympathy.

   There were so many things I didn't understand about life and the people here. There are still so many more things I don't understand and will likely never come into contact with in my lifetime. What I do know is that there were things that I had never experienced or dismissed as irritating that I am now faced with everyday. My heart swells with love for those of us who are on such a complicated journey... We all are really, as no two lives look the same. We're all faced with challenges and complications. But it's all a matter of how we view them. I guess I was just extra stubborn and the only way to change me was to break me. And the only way to get me to seek God or look to Him in every aspect of my life was to bring me to my knees.

    We all bleed and breathe, we all desire love. In my early 20's I was blind to that fact. If you were lousy toward me, expect a double dose back! Now... I believe it's a waste of time and I'd rather just pray for them. For most of us, there are defining moments in life when that light bulb lights up above our heads. There will always be nay-sayers, don't let them stop you if you know it's right. We need to keep pressing on, moving forward, in the right direction. Our attitude defines who we really are! I know my attitude needed some fine tuning, though for now I'm still tired and my body is hurting I certainly feel like I have a greater purpose to my life. I was broken so that God's light can shine through me better. It was painful being stripped spiritually naked but I'm grateful it happened.

    Keep pressing on friends, let your hearts be filled with love for those around you even if they don't treat you well. Pray for them instead. We've all walked a path none of us knows anything about, love on them rather than judge. I share this because I know at points and places in my life, I made these mistakes. Being broken isn't ugly, it's beautiful- God's light can shine through...

   

Just passing through...

     I keep seeing this meme going around- "not my circus, not my monkeys." I didn't really think it was all that funny but rather a reminder about my place here on this planet.

    "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: 'a servant is not greater than his master,' if they persecuted me, they will persecute you also." John 15:18-20

      I wanna pick this apart a little bit, really zoom in there if we can. "If the world hates you," let's start there... Why do they hate you? Are you a jerk or do they hate you because 'you take this Jesus thing too seriously?' Do you not share in all the world views? Do you follow along with Jesus when others think you've completely lost your mind?

    If you're a jerk, knock it off! Life is too short to project your misery onto everyone else. And whether you believe it or not, you'll have to take account for everything you've done. We all will. I know I don't want to stand at the judgement seat of God and have to give account for a bunch of miserable things with no other excuse than my own sad attempt at excusing myself. No excuse holds water as far as God is concerned. But there is one way to get pardoned, Jesus.

    So, you take the "Jesus thing" seriously... Fantastic! Jesus is far more real than your hand in front of you.

   It is an immediate response to retaliate when someone makes an offense against you, right? It crosses our minds even if we don't follow through. Jesus says forgive 70 times 7, essentially He says, keep forgiving and don't keep track.

    "As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world."
If you ever feel unspecial or unimportant, you're not. You were chosen, you are dearly loved by the God of the universe. He tells you in the Bible countless times! If you don't believe me, have a look for yourself. He also tells us not to worry about our lives here. I know that sounds hard to do because we do get a bit attached to things and people here but there is something far better than here. It is with Him in heaven. And He can tell you not to worry because He is assured of this place and you can be assured if only you trust and believe.

     "A servant is not greater than his master, if they persecuted me they will persecute you also."
I'd have to say this one is pretty obvious, we're not exempt just as Jesus was not exempt. The Pharisees and other religious leaders of that time were always seeking to kill Him. Jesus was always ducking out of crowds and seeking refuge in quiet far off places any chance He could get. He was in trouble. He was an outlaw for the right reasons.

   Are you an outlaw for the right reasons? Are you sought for advice and help? Is your insight requested?
   
       It's quite alright to stick out in a crowd, Jesus certainly did. It's alright to be an outcast, Jesus was. If you take up your cross daily and follow the Lord and you're met with ridicule by those who are of this world, you're in good company. The Bible tells us in Matthew 7:13-14, "Enter through the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate ans narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few will find it."

    "Few will find it," -Wow, few... You are one of few. Checking google today, there are 7.4 billion people in the world right now. So of those 7.4 billion, few will find the narrow path that leads to life, eternal life, that is. I want to be one of the few. I will follow Jesus even while everyone around me doesn't understand or laughs at me. I will follow Him, He's more real than this temporal place that I live in. He's more real that my "real life problems," He's also bigger than my "real life problems." My problems and troubles pale in comparison to the glory that is coming! Oh what a fine day it will be.

    I had it on my heart to share this message today, someone needed it, including me. It's a message I continually need to be reminded of myself, the world, the life, all seems to huge and so real sometimes. When really, we're only passing through. We've all got a set time here. We've all got a set list of goals to accomplish and lessons to teach others. One day it all will make sense, we're assured of this.

   
   

The purpose in life...

   Let me just preface this by saying, I love the book of Ecclesiastes... I think about the wisdom in just that book alone because I have a lot of time to think about life and what it's all about. I don't know many people who do enjoy reading it, if you don't interpret it correctly, it's the most depressing book ever! But I love it.

   So, we're going to go through and ponder some of the things that are brought forth to our attention and how it relates to now. Don't be shy, read on. And No I'm not gonna hit you over the head with a Bible either.

    "I have see all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 1;14
    Now what do you suppose that means? He digs in...

   "I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects; I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them...... I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecc 2:3-5, 9-11

    Wow, this guy had everything imaginable but still his ultimate revelation was- he wasn't happy and really, it was all still just meaningless.

    Have you ever been there? You thought to yourself that you had everything that you wanted (without even being greedy) this was it, this was all you needed? I think we all have. I know I have at one point or another. But then, something else came along, something else that would make the picture even more complete. It would be the icing on the cake- so they say. Let's say you achieved it, but there is always going to be something else.

