Seeking perfection

This blog is going to serve as a dual message, something I think about often. Say this out loud as you read it: too fat or too skinny, too smart or too dumb, too pretty or too ugly, not educated enough, know too much… Everything that surrounds us in the world serves as a measuring stick. When we watch tv we are subconsciously measured against whomever is on tv. We look at magazines, the internet, read books, listen to music. Everything tells us we need more, we have to do better, look better, etc.

I am all for taking care of our bodies, they’re the only ones we’re going to have on earth. We might as well take care of them, right? But to what end? In this age, we have drugs, plastic surgery, gyms, personal trainers and the like, all at our disposal. We are in an age of seeking perfection. It’s in our food. It’s in our bodies. Our homes. Our children. At what expense?

Our food is slowly killing us, we sought the perfect seed and the perfect crop. Through all this seeking we have found it but the perfection is killing us and causing a whole slew of new diseases and allergies. If you don’t believe me, do the research yourself. It’s called GMO. It’s a twisted world we live in.

Our dear children… What precious little beings they are. Some parents press their do better pressure onto their children. I’m not talking about encouraging them to do their best, I’m talking about ridiculous expectations. I’m talking about crushing their self-esteem because they didn’t finish the way we wanted them to. Or get the grades that we have pushed them to. Or the simple mistakes they make, the kind that are so obvious to us as adults but we tend to forget they are kids. Oh the words that we speak… have we forgotten that those thoughts ring through their little minds over and over again. Not to mention the pressure they get from their peers in school.  

Our bodies… Well, the truth is, after the fall, they became prone to breaking down after time. God has set heaven in the hearts of men, (women too) therefore we seek to find heaven here on earth, even in our bodies too. Our bodies are what I will reference as a temporal mobile living vessel. When “they” say it’s what’s on the inside that counts, it’s truer than anyone of us could possibly know.

On earth, we strive to look our best. Plastic surgery; working out, dieting, drugs. I am all for living a healthy lifestyle. But the body I will have when I leave here is the one I’m most looking forward to! I will have a body like Christ’s. Perfect. Beautiful. Indestructible. The way God had originally intended it. If you’re not planning on going to heaven, then by all means- pump yourself with plastic, take the drugs and diet until your heart’s content.

 Unfortunately, some folks don’t know how to get to heaven. It’s more politically correct to tell you that everyone goes to heaven. But I’d be lying if I said that were true. Jesus is the only way to heaven. He is the narrow pathway, He is the good shepherd. He came to this earth to save the lost. If you don’t have a friendship with Jesus yet, do so. No one is too far gone for Him. No one is too bad. Or you don’t have to become a better person before you get to know Him. All you have to do is ask. Ask Him to come live in your heart and you will spend eternity in His paradise. It’s the coming to terms with needing Him that is necessary. We all need Him. God designed us to live in communion with Him. That should explain that deep longing we have, even when we have all that one could possibly ask for. And that body that most everyone is seeking so hard to find will be given to you upon your arrival in heaven.

                While we’re here we need to speak the truth in love to our children. We need to put the right food in our bodies. Yes, I know, organic food costs more money. But you feel so much better eating it. And our bodies. God’s finest design. We were the last of things He created. The cherry on the sundae. Our bodies are beautiful no matter how big or small. How smart we are, what degrees and schooling we have. It just doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Make the right decisions now and walk with the Lord each day. He will never leave your side. Spending eternity in your indestructible heavenly body with Jesus, It’s worth every sacrifice there may be. Life is but a blink of an eye held against the backdrop of eternity.

The worst thing about being a parent.

    I believe as parents we strive to do the best we can for our kids and choose whats best for them. So when you're struck sideways by something unexpected, often times you're left feeling helpless and sometimes angry, to say the least. You're ushered into a different realm of life that you never would have chosen for your child and certainly not for yourself either.

     We stood over our brand new baby girl. She was peacefully sleeping a midst all the people talking and working. We were filled with so many questions, the biggest one being, why? She seemed so small and helpless, even more so with all the cords and sensors hooked up to her, which led to a monitor. I was afraid to pick her up. My desire to hold her and comfort her was far greater than any fear I had at this point. She was our long awaited baby.

    I think like any parent would be feeling, I wanted to take it all away. I wanted to pray or petition my way out of this one. But my good sense reminded me, God cannot be manipulated, nor would I actually try. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of helplessness because I knew there was nothing I could do but pray. There was nothing I could physically do, there was no information that I had that would resolve any of this. All we had was time.

    There is something about this path we have been thrusted onto that will make sense one day. It may not be on this side of Heaven that we will know. As the days pass and new obstacles present themselves I have the option to be faithful and seek as much joy in our circumstances as I possibly can. Or the alternative, self loathing, anger, pity, carelessness.

