We had no idea...

 

      I think back to 3 years ago when I was just a couple months pregnant with Lily... I try to remember the challenges I faced and my attitude and reactions to them. I try to think about what my idea of lost sleep was or what feeling "heart-broken" felt like to me then. I think about these things because I had no idea that I'd be sitting here, having experienced the things I have experienced since then.

   I try to think about the things that used to get under my skin... Uncontrollably screaming children. Grinding teeth. Vomiting. No sleep. Opposition at every corner. Constant mind numbing pain in my back.

   I think by now, you can guess where this is going. I'm there, all these things listed above happen or occur on a daily basis. If you know me, I don't seek pity. I have no interest in it, I write these blogs just to give a glance into the window known as our life. I view the aforementioned irritants as sandpaper to grind away at the things that never should have bothered me. Does that make sense? There are things we let bother us or that we judge but we don't know the back story behind those things. Maybe I made a mistake along the road and judged something or someone and that's why they're my sandpaper now. I don't know and I likely won't find out this side of heaven. All I can do is accept these things and move on.

   I am not the woman I was 3 years ago, there may be a mere scrap of her left. Though I know we have suffered some form of PTSD from all of this, I feel like we're slowly coming out of it. My plan is to emerge from all this trauma stronger than I ever was, more certain of who I am. What matters most, is who I am in Christ and boy have I ever gotten to know that version of me better than ever. Never in my life have I had to depend on God so much, someday's just to get through the day in tact.


    When we think about starting a family or expanding one, we get this cushy feeling. One of love and warmth and completion. I know I did. I still do. (no, we're not expanding the family anymore) When we embark on such a wondrous journey with our husband or wife, the mere thought of it is exciting! It's also scary because it's unknown territory, instead of 2 of us, there will be 3 or 4 or 5, etc. When we embarked on this journey, we had no idea that we would have such a high calling. A calling that only God could see us through.

    I was never much for relying on people or asking for help, I was always a "I'll do it myself" kind of gal. I think or two reasons, one- people fail you and two- pride. I've come to realize that people still fail you but I've also come to realize that there's no room for pride in my life. I don't want anything to do with it, in fact, I pray the Holy Spirt continues to convict me of any pride.

    Never in a million years did I think we'd have an unhealthy baby... Pride. There I stood, spiritually naked, pride-less. And all the things above that used to get under my skin, I was forced to replace with a feeling of love and sympathy.

   There were so many things I didn't understand about life and the people here. There are still so many more things I don't understand and will likely never come into contact with in my lifetime. What I do know is that there were things that I had never experienced or dismissed as irritating that I am now faced with everyday. My heart swells with love for those of us who are on such a complicated journey... We all are really, as no two lives look the same. We're all faced with challenges and complications. But it's all a matter of how we view them. I guess I was just extra stubborn and the only way to change me was to break me. And the only way to get me to seek God or look to Him in every aspect of my life was to bring me to my knees.

    We all bleed and breathe, we all desire love. In my early 20's I was blind to that fact. If you were lousy toward me, expect a double dose back! Now... I believe it's a waste of time and I'd rather just pray for them. For most of us, there are defining moments in life when that light bulb lights up above our heads. There will always be nay-sayers, don't let them stop you if you know it's right. We need to keep pressing on, moving forward, in the right direction. Our attitude defines who we really are! I know my attitude needed some fine tuning, though for now I'm still tired and my body is hurting I certainly feel like I have a greater purpose to my life. I was broken so that God's light can shine through me better. It was painful being stripped spiritually naked but I'm grateful it happened.

    Keep pressing on friends, let your hearts be filled with love for those around you even if they don't treat you well. Pray for them instead. We've all walked a path none of us knows anything about, love on them rather than judge. I share this because I know at points and places in my life, I made these mistakes. Being broken isn't ugly, it's beautiful- God's light can shine through...

   

Just passing through...

     I keep seeing this meme going around- "not my circus, not my monkeys." I didn't really think it was all that funny but rather a reminder about my place here on this planet.

