Reality is a strange thing... It isn't what we think it is either. There is a whole other alternate realm in which we move about, yet can't see. I know there are some twisted teachings on this, some more new age twisted ones. I know because I used to read the material and "practice" it. As always the enemy takes what is good and twists it.
There are things that we can't see that we're protected from, sometimes we find out what those things were and other times we don't. We are always in danger of some snare somewhere.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
There are things God protects us from and there are pitfalls we can avoid but being aware and by praying continually. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
It sounds complicated, praying all the time. I think of it as talking to Jesus all day long, even if what you're saying is what you would deem boring. It's a relationship in which you share everything, even your silly little trivial thoughts. He already knows what you're thinking, the obedience and gesture of friendship is in saying those things out loud.
Jesus can even help you make decisions. "Lord, is this your will? What do you want me to do in this circumstance?" The Holy spirit knows when it's time to speak and when it's time to keep your mouth shut. If I didn't heed the Holy Spirits prompting I would say all kinds of things that weren't helpful or of use to others. It's not hard, it just requires a bit of obedience on our parts. Talking to God all day is far more real than the chair your sitting in. God is eternal. This world is temporal. That sums it up. And if Jesus Christ is your Lord and savior and you're going to spend eternity with Him, don't you want to talk to Him everyday- all day long? I know I do! I get distracted. There are so many things to distract me away from what is most important. But that is also part of the enemy's plan too.
When you're feeling that ancient spirit of getting over whelmed- know that readjusting your gaze back to God will diminish it. Life says- do everything NOW. God says- in My timing. Our enemy comes only to steal and kill and destroy. (John 10;10) Talking to God will help you discern what needs to be attended to immediately and what doesn't. It's amazing the things that will distract us away from what matters more.
We also live in an age where being social means logging into our social media account. Which doesn't supplement real human contact but in some cases, we've allowed it to. We have successfully substituted real friendships for "only at my convenience" and "just give me a quick rundown." Does that really replace face to face communication? No! We are accepting cheap substitutes for real friendships. Is social media nice to keep in touch with people who don't live in the same country or state as you? Absolutely, yes. But if it's a legitimate friendship, you're not keeping tabs on one another just by your status update and choreographed pictures that are posted.
Our enemy is quite crafty when it comes to the allure of what he has in mind. Everything that he does offer is nothing but a cheap substitution. It's like paying Prada prices for a knock off bag where the stitches are all misaligned. That's not Prada.
I listened to a sermon yesterday that served as a good reminded for all friendships, not just marriages. There was one scripture that stood out to me the most- "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." Proverbs 17:17
Born for a time of adversity... Real family and friends are the ones that stick around. Real friends and family are the ones that bear your burdens with you so the weight of it isn't so heavy. Jesus was the ultimate weight bearer but we are designed to be in community with one another too. Do you step up when your friend is in need? Or just when it's merely convenient to be friends with them? The light and trivial stuff.
I've seen a recent outcry against fake friends and superficial relationships but where is the effort? Where is your effort? Are you putting in the time and the effort? Or are you happy to live in the superficial world that has been laid out before us? The one that will not stand the test of time. First and foremost our relationship with God needs to be in good order, constant communion with Him. Second, our family relationships and friendships will either fall into place to lay by the wayside. I know there comes this point of frustration where you've exhibited the effort necessary to sustain a relationship but the effort hasn't been reciprocated. What answer is there for that? Pray for them and forgive them. We all must live from a place of constant forgiveness. Many times the offense against us isn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
God is sovereign, if God is sovereign then our friendships are contingent upon who He allows in our life too. If a relationship is wildly out of balance as concerns effort maybe it's just a closed door and it's time to stop banging on it and walk away.
God is so good. His goodness is all around us if he are willing to be of sober mind and thank Him continually for His goodness. Don't settle for less than God's best in your life, that goes for everything that is available to us. Whether it's friends, things or places. There isn't anything that isn't from God that is worth having. You will always be left with a feeling of emptiness.
Have a blessed day friends.
Showing posts with label Pray. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pray. Show all posts
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Just passing through...
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: 'a servant is not greater than his master,' if they persecuted me, they will persecute you also." John 15:18-20
I wanna pick this apart a little bit, really zoom in there if we can. "If the world hates you," let's start there... Why do they hate you? Are you a jerk or do they hate you because 'you take this Jesus thing too seriously?' Do you not share in all the world views? Do you follow along with Jesus when others think you've completely lost your mind?
