I needed a place to go today.

I needed a place to go today, not a place to air all my grievances but a place where I could just feel safe to share what is on my heart and on my mind today. Somewhere, someone would understand... So, naturally I turn to the Holy Spirit, who can decipher even my deep signs and groans.

I know I have not written here in a very long time but it has actually been a really difficult year, plagued with many lengthy hospital visits for Cookiepants. She is home, we got home again this past Saturday. We had such high hopes for this last visit, a surgery that in theory would have alleviatedI some of her digestive discomfort. But here we are staring into the face of the same beast that has troubled her since birth, manifesting itself as uncontrollable screaming and punching and being generally inconsolable.

I cry out to the Holy Spirit for His help and His guidance every single day. Whom else should I cry out to but my Father? He is filled with all knowledge and wisdom and is the only one who has what I need. Whether it be comfort or wisdom, He has it. And honestly, I just like spending time with Him. He gets me.

Being a special needs parent has not gotten easier. You just get to a place where you are pushed beyond your, "never will I ever's" and you fix your messy bun, refill your tea mug with the strongest tea you can import and you deal. You stare into the face of all the things you never wanted to do, all of the things no parent ever dreams about doing. In our case, many days have been an especially tailored nightmare. We do our best every single day but some days it just isn't enough.

While we were in the hospital, I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to do. The Holy Spirit whispered, "Sara, you have the ability to bring a bit of heaven with you where ever you go." So I took Him at His word and viewed the hospital as not just somewhere people go to get better (hopefully) but as a Holy Spirit playground. I saw opportunities all over the place to pray for others and lay hands on people in prayer. Back in July when there was the chance that we could have lost Lily, I wasn't going to let her very poor condition stop me from being hopeful for her and for others. I cheered when I saw children going home, knowing my child was going to be there for at least another 10 days. I celebrated the work I saw God doing all over that place. I celebrated when Lily broke through her poor diagnosis and began getting better again. I celebrated when her partial blockage was discovered in her stomach because at least we knew about one more missing piece to the puzzle.

There continues to be so much that we just don't know. This week, in spite of being fed into her intestines, she is still cranky and angry. It would be so easy for me to feel sorry for us and feel defeated but I am just not going to. We have come too far and God has given us too many promises in His Word to neglect even a single one, though things look quite grim today. I don't know what is wrong, I do not know how to fix it but I know that He does.

We are tired. This has been an epic-ally long battle where the fires continue to rage on. I am only one woman but fortunately, I have an entire army standing behind me, because my Father tells me so. No matter how this all shakes out, we will not be defeated, we will not have lost and I will not stop serving my God.

For now, we will hold tight to His promises because they are quite literally all that we have. We have done everything medically that there has been offered to do. Special needs parenting often translates to waiting, a lot. And so we wait. We wait for God to carry out His promises, for the things decreed over our lives to come to fruition, for the prophesies to be made manifest. We await the move of God, because nothing and no one can stop the will of God for our lives, not even the enemy of our souls. God's will is ALWAYS; wholeness, wellness and peace for our body, mind and soul. Nothing less. What I see before me is irrelevant. What God says is what is the truth. That is all I need to know. And that is where I will stay. 

Time is the most costly of all

     Giving birth to Cookiepants gave birth to a lot of hidden truth in life that I never saw before. It has been an eye opening experience in many ways. I use her birth as a mile marker because so many things changed shortly there after. It was as though we were set aside into a different category of human being. We had distinctly been set apart, there was no mistaking it.

    Unfortunately one of the side effects was the shining of light onto the darker sides of humanity, the side with all the smoke and mirrors and falsehoods. The side that masquerades as kindness and care and an extended hand. But when you actually reach out for that hand, it isn't there and you tumble to the ground, flat on your face.

    Now don't get me wrong, we have seen the kinder, more real and loving side of humanity. It has been captivating, a pure God send to us- along with the people who are on that side. Those who really have our best on their hearts and in their minds. The ones who have said, "I will be there for you," and actually showed up. They know who they are and to them we are eternally grateful.