    There are still many days where I wish I could take it all away. Not for my convenience but for Lily's. Much like my husband and I have been groomed for this, Lily had preparation of her own for this too. Her state wasn't haphazardly planned, it was allowed in our life and in hers. God gives us what we need each day to be effective.

     Oddly, while I was pregnant I spent a lot of time reading books on God and His nature. It was no coincidence that I spent all that time reading because I need that understanding now. Nothing just happens. Nothing falls through the cracks. Nothing gets past God. No one can succeed against Him or us if it isn't within His will. Nothing we view as "bad" happens, unless it's for our good and for His glory. Anything that we view as "bad" that happens, God can make good come from it.


     I'll be the first to say that someday's I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are days where I just want to sit in my proverbial mud puddle and wallow in my own self pity. God has called me to something higher than that. I am a sheep and sheep don't like to be dirty. Jesus is the good Shepard. The days when my mind strays away into darker places He sets off to find me. I don't understand any of this but I do know He's mourns with me when I hurt. God has a plan in all of this.

     The worst thing about being a parent is not being able to fix it. Oh how I want to fix it but I can't. It't not my job. I can't even give a sound explanation for all of this either, at least not one that most folks understand. There was no cause and effect. There was no action and reaction. There is nothing other than this was foreseen by the only one who can see. I can only see what I am doing right now, this very moment. I can plan all I want for the future but the Lord determines my steps. I can't fix this right now but I can pray and I can be faithful with what God has given me, a very special little girl.

    God provides every day what we need. I am confident He will continue to provide what we need to take care of Lily. My choice is my attitude, that's the only thing I have any control over. Paul, who was in chains wrote to be joyful always. Paul had a confident hope of what his future was, what it would be when he left this earth. Jesus did warn us that we would have trouble in this life. Paul knew it was his body that could be broken but not his hope nor his spirit. Oh to be able to grasp onto that each day, it takes much wisdom and faith. Faith builds in time and my faith is very much still a work in progress. As I am a work in progress. Sanctification is meant to take place over the span of your life, not over night. This process, these circumstances are very much shaping me to be more like the person God wants me to be- if I continue to be faithful and let it change me and cause me to grow.

      Beneath the surface of all of this, there is a great work taking place on all parties involved. Boosting faith and confidence in the One who knows. Even while someday's things look bleak or that there is no end in sight, there is something already planned. It may not be what I had planned but whatever it is, He will provide the strength for it. At this time, when we don't know anymore than we can see, we can hold tightly to the One who knows and can see. We can continue to be faithful with what we have. And we can continue to seek His face, rather than just what He has in His hands. This is my job, my goal. This is what has been asked of me.

    The worst thing about being a parent is doing nothing at all...

   

Partial Trisomy 9 & 12

       It was exciting being pregnant. It seems like it takes an eternity to meet your new baby but it is well worth the wait. Even the labor is worth it, in hind sight of course. While in the midst of it you can think of a hundred things you would rather be doing, that are probably a lot more fun. Bringing Lily into the world was especially painful. Pain I can't even begin to describe. Thinking back on it now I am shocked I even made it through that...
 
        She didn't cry when she was born. The whole room fell silent except for a few suspicious whispers. After what felt like forever a very raspy cry rang throughout the room. What a relief, we couldn't help but cry too. She was nearly as blue as a summer sky. They wrapped her up in blankets and laid her on my chest. Oh what a beautiful little blessing she was. Our little angel, we finally got to meet her...
   
       The doctor and nurses were clued in by a few of Lily's abnormalities right away. Her little pinkies and pointer fingers didn't look right, they were turned in. Both of her feet were different. Also they later told me her hip was hyper-extended upon birth too. They gave her oxygen upon coming out and has to resuscitate her to some degree too. All of this I found out later, rather than while it was going on. Her blood sugar was low too. They took her to the NICU unit. Our first meeting was brief which made me feel very worried and sad.
      I didn't get around to going and visiting her until nearly 9 in the morning. She had been born at 4:30 am. I held her close and prayed over her, no one had answers as to why she needed to be under extra special care. My husband had been able to go and be with her for a while and so did my mom. Now I finally got to hold the little baby that I had been carrying in my belly for 9 months. And even though there was something "wrong" with her, she was all together perfect to me. She was beautiful!
   
         The doctors ran various tests on her, they sent out for genetics testing; did x-rays, ultrasounds, blood work. I had prayed that her "abnormalities" her because of how she was positioned in my belly. As the test results continued to come back normal, we were grateful but still miffed as to why the great concern. In the meantime, Lily continued to need sugar water in an IV. Then she spiked a temperature out of no where. So they put her on antibiotics, they also tested her for meningitis and ran more blood work. The thought of them tapping into her spine with a needle made me shutter. She was only a few days old when I was able to go home.
   