If you're a jerk, knock it off! Life is too short to project your misery onto everyone else. And whether you believe it or not, you'll have to take account for everything you've done. We all will. I know I don't want to stand at the judgement seat of God and have to give account for a bunch of miserable things with no other excuse than my own sad attempt at excusing myself. No excuse holds water as far as God is concerned. But there is one way to get pardoned, Jesus.
So, you take the "Jesus thing" seriously... Fantastic! Jesus is far more real than your hand in front of you.
It is an immediate response to retaliate when someone makes an offense against you, right? It crosses our minds even if we don't follow through. Jesus says forgive 70 times 7, essentially He says, keep forgiving and don't keep track.
"As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world."
If you ever feel unspecial or unimportant, you're not. You were chosen, you are dearly loved by the God of the universe. He tells you in the Bible countless times! If you don't believe me, have a look for yourself. He also tells us not to worry about our lives here. I know that sounds hard to do because we do get a bit attached to things and people here but there is something far better than here. It is with Him in heaven. And He can tell you not to worry because He is assured of this place and you can be assured if only you trust and believe.
"A servant is not greater than his master, if they persecuted me they will persecute you also."
I'd have to say this one is pretty obvious, we're not exempt just as Jesus was not exempt. The Pharisees and other religious leaders of that time were always seeking to kill Him. Jesus was always ducking out of crowds and seeking refuge in quiet far off places any chance He could get. He was in trouble. He was an outlaw for the right reasons.
Are you an outlaw for the right reasons? Are you sought for advice and help? Is your insight requested?
It's quite alright to stick out in a crowd, Jesus certainly did. It's alright to be an outcast, Jesus was. If you take up your cross daily and follow the Lord and you're met with ridicule by those who are of this world, you're in good company. The Bible tells us in Matthew 7:13-14, "Enter through the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate ans narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few will find it."
"Few will find it," -Wow, few... You are one of few. Checking google today, there are 7.4 billion people in the world right now. So of those 7.4 billion, few will find the narrow path that leads to life, eternal life, that is. I want to be one of the few. I will follow Jesus even while everyone around me doesn't understand or laughs at me. I will follow Him, He's more real than this temporal place that I live in. He's more real that my "real life problems," He's also bigger than my "real life problems." My problems and troubles pale in comparison to the glory that is coming! Oh what a fine day it will be.
I had it on my heart to share this message today, someone needed it, including me. It's a message I continually need to be reminded of myself, the world, the life, all seems to huge and so real sometimes. When really, we're only passing through. We've all got a set time here. We've all got a set list of goals to accomplish and lessons to teach others. One day it all will make sense, we're assured of this.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The purpose in life...
Let me just preface this by saying, I love the book of Ecclesiastes... I think about the wisdom in just that book alone because I have a lot of time to think about life and what it's all about. I don't know many people who do enjoy reading it, if you don't interpret it correctly, it's the most depressing book ever! But I love it.
So, we're going to go through and ponder some of the things that are brought forth to our attention and how it relates to now. Don't be shy, read on. And No I'm not gonna hit you over the head with a Bible either.
"I have see all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 1;14
Now what do you suppose that means? He digs in...
"I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects; I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them...... I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecc 2:3-5, 9-11
Wow, this guy had everything imaginable but still his ultimate revelation was- he wasn't happy and really, it was all still just meaningless.
Have you ever been there? You thought to yourself that you had everything that you wanted (without even being greedy) this was it, this was all you needed? I think we all have. I know I have at one point or another. But then, something else came along, something else that would make the picture even more complete. It would be the icing on the cake- so they say. Let's say you achieved it, but there is always going to be something else.
Have you ever wondered if everything that you do serves no purpose but to keep you entertained while you're here? We take everything so seriously, it seems. Except the right things. Think about that for a moment. Your car that you wax every weekend during the summer, do you buy your wife flowers every weekend too? Or the cell phones that never leave our sides, do we take such notice and care to regarding the food we put in our bodies? I think you get my point, I hope so...
I'm not standing on a soap box as I type this, I'm guilty on where my priorities are, I write these blogs more for me than for all of you. I'm just hoping to start some kind of a revolution here, one that's filled with love instead of hatred. I know the word love gets tossed around an awful lot but is it really love???
What else does the teacher say in this book?
"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God." Ecc 3:12-13
Oh I love this book!
... set eternity in the hearts of men? Somewhere deep within us, we know this isn't it. I think to fill the void, the grasping and grabbing, we try to fill this "knowing" with everything imaginable other than God. Oh yeah... guilty. I used to love shopping, it made me happy for a little while, then I'd find something else that I wanted.
"There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 'For whom am I toiling' he asked, 'And why and I depriving myself of enjoyment.' -This too is meaningless- a miserable business." Ecc 4:8
That's really sad, all that stuff and work put into it, with no one to share it with. Notice, the teacher says, 'miserable' here? It is miserable and lonely and meaningless!
