The American Farmacy part 2

    I had committed to posting an update whether anyone wanted to read it or not, so just deal with it... haha. Kidding, kidding. You guys know I'm not that mean.

    So after two weeks of eating Vegan, I'm beginning to feel better. I think I've actually been detoxing from what little dairy I had left in my diet. And I think my body was a little confused when I started giving it non-animal protein too. No ill effects though, so that's been fantastic.
   
    I immediately noticed a change in my energy level, I don't seem to hit that 2:30 in the afternoon lull where I just want to pass out. I also used to hit another wall around 8pm where I was just done but of course, having little ones- that isn't possible. Any of you who have read past blogs, you would know I have a pretty demanding lifestyle, even though I don't go many places- at least not lately. I have a 3 1/2 month old and a special needs 2 year old. I need a desperate amount of energy.

   I embarked on this journey not only for myself but also for them. I wanted to revolutionize the way my family sees food and the way we eat it. I wanted to replace the pharmacy with a farmacy. Our food being our medicine. So far, after all I've read and applying it to myself I think it's going to work out just fine.

  I'd been riddled with stomach problems since I was 8 years old, I understand now more than ever why. It's been the food I was eating. We just don't seem to be designed to eat meat, granted, it seems a lot of us have adapted to it though. Since I've switched to an all plant based diet, which is a life style change, rather than a diet (I don't do diets) I haven't had acid reflux even once. And without trying I've lost 6 pounds.

    This week, I've decided I'm going to try at least 2 new vegetables and continue to do so as the weeks pass. I was never much for veggies unless they were soaked in cheese when I was younger. But now that I've been eating them consistently, I actually want more of them. I've gone back to eating nut mixes and seeds again, which I enjoy. They're a good source of protein, calcium and good fats.

   One day, hopefully sooner than later, we'll have a large yard where the majority of it will be a garden. It's something I'm looking forward to. For now, my little patio garden will have to do, alongside the local organic food store.

   I feel blessed to have stumbled upon this new lifestyle, I had never intended on going vegan but I'm glad that I did. Based on what I've seen, read and watched, things can only get better from here on out. My next step is more exercise, yoga is working for me for right now but I know I need to get out there and just move more.

    My life has literally been on lock down for the last 3 years between 2 pregnancies and taking care of one special needs baby and now a new born. Whew... It's exhausting just thinking about it... But I'm gonna do it and we're gonna do it together. My little guy is getting bigger and seemingly more social. My two year old really likes getting out of the house but sometimes has complete melt downs. Guess it comes with the territory, so there will be some planning involved. Most of all, I'm just determined.

The American Farmacy

   I might make some folks mad with this one but we're the only ones to blame for relinquishing any sense of control.
   I embarked on a journey 7 years ago getting into natural health and pursuing a degree. It was sadly cut short when the school closed for lack of funding. Since then I've carried on my search, personally and have turned up a plethora of interesting results.
  I still have my own personal struggles in this area but any of you that know my heart, I enjoy sharing while I'm learning too. But this... I have to share and I have to jump head long into.
  It takes your body 10 years to completely rebuild itself, it was designed that way by God. Your brain; a year, bones 3 months, blood 4 months, skin 1 month, DNA 2 months, you liver 6 weeks, stomach 5 days and lungs 2-3 weeks. Not everything would be as new again but it would begin rebuilding healthy cells, once toxins are removed.
   What are these toxins? Additives in the food; smoking, drinking, drug usage, environmental toxins, poor diet, poor sleep and a lack of exercise. Depending on where you grew up some of these things may not be a problem for you. It's never too late to make a change now if you struggle with any of these.
  Haven't you wanted to feel good? Be full of energy? Take a deep breath of cleaner air? I know I sure do that's why it's time for yet another round of dropping off the dead weight. Thankfully, my husband is on board.
   I've had a sugar craze since I was a kid. I blame it mostly on poor habits when I was younger and the goodies weren't stored somewhere I couldn't get to them. So I ate as I pleased. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I developed gestational diabetes, meaning it would go away after she was born. It did. But it also puts me in the risk for diabetes later in life, that sucks.
   As Americans we consume 150-170 pounds of sugar a year, sugar is in everything, hidden and tucked away under clever names. In the 1800's the average sugar consumption was around 18 pounds a year and in the 1900's it jumped to 60 pounds. As time has ticked on sugar consumption has risen and so has sickness and disease. This is no coincidence.
   Our meals are conveniently packaged for us or delivered through a drive through window- for our convenience, of course. All the while we're getting sicker and sicker eating our way to a less healthy and less convenient life style.
   We also eat way too much meat in this country. Don't get me wrong, I love my chicken and pig products and I used to love cow until my body completely rejected it. Sadly, we just weren't made to eat all this meat. But where will be get protein??? Google it! Leafy greens and legumes, even nuts have plenty of protein. It isn't absolutely vital to our survival to scarf down meat.
   We've been spoon fed so many lies about the food we consume and the drugs that we take it's baffling. Few have been willing to question it. But why? Why have we become a country that seeks control over everything except our own bodies? Because we're told we have to do this or that. Or take this or that because if you don't you'll die? That's insane!
   The way I'm beginning to see it, it's very black and white, very obvious. It leads me back to a story in the Bible where Daniel challenged the king to allow him and his men to eat their own diet. The other men remained on the king's apportioned diet, comprised of meat and other things. After several days Daniel and his men appeared to be healthier and stronger than the king's men.
   That says something to me. It's Biblical to eat more fruits and veggies. God made them. You can purchase them organic and non-GMO now. I'm not even going to rip into GMO at this point, this post would be miles long.
   I'm going to challenge myself from here on out to do something better for myself. I don't expect you to dear reader but please do at least consider. Do some research yourself, you'd be foolish not to. There are several good documentaries out there to watch too, I'll list them at the bottom. My challenge, to incorporate as many fruits and veggies into my diet as humanly possible. And eventually, I'd like to be all fruits, veggies and grain. It's going to take some skillfulness in the kitchen as my sweet tooth doesn't think it sounds appetizing but I sure want to wake up feeling recharged and ready for the day. After 3 kids and getting sleep when we can (It's slowly getting better) I wake up in the morning foggy eyed and in dire need of caffeine to function. As much as I enjoy my caffeine, I know there will be a day when I will no longer need it because my body will be functioning as it should.
   If anyone is honestly inspired by this post leave a comment and I'll post updates on my blogspot. But for now (deep breath) wish me luck!