        We were all too eager to go home. It was difficult for us to be in the hospital where our privacy was completely compromised. We had no down time to try and sort through how we were feeling. Lily's future felt so up in the air and so did ours. We packed up our things, knowing that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home. It didn't hit me until I was sitting in my wheel chair waiting for my husband to pull the car around. I lost it. I had a diaper bag. Greeting cards that said congratulations, a couple of balloons, the infant seat was in the car. But we had no baby. I had seen other mothers in the elevator leave with their new baby and even congratulated them. I meant it too... Here it was our time to go home and we had no baby. Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that latched onto me and hugged me until my husband came around with the car. I was a sobbing mess. How could I not see this coming? -That I would handle this so badly. That was one of the emptiest feelings I can ever recall having in my life.
   
        We needed rest. We rested when we could. We spent a lot of time up at the hospital. I couldn't imagine not spending time with Lily. We fed her bottles. We bathed her. We changed diapers. We listened to music and read to her. By her 5th day in the hospital she wasn't able to keep enough oxygen in her blood, so it was decided that she needed some oxygen. The put a canula on her. Yet another blow to the hope that we had that she was going to come home with us soon. They were able to get her off the sugar water, so her IV was removed but now we had a new cord to contend with, the oxygen line. She also had a bout with jaundice. Up until this point we had tried to keep as light hearted as possible. While she was on the billi blanket we had said that she looked like a glow worm. She was terribly cute...
     
         Its now sunday, 6 days in the hospital. We got a phone call wondering what time we were going to be in to see Lily. When we got to the hospital, the resident doctor had wanted to talk with us before he left. So, my husband and I, the doctor, and two nurses went into the family room. Doc was holding a few pieces of paper in his hand. I think my husband and I knew this was it. We were going to get answers today. Lily's genetic testing had come back. The doctor explained everything as thoroughly as possible, at least what he knew about it. Lily was diagnosed with Trisomy 9 partial, a very rare chromosome abnormality. When we got the news it felt like more of a death sentence than anything else. There was no inflection of hope in most of the words that followed. I felt myself go into shock. I felt like i was in the midst of a nightmare, I wanted to wake up so badly but this was it, this was our new reality. The only thing that came to mind at the moment, was what are we supposed to do, as her parents. So I asked the doctor. his reply made a world of a difference to both of us, "just love her" was all he said. That was all he needed to say.

       They left us to sort through our feelings for a few minutes. My husband, being the loving man that he is, began to research immediately. He wanted to know what we had on our hands. The internet had information but given the exact mixture or my genes and my husbands genes there is no way to tell how Lily will do. Even now, we just don't know. That Sunday night I went back to the hospital alone to be with Lily. I needed to. My husband needed sometime alone to work through what he was feeling too.
   
         I got to the hospital and washed my hands, I could see she was sleeping. I just wanted to hold her. The nurse and I moved the recliner over to her area so I could recline with her zipped into my hoodie as I had already done so many times before. I tucked her in, laid my head back and prayed. I prayed silently and I prayed out loud. I told God I knew that she was His before she was mine and that I'd like for her to stay with us here on earth if it was His will. But also that if it was't His will for her to stay that I knew He would get us through it. I could feel the tears streaming down my face again, silently. Even though everything about her birth was un usual and difficult, I still had a peace when I was with her. There was something about holding her near to my heart that seemed to make the noise in the world just disappear. The diagnosis disappeared. The sadness; the fear, the anguish I was feeling inside. I felt like my heart was ripped out that day but when I was with Lily, holding her, it went away, at least for a little while. Even though I had been crying, I still wanted the nurse to take a picture of us together. I wanted any moment I had with her caught on camera because we just didn't know. We didn't know if she was going to pull through this. The outlook looked so grim and no one was giving us any reason to believe otherwise. Except for Lily herself.

       I felt better about everything after that night. I felt like I had to lay her at the foot of the cross once more to even have the hope of being able to keep her. Many days since that wonderful doctor said "just love her," that has been the words that my heart has uttered too. Lily spent a total of 10 days in the NICU. She had some fantastic nurses that looked after her and cared for her. I am thoroughly convinced they are God's ordained bunch to do what they do. There were a couple that especially touched our heart. Bringing Lily home was no small feat. I had to re-learn CPR. We stayed over night in the hospital again with her to see how we handled her being on oxygen and a pulse ox monitor. It didn't go that well. I slept for maybe a total of 20 minutes all night.My husband didn't sleep much more than I did either.  Nervous I guess.