    "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: 'a servant is not greater than his master,' if they persecuted me, they will persecute you also." John 15:18-20

      I wanna pick this apart a little bit, really zoom in there if we can. "If the world hates you," let's start there... Why do they hate you? Are you a jerk or do they hate you because 'you take this Jesus thing too seriously?' Do you not share in all the world views? Do you follow along with Jesus when others think you've completely lost your mind?

    If you're a jerk, knock it off! Life is too short to project your misery onto everyone else. And whether you believe it or not, you'll have to take account for everything you've done. We all will. I know I don't want to stand at the judgement seat of God and have to give account for a bunch of miserable things with no other excuse than my own sad attempt at excusing myself. No excuse holds water as far as God is concerned. But there is one way to get pardoned, Jesus.

    So, you take the "Jesus thing" seriously... Fantastic! Jesus is far more real than your hand in front of you.

   It is an immediate response to retaliate when someone makes an offense against you, right? It crosses our minds even if we don't follow through. Jesus says forgive 70 times 7, essentially He says, keep forgiving and don't keep track.

    "As it is, you do not belong to the world but I have chosen you out of the world."
If you ever feel unspecial or unimportant, you're not. You were chosen, you are dearly loved by the God of the universe. He tells you in the Bible countless times! If you don't believe me, have a look for yourself. He also tells us not to worry about our lives here. I know that sounds hard to do because we do get a bit attached to things and people here but there is something far better than here. It is with Him in heaven. And He can tell you not to worry because He is assured of this place and you can be assured if only you trust and believe.

     "A servant is not greater than his master, if they persecuted me they will persecute you also."
I'd have to say this one is pretty obvious, we're not exempt just as Jesus was not exempt. The Pharisees and other religious leaders of that time were always seeking to kill Him. Jesus was always ducking out of crowds and seeking refuge in quiet far off places any chance He could get. He was in trouble. He was an outlaw for the right reasons.

   Are you an outlaw for the right reasons? Are you sought for advice and help? Is your insight requested?
   
       It's quite alright to stick out in a crowd, Jesus certainly did. It's alright to be an outcast, Jesus was. If you take up your cross daily and follow the Lord and you're met with ridicule by those who are of this world, you're in good company. The Bible tells us in Matthew 7:13-14, "Enter through the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate ans narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few will find it."

    "Few will find it," -Wow, few... You are one of few. Checking google today, there are 7.4 billion people in the world right now. So of those 7.4 billion, few will find the narrow path that leads to life, eternal life, that is. I want to be one of the few. I will follow Jesus even while everyone around me doesn't understand or laughs at me. I will follow Him, He's more real than this temporal place that I live in. He's more real that my "real life problems," He's also bigger than my "real life problems." My problems and troubles pale in comparison to the glory that is coming! Oh what a fine day it will be.

    I had it on my heart to share this message today, someone needed it, including me. It's a message I continually need to be reminded of myself, the world, the life, all seems to huge and so real sometimes. When really, we're only passing through. We've all got a set time here. We've all got a set list of goals to accomplish and lessons to teach others. One day it all will make sense, we're assured of this.

   
   

Adulting doesn't have to suck.

       Psssssssst..... come'ere, I wanna tell you a secret... Come a little closer- there, that's perfect. You ready?
      -Just because we're adults, our life doesn't have to suck... No really, It doesn't. -Yes, of course I'm serious, you don't have to look so bewildered.

       I've recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be all work and no play or laughter or planning everything to the nth degree. I've seen a meme going around the internet that the Bible says: "Fear not" like 365 times but I think it may actually be more. I haven't counted, that would take a lot of time. Okay, cross check, Google says it is indeed 365 times. So guess what, that's no coincidence and there is in fact one "fear not" for each day of the year!

      Think about that for a minute, what is the root of all your adulting anxiety? I know what mine is, FEAR! I had one smart college professor that professed that fear was- False Evidence Appearing Real. That really stuck with me!

     I still have days where my mind starts spinning out of control with all the what if's and believe me, there are a lot of them. But honestly, as of late, I really just don't care. They're not my problem. Jesus told me to come to Him and He would give me rest and give me His yoke which is much easier than mine. So guess what, daily (dismissing fear) I turn over my burdens to Him. He's got it. Yes, He's strong enough. Who else could have managed to die on the cross for all the sins of the world? God in the flesh, that's who.