"Naked a man comes from the womb, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand." Ecc 5:15
When you pass on, who gets your empire? Okay, so you have a beneficiary designated. Will they spend it wisely? Share the wealth while you're here, at least then you'll be obeying Gods commands AND you'll know where the good are going.
"The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecc 7:18
All extremes of what? (to paraphrase) perishing in righteousness, wickedness, overly righteous, foolishness...
"Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every detail into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." Ecc 12:13-14
Why these? These are some of my favorites from this book, outlining some of the key points made through out the book. What good is wealth with no one to share it with? Finding satisfaction in what we're doing, knowing that it's a blessing from God, not just luck or fate. We came here with nothing, we will leave with nothing... It's not depressing, it's just facts. Solomon, who was said to be the wisest man to have ever lived is the one known to have written this book. The entire book is packed with wisdom. Wisdom is what he was known for.
Keep Gods commandments... Jesus came and had what is often referred to as the greatest commandment. It's found in Matthew 22:36-40
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Jesus replied; "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it; 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."
If you're loving God with all you have and loving others, which often gives birth to enjoyment in what you do while you spend your days under the sun... This is the point of life then, isn't it? So If you've even wondered what the point to life is, this is it. The root of it is love, love God and love others.
Hey, thanks for reading along with me. Read Ecclesiastes on your own if you wish, it really is a fantastic book. And it's not break neck long either.
Love! It's all about love, the real kind. Not the manufactured garbage the world pumps out, love originates from God. We can love others because He loved us first.
So, we're going to go through and ponder some of the things that are brought forth to our attention and how it relates to now. Don't be shy, read on. And No I'm not gonna hit you over the head with a Bible either.
"I have see all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 1;14
Now what do you suppose that means? He digs in...
"I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects; I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them...... I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecc 2:3-5, 9-11
Wow, this guy had everything imaginable but still his ultimate revelation was- he wasn't happy and really, it was all still just meaningless.
Have you ever been there? You thought to yourself that you had everything that you wanted (without even being greedy) this was it, this was all you needed? I think we all have. I know I have at one point or another. But then, something else came along, something else that would make the picture even more complete. It would be the icing on the cake- so they say. Let's say you achieved it, but there is always going to be something else.
Have you ever wondered if everything that you do serves no purpose but to keep you entertained while you're here? We take everything so seriously, it seems. Except the right things. Think about that for a moment. Your car that you wax every weekend during the summer, do you buy your wife flowers every weekend too? Or the cell phones that never leave our sides, do we take such notice and care to regarding the food we put in our bodies? I think you get my point, I hope so...
I'm not standing on a soap box as I type this, I'm guilty on where my priorities are, I write these blogs more for me than for all of you. I'm just hoping to start some kind of a revolution here, one that's filled with love instead of hatred. I know the word love gets tossed around an awful lot but is it really love???
What else does the teacher say in this book?
"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God." Ecc 3:12-13
Oh I love this book!
... set eternity in the hearts of men? Somewhere deep within us, we know this isn't it. I think to fill the void, the grasping and grabbing, we try to fill this "knowing" with everything imaginable other than God. Oh yeah... guilty. I used to love shopping, it made me happy for a little while, then I'd find something else that I wanted.
"There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 'For whom am I toiling' he asked, 'And why and I depriving myself of enjoyment.' -This too is meaningless- a miserable business." Ecc 4:8
That's really sad, all that stuff and work put into it, with no one to share it with. Notice, the teacher says, 'miserable' here? It is miserable and lonely and meaningless!
"Naked a man comes from the womb, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand." Ecc 5:15
When you pass on, who gets your empire? Okay, so you have a beneficiary designated. Will they spend it wisely? Share the wealth while you're here, at least then you'll be obeying Gods commands AND you'll know where the good are going.
"The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecc 7:18
All extremes of what? (to paraphrase) perishing in righteousness, wickedness, overly righteous, foolishness...
"Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every detail into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." Ecc 12:13-14
Why these? These are some of my favorites from this book, outlining some of the key points made through out the book. What good is wealth with no one to share it with? Finding satisfaction in what we're doing, knowing that it's a blessing from God, not just luck or fate. We came here with nothing, we will leave with nothing... It's not depressing, it's just facts. Solomon, who was said to be the wisest man to have ever lived is the one known to have written this book. The entire book is packed with wisdom. Wisdom is what he was known for.
Keep Gods commandments... Jesus came and had what is often referred to as the greatest commandment. It's found in Matthew 22:36-40
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Jesus replied; "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it; 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."
