I needed a place to go today.

I needed a place to go today, not a place to air all my grievances but a place where I could just feel safe to share what is on my heart and on my mind today. Somewhere, someone would understand... So, naturally I turn to the Holy Spirit, who can decipher even my deep signs and groans.

I know I have not written here in a very long time but it has actually been a really difficult year, plagued with many lengthy hospital visits for Cookiepants. She is home, we got home again this past Saturday. We had such high hopes for this last visit, a surgery that in theory would have alleviatedI some of her digestive discomfort. But here we are staring into the face of the same beast that has troubled her since birth, manifesting itself as uncontrollable screaming and punching and being generally inconsolable.

I cry out to the Holy Spirit for His help and His guidance every single day. Whom else should I cry out to but my Father? He is filled with all knowledge and wisdom and is the only one who has what I need. Whether it be comfort or wisdom, He has it. And honestly, I just like spending time with Him. He gets me.

Being a special needs parent has not gotten easier. You just get to a place where you are pushed beyond your, "never will I ever's" and you fix your messy bun, refill your tea mug with the strongest tea you can import and you deal. You stare into the face of all the things you never wanted to do, all of the things no parent ever dreams about doing. In our case, many days have been an especially tailored nightmare. We do our best every single day but some days it just isn't enough.

While we were in the hospital, I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to do. The Holy Spirit whispered, "Sara, you have the ability to bring a bit of heaven with you where ever you go." So I took Him at His word and viewed the hospital as not just somewhere people go to get better (hopefully) but as a Holy Spirit playground. I saw opportunities all over the place to pray for others and lay hands on people in prayer. Back in July when there was the chance that we could have lost Lily, I wasn't going to let her very poor condition stop me from being hopeful for her and for others. I cheered when I saw children going home, knowing my child was going to be there for at least another 10 days. I celebrated the work I saw God doing all over that place. I celebrated when Lily broke through her poor diagnosis and began getting better again. I celebrated when her partial blockage was discovered in her stomach because at least we knew about one more missing piece to the puzzle.

There continues to be so much that we just don't know. This week, in spite of being fed into her intestines, she is still cranky and angry. It would be so easy for me to feel sorry for us and feel defeated but I am just not going to. We have come too far and God has given us too many promises in His Word to neglect even a single one, though things look quite grim today. I don't know what is wrong, I do not know how to fix it but I know that He does.

We are tired. This has been an epic-ally long battle where the fires continue to rage on. I am only one woman but fortunately, I have an entire army standing behind me, because my Father tells me so. No matter how this all shakes out, we will not be defeated, we will not have lost and I will not stop serving my God.

For now, we will hold tight to His promises because they are quite literally all that we have. We have done everything medically that there has been offered to do. Special needs parenting often translates to waiting, a lot. And so we wait. We wait for God to carry out His promises, for the things decreed over our lives to come to fruition, for the prophesies to be made manifest. We await the move of God, because nothing and no one can stop the will of God for our lives, not even the enemy of our souls. God's will is ALWAYS; wholeness, wellness and peace for our body, mind and soul. Nothing less. What I see before me is irrelevant. What God says is what is the truth. That is all I need to know. And that is where I will stay. 

Transparency

    There is this lovely gift that you can bestow upon cherished persons around you, transparency. The true, to the core real you. Unhindered; un-polished, uninhibited, the real deal. Whether we realize it or not, we all need these kinds of relationships where we can just relax and be ourselves. We don't have to change our approach, the way we speak or guard the way we act.

    Are these relationships difficult to cultivate? I would say they are. Just think about it, how many people are you able to completely be yourself around? Are there certain aspects of your character that you hide from people? Do you speak in a certain way with others? It's odd how our demeanor changes around certain people... Are we trying to impress them? Are we hiding?

    I know from personal experience I hide information about myself from certain persons because I know all they'll do with it is dissect it and judge and magnify any fault they can find. There are plenty of people out there like that. So, I can understand that. It seems we're better off disassociating ourselves with persons like that. Bad company corrupts good character.