      With my new "fear not" banner waving proudly in the air (courtesy of Jesus, of course) I've had the distinct pleasure of feeling alive again. Yes, alive. No, I wasn't dead before but I surely wasn't living... I was getting by each day, head hitting the pillow exhausted. Oh I'm still tired some days, I'm human but my heart isn't so heavily weighed down with all the burdens of life.

      We of course have a unique circumstance in our house, our daughter... Whose fate we can't be certain, we don't know any of our fates but there is one things we do know about our fate- where we're going. That is one thing that helps me sleep at night, should anything happen to any one of us, we will one day be together again. Thank you Lord Jesus!!! I can't thank Him enough and I can't manage to live my life enough for Him either! It's a debt I simply pay nor did He expect me to. He just wants me to trust Him. So, everyday I wake up there is an exchange that takes place. I hand over my stuff and He gives me His peace. Yes, It's that easy... There are times throughout the day where the enemy tries to steal it but it's as simple as readjusting my vision back to Him.

      It has absolutely broken me how little I've been "living" rather than just getting by and surviving the day. Yes, broken. It's been like a thick cloud of oppression. It was dark and thick and miserable in there. I wasn't alone in there, maybe it was something I needed to go though to get to where I am now and have some staying power here. I never knew a sadness like I became acquainted with other the last two years, it was debilitating. There are still days where I feel emotional but I've learned that I need to experience them rather than suppress them.

      On the difficult days I know I can kneel at the foot of the cross and surrender everything over to Jesus once more. There isn't a limit. There is no end to His love and understanding. He will never tell me to go away. And He will never leave my side.

     I'm re-learning how to be an adult, the most responsible way I know how. It's been a matter of erasing everything I thought that I knew and replacing it with His truths. I'm letting go of the wheel and giving it over to Him, Jesus will do a much better job of avoiding the pot holes and pit falls of life than I will. I can have a bit more fun too because I'm not shouldering all that unnecessary responsibility that just isn't mine. It's not mine, say it with me. IT'S NOT MINE! Now give up. Really, it's safe, give up. Give it over to Jesus and start to live for Him rather than for whatever the world is telling you to live for. If you're living for Him, you're loving people in all the right ways. You're doing your part in the world but the stress is gone. Poof! Gone.

      The heck with stress and anxiety and all those other awful things were plagued with. Screw them all! We don't need them, do we? Life is so hard that we don't even get out of here alive... Haha... sorry, a little humor there. But we can have eternal life and that friends, that is a beautiful thing!

      Hey, don't let adulting get you down. Talk to Jesus, He'd love to hear from you and He'd love to share in your burdens with you and your triumphs. He's an amazing man.

    I'm off to go color in my blanket fort, have a stellar day friends!

The purpose in life...

   Let me just preface this by saying, I love the book of Ecclesiastes... I think about the wisdom in just that book alone because I have a lot of time to think about life and what it's all about. I don't know many people who do enjoy reading it, if you don't interpret it correctly, it's the most depressing book ever! But I love it.

   So, we're going to go through and ponder some of the things that are brought forth to our attention and how it relates to now. Don't be shy, read on. And No I'm not gonna hit you over the head with a Bible either.

    "I have see all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 1;14
    Now what do you suppose that means? He digs in...

   "I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects; I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them...... I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecc 2:3-5, 9-11

    Wow, this guy had everything imaginable but still his ultimate revelation was- he wasn't happy and really, it was all still just meaningless.

    Have you ever been there? You thought to yourself that you had everything that you wanted (without even being greedy) this was it, this was all you needed? I think we all have. I know I have at one point or another. But then, something else came along, something else that would make the picture even more complete. It would be the icing on the cake- so they say. Let's say you achieved it, but there is always going to be something else.

   Have you ever wondered if everything that you do serves no purpose but to keep you entertained while you're here? We take everything so seriously, it seems. Except the right things. Think about that for a moment. Your car that you wax every weekend during the summer, do you buy your wife flowers every weekend too? Or the cell phones that never leave our sides, do we take such notice and care to regarding the food we put in our bodies?  I think you get my point, I hope so...