If you're loving God with all you have and loving others, which often gives birth to enjoyment in what you do while you spend your days under the sun... This is the point of life then, isn't it? So If you've even wondered what the point to life is, this is it. The root of it is love, love God and love others.
Hey, thanks for reading along with me. Read Ecclesiastes on your own if you wish, it really is a fantastic book. And it's not break neck long either.
Love! It's all about love, the real kind. Not the manufactured garbage the world pumps out, love originates from God. We can love others because He loved us first.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Partial Trisomy 9 & 12
It was exciting being pregnant. It seems like it takes an eternity to meet your new baby but it is well worth the wait. Even the labor is worth it, in hind sight of course. While in the midst of it you can think of a hundred things you would rather be doing, that are probably a lot more fun. Bringing Lily into the world was especially painful. Pain I can't even begin to describe. Thinking back on it now I am shocked I even made it through that...
She didn't cry when she was born. The whole room fell silent except for a few suspicious whispers. After what felt like forever a very raspy cry rang throughout the room. What a relief, we couldn't help but cry too. She was nearly as blue as a summer sky. They wrapped her up in blankets and laid her on my chest. Oh what a beautiful little blessing she was. Our little angel, we finally got to meet her...
The doctor and nurses were clued in by a few of Lily's abnormalities right away. Her little pinkies and pointer fingers didn't look right, they were turned in. Both of her feet were different. Also they later told me her hip was hyper-extended upon birth too. They gave her oxygen upon coming out and has to resuscitate her to some degree too. All of this I found out later, rather than while it was going on. Her blood sugar was low too. They took her to the NICU unit. Our first meeting was brief which made me feel very worried and sad.
I didn't get around to going and visiting her until nearly 9 in the morning. She had been born at 4:30 am. I held her close and prayed over her, no one had answers as to why she needed to be under extra special care. My husband had been able to go and be with her for a while and so did my mom. Now I finally got to hold the little baby that I had been carrying in my belly for 9 months. And even though there was something "wrong" with her, she was all together perfect to me. She was beautiful!
The doctors ran various tests on her, they sent out for genetics testing; did x-rays, ultrasounds, blood work. I had prayed that her "abnormalities" her because of how she was positioned in my belly. As the test results continued to come back normal, we were grateful but still miffed as to why the great concern. In the meantime, Lily continued to need sugar water in an IV. Then she spiked a temperature out of no where. So they put her on antibiotics, they also tested her for meningitis and ran more blood work. The thought of them tapping into her spine with a needle made me shutter. She was only a few days old when I was able to go home.
We were all too eager to go home. It was difficult for us to be in the hospital where our privacy was completely compromised. We had no down time to try and sort through how we were feeling. Lily's future felt so up in the air and so did ours. We packed up our things, knowing that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home. It didn't hit me until I was sitting in my wheel chair waiting for my husband to pull the car around. I lost it. I had a diaper bag. Greeting cards that said congratulations, a couple of balloons, the infant seat was in the car. But we had no baby. I had seen other mothers in the elevator leave with their new baby and even congratulated them. I meant it too... Here it was our time to go home and we had no baby. Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that latched onto me and hugged me until my husband came around with the car. I was a sobbing mess. How could I not see this coming? -That I would handle this so badly. That was one of the emptiest feelings I can ever recall having in my life.
We needed rest. We rested when we could. We spent a lot of time up at the hospital. I couldn't imagine not spending time with Lily. We fed her bottles. We bathed her. We changed diapers. We listened to music and read to her. By her 5th day in the hospital she wasn't able to keep enough oxygen in her blood, so it was decided that she needed some oxygen. The put a canula on her. Yet another blow to the hope that we had that she was going to come home with us soon. They were able to get her off the sugar water, so her IV was removed but now we had a new cord to contend with, the oxygen line. She also had a bout with jaundice. Up until this point we had tried to keep as light hearted as possible. While she was on the billi blanket we had said that she looked like a glow worm. She was terribly cute...
Its now sunday, 6 days in the hospital. We got a phone call wondering what time we were going to be in to see Lily. When we got to the hospital, the resident doctor had wanted to talk with us before he left. So, my husband and I, the doctor, and two nurses went into the family room. Doc was holding a few pieces of paper in his hand. I think my husband and I knew this was it. We were going to get answers today. Lily's genetic testing had come back. The doctor explained everything as thoroughly as possible, at least what he knew about it. Lily was diagnosed with Trisomy 9 partial, a very rare chromosome abnormality. When we got the news it felt like more of a death sentence than anything else. There was no inflection of hope in most of the words that followed. I felt myself go into shock. I felt like i was in the midst of a nightmare, I wanted to wake up so badly but this was it, this was our new reality. The only thing that came to mind at the moment, was what are we supposed to do, as her parents. So I asked the doctor. his reply made a world of a difference to both of us, "just love her" was all he said. That was all he needed to say.