      I was terrified at the idea of bringing her home on oxygen but there was no other reason that she need to be in the hospital at this point. We had a long list of follow up appointments to schedule. We had a list of instructions and phone numbers. We really had everything that we needed to care for her at home. Lily had been losing weight and not gaining it back in the hospital, even being on a higher calorie formula. We were also faced with the threat of failure to thrive. My husband and I were convinced we could turn that around upon bringing her home.

        It had been painful looking upon her in the hospital hooked up to all of these machines and oxygen and and IV. We felt helpless. We were frustrated and angry even. I just couldn't wrap my head around why a new little person could be so broken. When you purchase something at the store, it's new. It's in the best shape it's going to be in- ever. I can't tell you why this happened to us or why it happens to anyone. It was something that was completely out of our hands. It was something that happened the moment Lily's cells began to divide. There was nothing we could do that could have impacted the outcome. Now, there is so much that we can do to make a difference in the outcome. Not one of us knows how long we're going to be here but we can surely make the best of what time we have. I could choose to live my life angry that this ever happened in the first place. That anger would spill over into my family and the amazing privilege I have in taking care of them. Was this what I would have planned for my life? No... I don't think anyone would. Am I grateful now? Some days are easier than others. I am immensely grateful for Lily, I wouldn't trade her for a different child. She is an absolute miracle and wonder to us. There are a few things I do know.  My husband and I were chosen to care for Lily. I will take that as a high honor to be able to care for such an amazing and special little girl like her. The other thing I know is that we have today... Today we are together, today she is alive and thriving. She has already over come so many obstacles. She is already a medical mystery and I pray she continues to blow doctor's away with her progress.

       Jesus said that we will have struggles and trouble in this life. He wasn't kidding. I do know that if it weren't for Him and the strength we find in Him we wouldn't make it through most days. He also said not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow already has enough worry of its own. So, we must make a conscious effort to stay in today.

Changes

          It's been a very long time since I've written on here. As always much has changed. It amazes me sometimes how quickly life can change. It's hard not to be stubborn and not take change well- and roll with the punches as they say. Especially when the changes are unwarranted. I know I used to struggle really hard with that out of control feeling, the one that you get when things don't work out the way you had hoped they would. But that's just part of life, isn't it?
          There have been so many times in my life when things didn't work out the way I had hoped or pictured in my mind. For a long time I thought that if I didn't set myself up and hope for something then when the thing didn't happen I wouldn't be disappointed. Sounds safe, right? Nope, not a chance. I think in many ways I felt even worse. I had nothing to reach for or hope for or go after. I know it's miserably disappointing when something doesn't work out but how else would I have learned? Some of my biggest blunders, God has woven into my greatest blessings.
        Why do you absolutely loathe when our plans don't work out according to what we had in mind? We seem to have a nature within us that wants to control everything and have everything our way. A nature that is contrary to God's will for our life and all out contrary to God. We don't know and can't possibly understand the plans that He has for our lives.  But He does. He knows exactly what He's doing. That's what can make it so terrifying. His plans most likely coincide with our plans, leaving us traveling down a path we never would have chosen for our selves.
          A prime example for us right now is, we had hoped to move out of Wisconsin one day. One day we might but right now, it has occurred to us that we're meant to be here. As painful as it is, when winter comes. As depressing as it is, when it's so cold we have to let our car warm up for at least 20 minutes before we can drive it, we're still here. Oh, I drag my feet and am filled with those ugly anxious feelings when I know the seasons have changed, officially into winter. Most of the winter I feel like a caged rat. My whole body aches, I get chronic headaches, the sun doesn't shine for days. In the morning, my car used to sound like a jack hammer. Winter in Wisconsin is painful, ask anyone who lives here. I yearn deeply for palm tree's and sandy beaches. I long to wear summery dresses and shorts all year long. I want to see the beautiful sun each day. While I can't be sure, exactly why we're still here but I have a few clues. I know that all I really need to know is that God has me exactly where He wants me and where He needs me. If it were Gods will for us to be anywhere else it would just be so.
           Sometimes that is a really tough pill to swallow but I tend to think that if I were able to do whatever I wanted or live outside of what God allows in my life- I would never grow as a person and eventually I wouldn't be happy either. I remember doing things the hard way, the way I wanted, I wasn't happy. At the end of the day, I still wasn't happy. Now, I can at least rest knowing that I have a heavenly Father who loves and cares for me and has a plan for my life. I don't even have plans for my life right now... I know that nothing will succeed in my life without His divine hand in it. Even in the darkest of times in my life, He was there. I know His intentions are good, I know He won't harm me. It says so in Jeremiah 29:11.
         I'd like to keep my first entry in a long time a bit light hearted. I pray someone reads this and is reminded that God has a plan for our lives. We don't know what it is but that we have to trust that whatever it is, it will be for our good and for His glory. While we may not understand it at the time and we may never understand this side of heaven. One day I pray this life; the joy and the pain will all make sense.