   I'm not standing on a soap box as I type this, I'm guilty on where my priorities are, I write these blogs more for me than for all of you. I'm just hoping to start some kind of a revolution here, one that's filled with love instead of hatred. I know the word love gets tossed around an awful lot but is it really love???

   What else does the teacher say in this book?

   "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is a gift from God." Ecc 3:12-13

   Oh I love this book!
   ... set eternity in the hearts of men? Somewhere deep within us, we know this isn't it. I think to fill the void, the grasping and grabbing, we try to fill this "knowing" with everything imaginable other than God. Oh yeah... guilty. I used to love shopping, it made me happy for a little while, then I'd find something else that I wanted.

   "There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. 'For whom am I toiling' he asked, 'And why and I depriving myself of enjoyment.'  -This too is meaningless- a miserable business." Ecc 4:8

  That's really sad, all that stuff and work put into it, with no one to share it with. Notice, the teacher says, 'miserable' here? It is miserable and lonely and meaningless!

   "Naked a man comes from the womb, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand." Ecc 5:15

    When you pass on, who gets your empire? Okay, so you have a beneficiary designated. Will they spend it wisely? Share the wealth while you're here, at least then you'll be obeying Gods commands AND you'll know where the good are going.

   "The man who fears God will avoid all extremes." Ecc 7:18

   All extremes of what? (to paraphrase) perishing in righteousness, wickedness, overly righteous, foolishness...

   "Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every detail into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." Ecc 12:13-14

   Why these? These are some of my favorites from this book, outlining some of the key points made through out the book. What good is wealth with no one to share it with? Finding satisfaction in what we're doing, knowing that it's a blessing from God, not just luck or fate. We came here with nothing, we will leave with nothing... It's not depressing, it's just facts. Solomon, who was said to be the wisest man to have ever lived is the one known to have written this book. The entire book is packed with wisdom. Wisdom is what he was known for.

   Keep Gods commandments... Jesus came and had what is often referred to as the greatest commandment. It's found in Matthew 22:36-40

   "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Jesus replied; "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it; 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."

   If you're loving God with all you have and loving others, which often gives birth to enjoyment in what you do while you spend your days under the sun... This is the point of life then, isn't it? So If you've even wondered what the point to life is, this is it. The root of it is love, love God and love others.

   Hey, thanks for reading along with me. Read Ecclesiastes on your own if you wish, it really is a fantastic book. And it's not break neck long either.

   Love! It's all about love, the real kind. Not the manufactured garbage the world pumps out, love originates from God. We can love others because He loved us first.


 

Reflections

     I remember my 20's... They weren't that long ago, really. But I often wonder where they went and what the hell happened?
    I remember the days of not having an agenda; sleeping until I just woke up, working so I had enough money for the essentials and a whole lot of fun...
 
     What makes my 20's even stranger is how at times, I feel like I'm a 15 year old trapped in a 30 somethings body. I look at my three kids someday's and think to myself, I'm somebody's mother? It's not that I never thought I'd have kids, I knew I always wanted to, it just seems like sometimes it snuck up so fast on me. As if it were an over night thing, like BAM here you go- 3 kids...
 
     What on earth happened? When did life get so serious? Or at least it sure feels that way. Life the last several years has felt like a list of don't do's. I miss trying new things and going new places... I miss having fun.

   I know of a real turning point for me and not for the better either... When Cookie was born. You know that moment right before something really bad is about to happen? You're frozen in place, watching, waiting for the impact? If you've ever been in a car accident that you saw coming, you know what I'm talking about then. I've been living there, someday's. I'm holding my breath, I'm braced for impact, my eyes widened... I've been there for over two years.

   The strange thing is, we've had some really good days lately. The weather has been warm and the sun has been shining bright. It's the perfect combination for Cookie to have a good day and she's been having a lot more of them lately. I've even been laughing a bit more, smiling and doting upon how "good" things have been but somewhere in me, I'm still posed for disaster.

    Jesus said He came to give us life to the full. That scripture often cycles through my mind. I'm not living. Not even close. Someday's I come to the conclusion that I left my heart bleeding on the floor of that hospital where one of our worst nightmares came true. At least we thought it was a nightmare...