They left us to sort through our feelings for a few minutes. My husband, being the loving man that he is, began to research immediately. He wanted to know what we had on our hands. The internet had information but given the exact mixture or my genes and my husbands genes there is no way to tell how Lily will do. Even now, we just don't know. That Sunday night I went back to the hospital alone to be with Lily. I needed to. My husband needed sometime alone to work through what he was feeling too.
I got to the hospital and washed my hands, I could see she was sleeping. I just wanted to hold her. The nurse and I moved the recliner over to her area so I could recline with her zipped into my hoodie as I had already done so many times before. I tucked her in, laid my head back and prayed. I prayed silently and I prayed out loud. I told God I knew that she was His before she was mine and that I'd like for her to stay with us here on earth if it was His will. But also that if it was't His will for her to stay that I knew He would get us through it. I could feel the tears streaming down my face again, silently. Even though everything about her birth was un usual and difficult, I still had a peace when I was with her. There was something about holding her near to my heart that seemed to make the noise in the world just disappear. The diagnosis disappeared. The sadness; the fear, the anguish I was feeling inside. I felt like my heart was ripped out that day but when I was with Lily, holding her, it went away, at least for a little while. Even though I had been crying, I still wanted the nurse to take a picture of us together. I wanted any moment I had with her caught on camera because we just didn't know. We didn't know if she was going to pull through this. The outlook looked so grim and no one was giving us any reason to believe otherwise. Except for Lily herself.
I felt better about everything after that night. I felt like I had to lay her at the foot of the cross once more to even have the hope of being able to keep her. Many days since that wonderful doctor said "just love her," that has been the words that my heart has uttered too. Lily spent a total of 10 days in the NICU. She had some fantastic nurses that looked after her and cared for her. I am thoroughly convinced they are God's ordained bunch to do what they do. There were a couple that especially touched our heart. Bringing Lily home was no small feat. I had to re-learn CPR. We stayed over night in the hospital again with her to see how we handled her being on oxygen and a pulse ox monitor. It didn't go that well. I slept for maybe a total of 20 minutes all night.My husband didn't sleep much more than I did either. Nervous I guess.
I was terrified at the idea of bringing her home on oxygen but there was no other reason that she need to be in the hospital at this point. We had a long list of follow up appointments to schedule. We had a list of instructions and phone numbers. We really had everything that we needed to care for her at home. Lily had been losing weight and not gaining it back in the hospital, even being on a higher calorie formula. We were also faced with the threat of failure to thrive. My husband and I were convinced we could turn that around upon bringing her home.
It had been painful looking upon her in the hospital hooked up to all of these machines and oxygen and and IV. We felt helpless. We were frustrated and angry even. I just couldn't wrap my head around why a new little person could be so broken. When you purchase something at the store, it's new. It's in the best shape it's going to be in- ever. I can't tell you why this happened to us or why it happens to anyone. It was something that was completely out of our hands. It was something that happened the moment Lily's cells began to divide. There was nothing we could do that could have impacted the outcome. Now, there is so much that we can do to make a difference in the outcome. Not one of us knows how long we're going to be here but we can surely make the best of what time we have. I could choose to live my life angry that this ever happened in the first place. That anger would spill over into my family and the amazing privilege I have in taking care of them. Was this what I would have planned for my life? No... I don't think anyone would. Am I grateful now? Some days are easier than others. I am immensely grateful for Lily, I wouldn't trade her for a different child. She is an absolute miracle and wonder to us. There are a few things I do know. My husband and I were chosen to care for Lily. I will take that as a high honor to be able to care for such an amazing and special little girl like her. The other thing I know is that we have today... Today we are together, today she is alive and thriving. She has already over come so many obstacles. She is already a medical mystery and I pray she continues to blow doctor's away with her progress.
Jesus said that we will have struggles and trouble in this life. He wasn't kidding. I do know that if it weren't for Him and the strength we find in Him we wouldn't make it through most days. He also said not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow already has enough worry of its own. So, we must make a conscious effort to stay in today.
She didn't cry when she was born. The whole room fell silent except for a few suspicious whispers. After what felt like forever a very raspy cry rang throughout the room. What a relief, we couldn't help but cry too. She was nearly as blue as a summer sky. They wrapped her up in blankets and laid her on my chest. Oh what a beautiful little blessing she was. Our little angel, we finally got to meet her...