Documentaries:
Fork over knife
Food Inc.
Vegucated
Food matters
Supersize me
Hungry for change

Surrender...

        It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
       Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
      It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
     My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
     I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
     My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
    They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
    So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
    I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
     We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
     Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
     I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
     It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
     The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
      As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
     I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
    I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.

Partial Trisomy 9 & 12

       It was exciting being pregnant. It seems like it takes an eternity to meet your new baby but it is well worth the wait. Even the labor is worth it, in hind sight of course. While in the midst of it you can think of a hundred things you would rather be doing, that are probably a lot more fun. Bringing Lily into the world was especially painful. Pain I can't even begin to describe. Thinking back on it now I am shocked I even made it through that...
 
        She didn't cry when she was born. The whole room fell silent except for a few suspicious whispers. After what felt like forever a very raspy cry rang throughout the room. What a relief, we couldn't help but cry too. She was nearly as blue as a summer sky. They wrapped her up in blankets and laid her on my chest. Oh what a beautiful little blessing she was. Our little angel, we finally got to meet her...
   
       The doctor and nurses were clued in by a few of Lily's abnormalities right away. Her little pinkies and pointer fingers didn't look right, they were turned in. Both of her feet were different. Also they later told me her hip was hyper-extended upon birth too. They gave her oxygen upon coming out and has to resuscitate her to some degree too. All of this I found out later, rather than while it was going on. Her blood sugar was low too. They took her to the NICU unit. Our first meeting was brief which made me feel very worried and sad.
      I didn't get around to going and visiting her until nearly 9 in the morning. She had been born at 4:30 am. I held her close and prayed over her, no one had answers as to why she needed to be under extra special care. My husband had been able to go and be with her for a while and so did my mom. Now I finally got to hold the little baby that I had been carrying in my belly for 9 months. And even though there was something "wrong" with her, she was all together perfect to me. She was beautiful!
   
         The doctors ran various tests on her, they sent out for genetics testing; did x-rays, ultrasounds, blood work. I had prayed that her "abnormalities" her because of how she was positioned in my belly. As the test results continued to come back normal, we were grateful but still miffed as to why the great concern. In the meantime, Lily continued to need sugar water in an IV. Then she spiked a temperature out of no where. So they put her on antibiotics, they also tested her for meningitis and ran more blood work. The thought of them tapping into her spine with a needle made me shutter. She was only a few days old when I was able to go home.
   
        We were all too eager to go home. It was difficult for us to be in the hospital where our privacy was completely compromised. We had no down time to try and sort through how we were feeling. Lily's future felt so up in the air and so did ours. We packed up our things, knowing that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home. It didn't hit me until I was sitting in my wheel chair waiting for my husband to pull the car around. I lost it. I had a diaper bag. Greeting cards that said congratulations, a couple of balloons, the infant seat was in the car. But we had no baby. I had seen other mothers in the elevator leave with their new baby and even congratulated them. I meant it too... Here it was our time to go home and we had no baby. Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that latched onto me and hugged me until my husband came around with the car. I was a sobbing mess. How could I not see this coming? -That I would handle this so badly. That was one of the emptiest feelings I can ever recall having in my life.
   
        We needed rest. We rested when we could. We spent a lot of time up at the hospital. I couldn't imagine not spending time with Lily. We fed her bottles. We bathed her. We changed diapers. We listened to music and read to her. By her 5th day in the hospital she wasn't able to keep enough oxygen in her blood, so it was decided that she needed some oxygen. The put a canula on her. Yet another blow to the hope that we had that she was going to come home with us soon. They were able to get her off the sugar water, so her IV was removed but now we had a new cord to contend with, the oxygen line. She also had a bout with jaundice. Up until this point we had tried to keep as light hearted as possible. While she was on the billi blanket we had said that she looked like a glow worm. She was terribly cute...
     