    In the midst of this great trial, we've discovered what a blessing all of this is. Now, I've never been the greatest at coping with the hard stuff, I've been accustomed to just shutting down. It's always been easier to deal with the pain that way. Due to the nature of this life lesson, being that it isn't temporary or so it seems, it's going to last a while... I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to learn how to live like this... Really live, not just get by. Though I've been walking it out for over two years now, it's time to pull the veil down and feel everything again, even if it hurts.

   I don't think anyone likes pain... I've endured three labor's; an unhealthy helping of dental pain, heartache, broken bones, wounds etc. But I don't know many that would willingly walk into it, yelling; "hit me again."

    We're all here, walking through fire just to get to the other side. Everyone's blaze looks different from the next guy or gal's. We've all come from different places, gone through different things and were affected by those things respective to who we are. It's shaped us.

    I've thought a lot about how I want this to shape me... It's already begun but I just need to let go and let the Lord go to work on me. I don't know most days what it is that I'm holding onto? Am I afraid that I'll lose myself? The person I once knew myself to be? I know I'm not her anymore. If there is anything that I do know, it's that after everything we've been through the last couple of years, we could never be those people again. We've been forever changed. I take heart in knowing that I'm closer to being like Jesus than I ever was. I feel it in my heart. That is the ultimate goal while I'm here, after all.  "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35

     We didn't think this was what we signed up for but it was, walking with the Lord. It was bigger than my "down for whatever" mentality that I had when I was in my 20's. In my 20's I was reckless and didn't really care about anything or anyone but myself. When I came to Jesus, I did sign up for "down for whatever." I am to "take up my cross daily." I still have a long way to go, being more like Jesus. I'm a work in progress. I'd rather be plodding forward than just sitting and sulking over what I thought could have been.

   I know that was a hang up of mine, the picture I had in my head. It looks nothing like what I see. It wasn't a part of the plan. But how often for life look like the picture in your head? We often think we know whats best for us. The easier way through life. The un-messy life. You know what, I'd get bored. I do that... I get bored pretty easily, I really do.

    I've been challenged to live a life without boredom. Sure, I have days that I get bored, plenty of them. But they're messy days. They're unpredictable days. In my 20's, everything was pretty predictable. It was perfect for who I was then but not for who I am now. Fortunately, I've evolved beyond that woman. I care a lot more. I love a lot harder, I finally know what love really is. It's taken me all of this to learn what love is. I know that the whole point of being here is love... The world is missing the point or hatred is masked as love. Think about that one and what you see all around you now. That's another story for another day.

   Another scripture that has been coming to mind lately has been: "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39

   I think about it often, handing over the vision I had in my head in exchange for what the Lord has in store for me. I surrender! Again, I surrender... I can't keep fighting what is for what I thought I wanted. Okay Lord, give me your vision. Show me what you want, I want to love like you do. And help me to choose peace about it rather than feeling defeated.

    When I feel like I just can't do it anymore, that still small voice reminds me I'm not alone. Keep going! C'mon, this way love, you've got it. Don't give up now...

    I know that I won't have it my way, it's getting my mind to agree with what my heart already knows.

    My 20's are gone, along with a wayward life. I have more purpose now than I ever did before and I'm working on embracing His vision. Here we go...

The American Farmacy part 2

    I had committed to posting an update whether anyone wanted to read it or not, so just deal with it... haha. Kidding, kidding. You guys know I'm not that mean.

    So after two weeks of eating Vegan, I'm beginning to feel better. I think I've actually been detoxing from what little dairy I had left in my diet. And I think my body was a little confused when I started giving it non-animal protein too. No ill effects though, so that's been fantastic.
   
    I immediately noticed a change in my energy level, I don't seem to hit that 2:30 in the afternoon lull where I just want to pass out. I also used to hit another wall around 8pm where I was just done but of course, having little ones- that isn't possible. Any of you who have read past blogs, you would know I have a pretty demanding lifestyle, even though I don't go many places- at least not lately. I have a 3 1/2 month old and a special needs 2 year old. I need a desperate amount of energy.

   I embarked on this journey not only for myself but also for them. I wanted to revolutionize the way my family sees food and the way we eat it. I wanted to replace the pharmacy with a farmacy. Our food being our medicine. So far, after all I've read and applying it to myself I think it's going to work out just fine.