The doctor and nurses were clued in by a few of Lily's abnormalities right away. Her little pinkies and pointer fingers didn't look right, they were turned in. Both of her feet were different. Also they later told me her hip was hyper-extended upon birth too. They gave her oxygen upon coming out and has to resuscitate her to some degree too. All of this I found out later, rather than while it was going on. Her blood sugar was low too. They took her to the NICU unit. Our first meeting was brief which made me feel very worried and sad.
I didn't get around to going and visiting her until nearly 9 in the morning. She had been born at 4:30 am. I held her close and prayed over her, no one had answers as to why she needed to be under extra special care. My husband had been able to go and be with her for a while and so did my mom. Now I finally got to hold the little baby that I had been carrying in my belly for 9 months. And even though there was something "wrong" with her, she was all together perfect to me. She was beautiful!
The doctors ran various tests on her, they sent out for genetics testing; did x-rays, ultrasounds, blood work. I had prayed that her "abnormalities" her because of how she was positioned in my belly. As the test results continued to come back normal, we were grateful but still miffed as to why the great concern. In the meantime, Lily continued to need sugar water in an IV. Then she spiked a temperature out of no where. So they put her on antibiotics, they also tested her for meningitis and ran more blood work. The thought of them tapping into her spine with a needle made me shutter. She was only a few days old when I was able to go home.
We were all too eager to go home. It was difficult for us to be in the hospital where our privacy was completely compromised. We had no down time to try and sort through how we were feeling. Lily's future felt so up in the air and so did ours. We packed up our things, knowing that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home. It didn't hit me until I was sitting in my wheel chair waiting for my husband to pull the car around. I lost it. I had a diaper bag. Greeting cards that said congratulations, a couple of balloons, the infant seat was in the car. But we had no baby. I had seen other mothers in the elevator leave with their new baby and even congratulated them. I meant it too... Here it was our time to go home and we had no baby. Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that latched onto me and hugged me until my husband came around with the car. I was a sobbing mess. How could I not see this coming? -That I would handle this so badly. That was one of the emptiest feelings I can ever recall having in my life.
We needed rest. We rested when we could. We spent a lot of time up at the hospital. I couldn't imagine not spending time with Lily. We fed her bottles. We bathed her. We changed diapers. We listened to music and read to her. By her 5th day in the hospital she wasn't able to keep enough oxygen in her blood, so it was decided that she needed some oxygen. The put a canula on her. Yet another blow to the hope that we had that she was going to come home with us soon. They were able to get her off the sugar water, so her IV was removed but now we had a new cord to contend with, the oxygen line. She also had a bout with jaundice. Up until this point we had tried to keep as light hearted as possible. While she was on the billi blanket we had said that she looked like a glow worm. She was terribly cute...
Its now sunday, 6 days in the hospital. We got a phone call wondering what time we were going to be in to see Lily. When we got to the hospital, the resident doctor had wanted to talk with us before he left. So, my husband and I, the doctor, and two nurses went into the family room. Doc was holding a few pieces of paper in his hand. I think my husband and I knew this was it. We were going to get answers today. Lily's genetic testing had come back. The doctor explained everything as thoroughly as possible, at least what he knew about it. Lily was diagnosed with Trisomy 9 partial, a very rare chromosome abnormality. When we got the news it felt like more of a death sentence than anything else. There was no inflection of hope in most of the words that followed. I felt myself go into shock. I felt like i was in the midst of a nightmare, I wanted to wake up so badly but this was it, this was our new reality. The only thing that came to mind at the moment, was what are we supposed to do, as her parents. So I asked the doctor. his reply made a world of a difference to both of us, "just love her" was all he said. That was all he needed to say.
They left us to sort through our feelings for a few minutes. My husband, being the loving man that he is, began to research immediately. He wanted to know what we had on our hands. The internet had information but given the exact mixture or my genes and my husbands genes there is no way to tell how Lily will do. Even now, we just don't know. That Sunday night I went back to the hospital alone to be with Lily. I needed to. My husband needed sometime alone to work through what he was feeling too.
I got to the hospital and washed my hands, I could see she was sleeping. I just wanted to hold her. The nurse and I moved the recliner over to her area so I could recline with her zipped into my hoodie as I had already done so many times before. I tucked her in, laid my head back and prayed. I prayed silently and I prayed out loud. I told God I knew that she was His before she was mine and that I'd like for her to stay with us here on earth if it was His will. But also that if it was't His will for her to stay that I knew He would get us through it. I could feel the tears streaming down my face again, silently. Even though everything about her birth was un usual and difficult, I still had a peace when I was with her. There was something about holding her near to my heart that seemed to make the noise in the world just disappear. The diagnosis disappeared. The sadness; the fear, the anguish I was feeling inside. I felt like my heart was ripped out that day but when I was with Lily, holding her, it went away, at least for a little while. Even though I had been crying, I still wanted the nurse to take a picture of us together. I wanted any moment I had with her caught on camera because we just didn't know. We didn't know if she was going to pull through this. The outlook looked so grim and no one was giving us any reason to believe otherwise. Except for Lily herself.