   Have you ever wondered if everything that you do serves no purpose but to keep you entertained while you're here? We take everything so seriously, it seems. Except the right things. Think about that for a moment. Your car that you wax every weekend during the summer, do you buy your wife flowers every weekend too? Or the cell phones that never leave our sides, do we take such notice and care to regarding the food we put in our bodies?  I think you get my point, I hope so...

   I'm not standing on a soap box as I type this, I'm guilty on where my priorities are, I write these blogs more for me than for all of you. I'm just hoping to start some kind of a revolution here, one that's filled with love instead of hatred. I know the word love gets tossed around an awful lot but is it really love???

   What else does the teacher say in this book?

   "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God." Ecc 3:12-13

   Oh I love this book!
   ... set eternity in the hearts of men? Somewhere deep within us, we know this isn't it. I think to fill the void, the grasping and grabbing, we try to fill this "knowing" with everything imaginable other than God. Oh yeah... guilty. I used to love shopping, it made me happy for a little while, then I'd find something else that I wanted.

   "There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 'For whom am I toiling' he asked, 'And why and I depriving myself of enjoyment.'  -This too is meaningless- a miserable business." Ecc 4:8

  That's really sad, all that stuff and work put into it, with no one to share it with. Notice, the teacher says, 'miserable' here? It is miserable and lonely and meaningless!

   "Naked a man comes from the womb, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand." Ecc 5:15

    When you pass on, who gets your empire? Okay, so you have a beneficiary designated. Will they spend it wisely? Share the wealth while you're here, at least then you'll be obeying Gods commands AND you'll know where the good are going.

   "The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecc 7:18

   All extremes of what? (to paraphrase) perishing in righteousness, wickedness, overly righteous, foolishness...

   "Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every detail into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." Ecc 12:13-14

   Why these? These are some of my favorites from this book, outlining some of the key points made through out the book. What good is wealth with no one to share it with? Finding satisfaction in what we're doing, knowing that it's a blessing from God, not just luck or fate. We came here with nothing, we will leave with nothing... It's not depressing, it's just facts. Solomon, who was said to be the wisest man to have ever lived is the one known to have written this book. The entire book is packed with wisdom. Wisdom is what he was known for.

   Keep Gods commandments... Jesus came and had what is often referred to as the greatest commandment. It's found in Matthew 22:36-40

   "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Jesus replied; "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it; 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."

   If you're loving God with all you have and loving others, which often gives birth to enjoyment in what you do while you spend your days under the sun... This is the point of life then, isn't it? So If you've even wondered what the point to life is, this is it. The root of it is love, love God and love others.

   Hey, thanks for reading along with me. Read Ecclesiastes on your own if you wish, it really is a fantastic book. And it's not break neck long either.

   Love! It's all about love, the real kind. Not the manufactured garbage the world pumps out, love originates from God. We can love others because He loved us first.


 

Indie authors

I know I steal my time, writing... These 5 minutes have been stolen and I'll probably have to write this blog in bits and pieces.
I can't speak for every Indie writer but I can speak for myself.

       Someday's it amazes me what I have to do or go through just to sit down in front of the computer and write. Sometime's I have a baby slung over my shoulder or on my lap while I'm editing. Someday's getting a little work done is ten times harder than it should be. At times all I can think about is writing but I just can't quite get to it. It feels like two lovers kept from each other, dying to be together again.
   
     God be praised that my laptop hasn't actually collected dust in a while... That's a sad sight.
Why am I writing this blog today? I just want to tell you on behalf of myself and writers all over the place, Indie authors are wonderful... We're a band of fighting dreamers. Our time is had when the whole family is asleep at 3 am or in the 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there or while caring for their little ones. At least I know that's me... I don't have time carved out in the week but I do know that at some point, I'm going to steal it. I live in the land of cold left-overs and being on call 24 hours a day, I don't necessarily get breaks.

    When you purchase an Indie authors work, you purchase a dream they sent out into the world to share with you. You buy their late night; their tears, exhaustion and victory. We are a victorious bunch, really... We're not waiting for the someday or the maybe tomorrow... We've realized that there may not be a someday or a tomorrow. Do it today! My subconscious calls. Do it today! I have to do it today, someday may never come...

   As I've been writing this, 45 minutes have already lapsed... I was feeding my youngest a bottle while typing and eating a cold breakfast wrap. Life continues to trek on while my aspirations continue to come at me like waves of thought. I know that I write because I can't NOT write. It's a part of who I am. I know it's that way for others like me, it's like breathing.

   Self published and Indie authors aren't always writing just to make a buck. I know I'm not. Sure, it comes with the territory but that's not why I write and publish. I have stories to tell and I hope you enjoy them. They're a part of me... I hope they change you or impact your life someway or another. Or that you understand the lesson in them because there's always a lesson. It's probably one that I had to learn the hard way. I write about the things I know or things that are an inch away from my own personal experiences or topics that intrigue me. If I didn't writing would be flat and boring, there would be no heart in it. As a reader myself, you can tell when the heart is out of it. I'm not the best at my craft but I'm an expert in my stories because they're my dreams spilled out onto pages.

   I can't speak on behalf of the many but if you know any Indie authors share their stuff, write reviews for them. That's how we thrive. They're hard working individuals who are probably juggling multiple lives within their one life. They may be packing 36 hours worth of work into a 24 hour period. Thank you for reading this blog, it means a lot to me...

Have a blessed day!

Surrender...

        It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
       Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
      It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
     My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
     I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
     My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
    They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
    So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
    I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
     We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
     Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
     I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
     It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
     The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
      As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
     I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
    I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.