  I'd been riddled with stomach problems since I was 8 years old, I understand now more than ever why. It's been the food I was eating. We just don't seem to be designed to eat meat, granted, it seems a lot of us have adapted to it though. Since I've switched to an all plant based diet, which is a life style change, rather than a diet (I don't do diets) I haven't had acid reflux even once. And without trying I've lost 6 pounds.

    This week, I've decided I'm going to try at least 2 new vegetables and continue to do so as the weeks pass. I was never much for veggies unless they were soaked in cheese when I was younger. But now that I've been eating them consistently, I actually want more of them. I've gone back to eating nut mixes and seeds again, which I enjoy. They're a good source of protein, calcium and good fats.

   One day, hopefully sooner than later, we'll have a large yard where the majority of it will be a garden. It's something I'm looking forward to. For now, my little patio garden will have to do, alongside the local organic food store.

   I feel blessed to have stumbled upon this new lifestyle, I had never intended on going vegan but I'm glad that I did. Based on what I've seen, read and watched, things can only get better from here on out. My next step is more exercise, yoga is working for me for right now but I know I need to get out there and just move more.

    My life has literally been on lock down for the last 3 years between 2 pregnancies and taking care of one special needs baby and now a new born. Whew... It's exhausting just thinking about it... But I'm gonna do it and we're gonna do it together. My little guy is getting bigger and seemingly more social. My two year old really likes getting out of the house but sometimes has complete melt downs. Guess it comes with the territory, so there will be some planning involved. Most of all, I'm just determined.

The American Farmacy

   I might make some folks mad with this one but we're the only ones to blame for relinquishing any sense of control.
   I embarked on a journey 7 years ago getting into natural health and pursuing a degree. It was sadly cut short when the school closed for lack of funding. Since then I've carried on my search, personally and have turned up a plethora of interesting results.
  I still have my own personal struggles in this area but any of you that know my heart, I enjoy sharing while I'm learning too. But this... I have to share and I have to jump head long into.
  It takes your body 10 years to completely rebuild itself, it was designed that way by God. Your brain; a year, bones 3 months, blood 4 months, skin 1 month, DNA 2 months, you liver 6 weeks, stomach 5 days and lungs 2-3 weeks. Not everything would be as new again but it would begin rebuilding healthy cells, once toxins are removed.
   What are these toxins? Additives in the food; smoking, drinking, drug usage, environmental toxins, poor diet, poor sleep and a lack of exercise. Depending on where you grew up some of these things may not be a problem for you. It's never too late to make a change now if you struggle with any of these.
  Haven't you wanted to feel good? Be full of energy? Take a deep breath of cleaner air? I know I sure do that's why it's time for yet another round of dropping off the dead weight. Thankfully, my husband is on board.
   I've had a sugar craze since I was a kid. I blame it mostly on poor habits when I was younger and the goodies weren't stored somewhere I couldn't get to them. So I ate as I pleased. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I developed gestational diabetes, meaning it would go away after she was born. It did. But it also puts me in the risk for diabetes later in life, that sucks.
   As Americans we consume 150-170 pounds of sugar a year, sugar is in everything, hidden and tucked away under clever names. In the 1800's the average sugar consumption was around 18 pounds a year and in the 1900's it jumped to 60 pounds. As time has ticked on sugar consumption has risen and so has sickness and disease. This is no coincidence.
   Our meals are conveniently packaged for us or delivered through a drive through window- for our convenience, of course. All the while we're getting sicker and sicker eating our way to a less healthy and less convenient life style.
   We also eat way too much meat in this country. Don't get me wrong, I love my chicken and pig products and I used to love cow until my body completely rejected it. Sadly, we just weren't made to eat all this meat. But where will be get protein??? Google it! Leafy greens and legumes, even nuts have plenty of protein. It isn't absolutely vital to our survival to scarf down meat.
   We've been spoon fed so many lies about the food we consume and the drugs that we take it's baffling. Few have been willing to question it. But why? Why have we become a country that seeks control over everything except our own bodies? Because we're told we have to do this or that. Or take this or that because if you don't you'll die? That's insane!
   The way I'm beginning to see it, it's very black and white, very obvious. It leads me back to a story in the Bible where Daniel challenged the king to allow him and his men to eat their own diet. The other men remained on the king's apportioned diet, comprised of meat and other things. After several days Daniel and his men appeared to be healthier and stronger than the king's men.
   That says something to me. It's Biblical to eat more fruits and veggies. God made them. You can purchase them organic and non-GMO now. I'm not even going to rip into GMO at this point, this post would be miles long.
   I'm going to challenge myself from here on out to do something better for myself. I don't expect you to dear reader but please do at least consider. Do some research yourself, you'd be foolish not to. There are several good documentaries out there to watch too, I'll list them at the bottom. My challenge, to incorporate as many fruits and veggies into my diet as humanly possible. And eventually, I'd like to be all fruits, veggies and grain. It's going to take some skillfulness in the kitchen as my sweet tooth doesn't think it sounds appetizing but I sure want to wake up feeling recharged and ready for the day. After 3 kids and getting sleep when we can (It's slowly getting better) I wake up in the morning foggy eyed and in dire need of caffeine to function. As much as I enjoy my caffeine, I know there will be a day when I will no longer need it because my body will be functioning as it should.
   If anyone is honestly inspired by this post leave a comment and I'll post updates on my blogspot. But for now (deep breath) wish me luck!