         Its now sunday, 6 days in the hospital. We got a phone call wondering what time we were going to be in to see Lily. When we got to the hospital, the resident doctor had wanted to talk with us before he left. So, my husband and I, the doctor, and two nurses went into the family room. Doc was holding a few pieces of paper in his hand. I think my husband and I knew this was it. We were going to get answers today. Lily's genetic testing had come back. The doctor explained everything as thoroughly as possible, at least what he knew about it. Lily was diagnosed with Trisomy 9 partial, a very rare chromosome abnormality. When we got the news it felt like more of a death sentence than anything else. There was no inflection of hope in most of the words that followed. I felt myself go into shock. I felt like i was in the midst of a nightmare, I wanted to wake up so badly but this was it, this was our new reality. The only thing that came to mind at the moment, was what are we supposed to do, as her parents. So I asked the doctor. his reply made a world of a difference to both of us, "just love her" was all he said. That was all he needed to say.

       They left us to sort through our feelings for a few minutes. My husband, being the loving man that he is, began to research immediately. He wanted to know what we had on our hands. The internet had information but given the exact mixture or my genes and my husbands genes there is no way to tell how Lily will do. Even now, we just don't know. That Sunday night I went back to the hospital alone to be with Lily. I needed to. My husband needed sometime alone to work through what he was feeling too.
   
         I got to the hospital and washed my hands, I could see she was sleeping. I just wanted to hold her. The nurse and I moved the recliner over to her area so I could recline with her zipped into my hoodie as I had already done so many times before. I tucked her in, laid my head back and prayed. I prayed silently and I prayed out loud. I told God I knew that she was His before she was mine and that I'd like for her to stay with us here on earth if it was His will. But also that if it was't His will for her to stay that I knew He would get us through it. I could feel the tears streaming down my face again, silently. Even though everything about her birth was un usual and difficult, I still had a peace when I was with her. There was something about holding her near to my heart that seemed to make the noise in the world just disappear. The diagnosis disappeared. The sadness; the fear, the anguish I was feeling inside. I felt like my heart was ripped out that day but when I was with Lily, holding her, it went away, at least for a little while. Even though I had been crying, I still wanted the nurse to take a picture of us together. I wanted any moment I had with her caught on camera because we just didn't know. We didn't know if she was going to pull through this. The outlook looked so grim and no one was giving us any reason to believe otherwise. Except for Lily herself.

       I felt better about everything after that night. I felt like I had to lay her at the foot of the cross once more to even have the hope of being able to keep her. Many days since that wonderful doctor said "just love her," that has been the words that my heart has uttered too. Lily spent a total of 10 days in the NICU. She had some fantastic nurses that looked after her and cared for her. I am thoroughly convinced they are God's ordained bunch to do what they do. There were a couple that especially touched our heart. Bringing Lily home was no small feat. I had to re-learn CPR. We stayed over night in the hospital again with her to see how we handled her being on oxygen and a pulse ox monitor. It didn't go that well. I slept for maybe a total of 20 minutes all night.My husband didn't sleep much more than I did either.  Nervous I guess.

      I was terrified at the idea of bringing her home on oxygen but there was no other reason that she need to be in the hospital at this point. We had a long list of follow up appointments to schedule. We had a list of instructions and phone numbers. We really had everything that we needed to care for her at home. Lily had been losing weight and not gaining it back in the hospital, even being on a higher calorie formula. We were also faced with the threat of failure to thrive. My husband and I were convinced we could turn that around upon bringing her home.

        It had been painful looking upon her in the hospital hooked up to all of these machines and oxygen and and IV. We felt helpless. We were frustrated and angry even. I just couldn't wrap my head around why a new little person could be so broken. When you purchase something at the store, it's new. It's in the best shape it's going to be in- ever. I can't tell you why this happened to us or why it happens to anyone. It was something that was completely out of our hands. It was something that happened the moment Lily's cells began to divide. There was nothing we could do that could have impacted the outcome. Now, there is so much that we can do to make a difference in the outcome. Not one of us knows how long we're going to be here but we can surely make the best of what time we have. I could choose to live my life angry that this ever happened in the first place. That anger would spill over into my family and the amazing privilege I have in taking care of them. Was this what I would have planned for my life? No... I don't think anyone would. Am I grateful now? Some days are easier than others. I am immensely grateful for Lily, I wouldn't trade her for a different child. She is an absolute miracle and wonder to us. There are a few things I do know.  My husband and I were chosen to care for Lily. I will take that as a high honor to be able to care for such an amazing and special little girl like her. The other thing I know is that we have today... Today we are together, today she is alive and thriving. She has already over come so many obstacles. She is already a medical mystery and I pray she continues to blow doctor's away with her progress.

       Jesus said that we will have struggles and trouble in this life. He wasn't kidding. I do know that if it weren't for Him and the strength we find in Him we wouldn't make it through most days. He also said not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow already has enough worry of its own. So, we must make a conscious effort to stay in today.