I felt better about everything after that night. I felt like I had to lay her at the foot of the cross once more to even have the hope of being able to keep her. Many days since that wonderful doctor said "just love her," that has been the words that my heart has uttered too. Lily spent a total of 10 days in the NICU. She had some fantastic nurses that looked after her and cared for her. I am thoroughly convinced they are God's ordained bunch to do what they do. There were a couple that especially touched our heart. Bringing Lily home was no small feat. I had to re-learn CPR. We stayed over night in the hospital again with her to see how we handled her being on oxygen and a pulse ox monitor. It didn't go that well. I slept for maybe a total of 20 minutes all night.My husband didn't sleep much more than I did either. Nervous I guess.
I was terrified at the idea of bringing her home on oxygen but there was no other reason that she need to be in the hospital at this point. We had a long list of follow up appointments to schedule. We had a list of instructions and phone numbers. We really had everything that we needed to care for her at home. Lily had been losing weight and not gaining it back in the hospital, even being on a higher calorie formula. We were also faced with the threat of failure to thrive. My husband and I were convinced we could turn that around upon bringing her home.
It had been painful looking upon her in the hospital hooked up to all of these machines and oxygen and and IV. We felt helpless. We were frustrated and angry even. I just couldn't wrap my head around why a new little person could be so broken. When you purchase something at the store, it's new. It's in the best shape it's going to be in- ever. I can't tell you why this happened to us or why it happens to anyone. It was something that was completely out of our hands. It was something that happened the moment Lily's cells began to divide. There was nothing we could do that could have impacted the outcome. Now, there is so much that we can do to make a difference in the outcome. Not one of us knows how long we're going to be here but we can surely make the best of what time we have. I could choose to live my life angry that this ever happened in the first place. That anger would spill over into my family and the amazing privilege I have in taking care of them. Was this what I would have planned for my life? No... I don't think anyone would. Am I grateful now? Some days are easier than others. I am immensely grateful for Lily, I wouldn't trade her for a different child. She is an absolute miracle and wonder to us. There are a few things I do know. My husband and I were chosen to care for Lily. I will take that as a high honor to be able to care for such an amazing and special little girl like her. The other thing I know is that we have today... Today we are together, today she is alive and thriving. She has already over come so many obstacles. She is already a medical mystery and I pray she continues to blow doctor's away with her progress.
Jesus said that we will have struggles and trouble in this life. He wasn't kidding. I do know that if it weren't for Him and the strength we find in Him we wouldn't make it through most days. He also said not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow already has enough worry of its own. So, we must make a conscious effort to stay in today.
Monday, December 5, 2011
My home on earth
When I woke this morning, I looked outside to find it's snowing! Typical thing this time of year, but it's the first. I sat for a few moments and watched all the individual and unique snowflakes fall to the ground. Some melting upon contact to the patio and others collecting in bunches with the others in the grass.
The sight of the snow takes me back. Back to when I was a kid again, staring up at the sky watching as every flake threatened to land on my face. Mouth wide open, arms extended and smiling. It was always the best going back into the house, getting out of my snow attire and looking into our yard to see my accomplishments for the day. The snowman; the fort, the wall to hide behind. Even the track the dog's feet had worn into the snow around his run chain. And if you have a dog, of course you know about yellow snow :(
But the greatest thing of it all is that when I had enough of the cold, I could always go back into the house and get warm. Sometimes I would even fix myself a cup of hot cocoa or hot apple cider. Now, I only drink hot tea. I couldn't imagine not having a home, could you?
Not long ago, I was in a place where I had a roof over my head, though it wasn't my own, I still had warmth to come home to. The living situation was getting to be increasingly difficult and at times I felt unsafe.
I prayed... I prayed for my Father to get me out of that situation because I knew it wasn't conducive to living a more Righteous lifestyle. I prayed He would place me where ever He wanted me. And He did. I awoke one morning unafraid of the delusions I had developed about taking the chance of failing. I made one stop somewhere, she made a phone call and I waited a couple days... After the couple days had passed, I got probably one of the happiest phone calls I had gotten in a long while; "congratulations! When do you want to move in?"