Documentaries:
Fork over knife
Food Inc.
Vegucated
Food matters
Supersize me
Hungry for change

Indie authors

I know I steal my time, writing... These 5 minutes have been stolen and I'll probably have to write this blog in bits and pieces.
I can't speak for every Indie writer but I can speak for myself.

       Someday's it amazes me what I have to do or go through just to sit down in front of the computer and write. Sometime's I have a baby slung over my shoulder or on my lap while I'm editing. Someday's getting a little work done is ten times harder than it should be. At times all I can think about is writing but I just can't quite get to it. It feels like two lovers kept from each other, dying to be together again.
   
     God be praised that my laptop hasn't actually collected dust in a while... That's a sad sight.
Why am I writing this blog today? I just want to tell you on behalf of myself and writers all over the place, Indie authors are wonderful... We're a band of fighting dreamers. Our time is had when the whole family is asleep at 3 am or in the 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there or while caring for their little ones. At least I know that's me... I don't have time carved out in the week but I do know that at some point, I'm going to steal it. I live in the land of cold left-overs and being on call 24 hours a day, I don't necessarily get breaks.

    When you purchase an Indie authors work, you purchase a dream they sent out into the world to share with you. You buy their late night; their tears, exhaustion and victory. We are a victorious bunch, really... We're not waiting for the someday or the maybe tomorrow... We've realized that there may not be a someday or a tomorrow. Do it today! My subconscious calls. Do it today! I have to do it today, someday may never come...

   As I've been writing this, 45 minutes have already lapsed... I was feeding my youngest a bottle while typing and eating a cold breakfast wrap. Life continues to trek on while my aspirations continue to come at me like waves of thought. I know that I write because I can't NOT write. It's a part of who I am. I know it's that way for others like me, it's like breathing.

   Self published and Indie authors aren't always writing just to make a buck. I know I'm not. Sure, it comes with the territory but that's not why I write and publish. I have stories to tell and I hope you enjoy them. They're a part of me... I hope they change you or impact your life someway or another. Or that you understand the lesson in them because there's always a lesson. It's probably one that I had to learn the hard way. I write about the things I know or things that are an inch away from my own personal experiences or topics that intrigue me. If I didn't writing would be flat and boring, there would be no heart in it. As a reader myself, you can tell when the heart is out of it. I'm not the best at my craft but I'm an expert in my stories because they're my dreams spilled out onto pages.

   I can't speak on behalf of the many but if you know any Indie authors share their stuff, write reviews for them. That's how we thrive. They're hard working individuals who are probably juggling multiple lives within their one life. They may be packing 36 hours worth of work into a 24 hour period. Thank you for reading this blog, it means a lot to me...

Have a blessed day!

Surrender...

        It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
       Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
      It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
     My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
     I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
     My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
    They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
    So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
    I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
     We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
     Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
     I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
     It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
     The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
      As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
     I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
    I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.