    But how many people do we just keep it real around? And what is it that makes those people who are in your in crowd, in? Is there a such this as being a good friend anymore? It seems that with the age of technology, there is a death within friendships. The death of connectivity and being real. We can all sit behind a computer and be whoever we want to be with only virtual backlash. But are we really who we say we are when the rubber hit the pavement?

   When tragedy strikes there is always an out pouring of condolences toward the persons affected but how many are willing to get their hands dirty?

    Are we as a people willing to lay our judgments and pretenses aside and allow others to be genuine around us? Or are we going to keep them on high alert but watching them speculatively from beneath our brow? Humans were meant to live from a place of community and one-ness. We were meant to help each other out, not only humans but other beings too.

   We as a people should be concerned with cultivating genuine relationships and friendships, not just who is beneficial to us at certain times. -Who can get us what we need, when we think we need it. There have to be people in our lives who we can be completely transparent around, the ones who will love us through the tears and the pain. The ones who will rejoice when we rejoice, because our victory is like a victory for them. Our spouse should be that person and if they're not, work on that. Our best friend should be that person, work on that. If you're feeling that these leading people in your life are no longer the people you can be transparent around, sit down and have a very casual conversation with them. Don't accuse, just share...

    More over, the number one person we should be transparent with is God. He already knows anyhow, so you might as well do your best to put it into words. And when you have no words, mumbling and tears will suffice because the Holy Spirit can interpret for you. God loves us more than we could ever imagine, no matter how far fallen we think we are, there is always a way back and that way is Jesus. I know this is fact because I've seen the proof in my own life. If there is ever a relationship aside from our human, day in and day out relationships to nurture, it's our relationship with God. God has seen and created the beginning and He can also see the end. God is the One we can always, no matter how ugly, keep it real with.

    But I do know, we were meant to have deep and meaningful relationships with others while were here on this planet too. Otherwise, we wouldn't have a longing for it. That is a longing only our Creator could place within us.

   So, if you need to make a change in this area of your life, your relationships are lacking that certain genuine-ness, YOU be the change. Give it a go. Listen to the people in your life and don't listen just long enough to assemble your own reply. Listen just to hear them. Reach out to others, they may be in need of a friend and you have no idea what kind of place they're in. Stop judging! Please, just stop. Don't think you're better than someone because you don't do the "bad" thing they do, guess what, that bad thing they do, is just different from the bad things you do. In other words, don't judge someone because they sin differently than you do. And don't for a minute think that you are without sin, if you do you're only fooling yourself. We can all hop down off our high horses and love others freely and genuinely.
    "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." 1 John 1:8 
 
     We must be the change that we wish to see in the world around us, it has to be within us before it is manifested elsewhere. If we're not willing to love others with abandon, when we are capable, why would it be so for us? Who are we that we should be pampered and groveled after?

   "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

    "If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is a sin for them." James 4:17

    Those are the last bits I will leave you with... Gosh, I love the Word of God, it speaks so true and blunt and to the point! You can't find wisdom like this anywhere else!

   Be the change friends, bless someone today merely by just being love to them. If Christ is your savior, I know you've got it in you.
      Be blessed.

When life causes you to ask: WTF?

     I'm sure you've been there, maybe not a WTF moment but something like it. I know I've had a few of those moments this week... We're in a new home, getting adjusted to our new environment. We're not necessarily a new schedule, although Cookiepants decided it was time to get up and yell about life at 5 am. But there are moments where you think to yourself What the heck?

   I'll begin by saying, I don't understand it either but I know that One that knows everything and somehow, that makes those moments at least a little easier. It's been a long week, a very long week and I'd like nothing more than to sleep for the next week straight. Here I am, it's only Tuesday morning. My weeks don't look like most other people's weeks, weekends don't exist for me. One week literally runs right into the next seamlessly.