I cried as soon as I hung up the phone. My Father heard my prayers. I cried and prayed to Him so many nights and because I was at the end of my rope and wasn't fighting Him anymore He responded- big.
I often refer to our place as our humble home or His house. Because it is. Without His gentle persuasion who knows where I'd be. Without faith I would have stayed in the hamster wheel of fear and doubt and grieving.
I guess I am bringing up two points here. One, you MUST stay faithful in prayer and in deed. And stop fighting Him, He wants to bring good things into your life. And once you let go and let God, He will.
Point two, be grateful for the home that you have. Unless of course you are in danger, then you must act. Faith requires action. There are too many people out there who don't have a home. They aren't outside "playing" in the snow... They may have no other choice but to live it out until spring breaks.
What can we do? How far can our arms reach? How can we get involved to do some sort of outreach? And honestly too, from the out pour of our hearts! Whether it be through our Church communities or you spending a saturday helping those less fortunate than yourself. How can you? Pray about it.
I find joy in scrubbing my toilet and cleaning and cooking and doing the laundry. I find joy in the little things that some people are only inconvenienced by. I love it! My Father placed me in this home, His home. He wanted me safe. He wanted me warm. I stopped fighting Him on something in my heart I wanted so badly. But at the time I just didn't know how to receive it. I let go.
Let me leave you with two pieces of scripture,
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
- And if we are truly to be more Christ-like (being His followers)
"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, Mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10: 17-18
I pray we can make the changes in the ways we have only talked about doing so. I pray we can do the things we have merely aspired to do or commended someone else for doing. I pray we can be give thanks and praise to our Father who looks out for us and provides when we really don't deserve it. We don't "deserve" anything! It's all His anyway, we've just got it on loan.
God bless!
The sight of the snow takes me back. Back to when I was a kid again, staring up at the sky watching as every flake threatened to land on my face. Mouth wide open, arms extended and smiling. It was always the best going back into the house, getting out of my snow attire and looking into our yard to see my accomplishments for the day. The snowman; the fort, the wall to hide behind. Even the track the dog's feet had worn into the snow around his run chain. And if you have a dog, of course you know about yellow snow :(
But the greatest thing of it all is that when I had enough of the cold, I could always go back into the house and get warm. Sometimes I would even fix myself a cup of hot cocoa or hot apple cider. Now, I only drink hot tea. I couldn't imagine not having a home, could you?
Not long ago, I was in a place where I had a roof over my head, though it wasn't my own, I still had warmth to come home to. The living situation was getting to be increasingly difficult and at times I felt unsafe.
I prayed... I prayed for my Father to get me out of that situation because I knew it wasn't conducive to living a more Righteous lifestyle. I prayed He would place me where ever He wanted me. And He did. I awoke one morning unafraid of the delusions I had developed about taking the chance of failing. I made one stop somewhere, she made a phone call and I waited a couple days... After the couple days had passed, I got probably one of the happiest phone calls I had gotten in a long while; "congratulations! When do you want to move in?"
I cried as soon as I hung up the phone. My Father heard my prayers. I cried and prayed to Him so many nights and because I was at the end of my rope and wasn't fighting Him anymore He responded- big.
I often refer to our place as our humble home or His house. Because it is. Without His gentle persuasion who knows where I'd be. Without faith I would have stayed in the hamster wheel of fear and doubt and grieving.
I guess I am bringing up two points here. One, you MUST stay faithful in prayer and in deed. And stop fighting Him, He wants to bring good things into your life. And once you let go and let God, He will.
Point two, be grateful for the home that you have. Unless of course you are in danger, then you must act. Faith requires action. There are too many people out there who don't have a home. They aren't outside "playing" in the snow... They may have no other choice but to live it out until spring breaks.
What can we do? How far can our arms reach? How can we get involved to do some sort of outreach? And honestly too, from the out pour of our hearts! Whether it be through our Church communities or you spending a saturday helping those less fortunate than yourself. How can you? Pray about it.
I find joy in scrubbing my toilet and cleaning and cooking and doing the laundry. I find joy in the little things that some people are only inconvenienced by. I love it! My Father placed me in this home, His home. He wanted me safe. He wanted me warm. I stopped fighting Him on something in my heart I wanted so badly. But at the time I just didn't know how to receive it. I let go.
Let me leave you with two pieces of scripture,
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
- And if we are truly to be more Christ-like (being His followers)
"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, Mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10: 17-18
I pray we can make the changes in the ways we have only talked about doing so. I pray we can do the things we have merely aspired to do or commended someone else for doing. I pray we can be give thanks and praise to our Father who looks out for us and provides when we really don't deserve it. We don't "deserve" anything! It's all His anyway, we've just got it on loan.
God bless!
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