    Friends are there for each other and the real, get down and dirty ones are there no matter the hour. I used to leave the ringer on my phone on all night in case anyone needed a ride home from the pub late at night. Most of my friends knew they could call me if they needed to. I wasn't just saying it to be nice, I meant it. Life isn't always clean and pretty- you know, that kind of life we all post up all over social media. Then again, we don't want to air our dirty laundry all over the place either. All that mess is reserved for those- get your hands dirty friends.

    But what about those friends that say they'll sift through the mess with you but never show up? Oh dear reader... There have been so many. I used to feel bitter about it. Because I really believed, I truly did. After all we had been through, I wanted to believe that there was still a bright side to humanity and that it was larger than the dark side. From my view— it remains smaller. Now if I were to include God in this estimation, well, that would greatly change that ratio. But I am speaking in terms of mere humans. Humans, who at the time, are delighted to shoulder the load and help. Who at the time, maybe needed a lift themselves, and as it is known, that when you're in need yourself, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to serve others. Maybe it made them feel better to utter their offer for help, not having thought it through fully. Not realizing that the help in question would actually be called upon. I can't be certain, I am unable to judge nor examine the hearts of others. But there are of course a few scriptures that are coming to mind as I'm ticking away at my keyboard.

    "Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of a gift he does not give." Proverbs 25:14 ESV

     "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

     "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

    "or if anyone thoughtlessly takes an oath to do anything, whether good or evil (in any matter one might carelessly swear about) even though they are unaware of it, but then they learn of it and realize their guilt—" Leviticus 5:4

  Colossians 3:13 covers my part in making good with the broken promises and all the false niceties. "If any of you has grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." — Yes, I must. I cannot let the shortcomings and failures of others hinder my walk in life or with the Lord. I found scripture regarding making promises rashly to the Lord but I didn't feel that it applied here. Promises made before the Lord but possibly not directly to Him, as I stated before, I cannot judge man nor his or her heart.

    What has all of this taught me? Honestly... Trust is earned and developed by showing up when you say you will. Don't make promises you can't keep. Even though these realizations hurt at the time they are in fact realized, I still must be committed to searching out the good in others and believing in the good within them. I must forgive, just as the Lord has forgiven me. And lastly, I'm under to obligation to trust these people. I can pray. I can wish them the best. I will certainly forgive. But I haven't found a place yet where Jesus said that we have to continually put ourselves up to be hurt over and over again. Eventually it becomes abuse, especially if it's blatant.

     These experiences have taught me not to make rash promises because I've been the recipient of them. These experiences have taught me not to say- I'll be there, when It's still unlikely that I wouldn't be able to make it. This road I've been walking along has taught me how to say no. It isn't easy saying no but if I can't live up to what I said yes to, what does that say of my trustworthyness and integrity? What does that say about the church as a people? What does that say about Jesus? I don't want others to look at me as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and see someone who doesn't keep their promises. Thus assuming that Jesus won't be there either- which is false! Jesus never ever leaves your side. I do not for a moment want to misrepresent Him. That would cause me a great deal of anguish in my heart that can be completely avoided- by not pretending to be someone I'm not or— not over committing myself. Simply saying no isn't unkind, it's sometimes what we have to do because we can't commit to yes.

    Forgive those who hurt you. You can't stay angry or bitter. It doesn't hurt them, it hurts you. And when it comes to needing help, don't return to the ones who have fallen desperately short of their initial yes, ask God to guide you to some real help. Also, give grace to those who fell short. They are only human after all. God gives us more than enough grace everyday because we fall desperately short of His glory. Forgiveness and grace friends... two of the hardest things to dole out to others but we must live in a place of constant grace giving and issuing forgiveness. After all, our Father in heaven has forgiven us far more than we could ever comprehend.

    Be blessed today friends.