   Last week, all week long, I packed up our house. Friday we moved and I've been unpacking and organizing ever since. The house looks pretty good if I might say so myself, it's been worth all the hard work. Although, my husband has played the largest role in making things happen as concerns the heavy lifting.

    I've prayed for sleep, good quality sleep--- just a little, maybe to make up for the lack in sleep I've had for the last 3 years. Last night it was one thing after another, sleep slowly slipping through my fingertips. It's pretty common around here, the lack of sleep. With Cookiepants, you never know when you're going to be woken up and it likely won't be in a pleasant way. This morning was no different.

    When Cookiepants broke her leg, that was a WTF moment. After she had surgery and has continued to get acid reflux and frequently chokes, those are still WTF moments. We work as hard as we can to keep her happy; fed, comfortable and that her needs are beyond met. Still, there is a great amount of discontentment. When we got the news after Cookiepants was born that there was something wrong- there wasn't anything that I/we did wrong to cause this. It's infinitely frustrating when you do everything you're supposed to do and it still doesn't work out right or turn out the way it should have. What are we supposed to do?

   I've seen this meme going around; "When something goes wrong in life, just yell, PLOT TWIST! and move on."
     It's not quite that easy but I think that's the right idea... We can't sit here and think about what we're missing out on or what we gave up or the struggle ahead because if we do, we'll stay in a mindset of lack. We must do away with the negative thinking, immediately.

    If I sat here and thought about the reality of the "fate" laid upon me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning, much less, function. Oh yeah, it's that heavy. So, I don't think about it and I give it to God. Today is the day the Lord has made and today is my only focus. I can't focus on anything else. There is nothing but today... So when you have those WTF moments- the big ones, stay present. Fight to stay present because you can't fast forward beyond this moment right now. Stay in the moment that caused you to be so bewildered. Take it in and give it over to God. That's all we can do. We must stay flexible in this life, if we're unable to, we'll never find peace or happiness.

   Our enemy loves to attack us when we're already down or tired or feeling weak. It's his specialty. It's funny, I was going to touch on this subject right here, I took a minute sized break to get my daughter breakfast off the stove... A whole series of events unfolded. As I mentioned earlier, I'm severely under-slept- bring on the attacks, right? I put her oatmeal in the fridge to cool it down faster, I bumped it on something when i went to take it out, it slipped from my hands and fell on the floor shattering. Then the bottom shelf in the fridge fell out, Cookiepant's milk fell out and cracked open, leaking all over the floor too! Wow! In just a moment. I didn't get mad. I made a joke about how we talked about getting a new dish set anyhow. That was a WTF moment- really... Like seriously, in a split second, all that happened. I just have to laugh. What else am I supposed to do?

    But for the bigger moments, give it over to God. Those things that hit us sideways, that take the breath right out of our lungs... Give it to God. You can't control it anyway. It's funny how everyday we fool ourselves into believing that if we do all the right things in all the right ways that everything will turn out right. It just isn't so. This is earth, not heaven. Only in heaven will everything be made right, not here on earth. That's why we yearn for it so deeply, we all know some where deep within us that things just aren't right here. Cancer. Sick babies. Starving people. Crime. Abused animals. Whatever it is that disturbs you, you know it isn't right; it isn't just, it isn't okay... We're in enemy territory, where anything unjust is capable of happening no matter what we do.

    Give it to God and move forward. You'll be a different person, hopefully a better person, not a bitter one. God helps you to not become bitter. Jesus will strengthen you through the days as you work through your struggle. I can personally attest to that. And God is sovereign.

   I hope this helps, in those moments and others. I know we're all going through some sort of a struggle, my struggle doesn't look the same as yours and vice versa. Life is tough but it doesn't have to be as tough as we make it up in our mind. We dwell and beat ourselves up. It's time to just let it go, feel the feelings, yell if you must but let God take it. He's in control anyhow.

    I pray your day is blessed.