I needed a place to go today.

I needed a place to go today, not a place to air all my grievances but a place where I could just feel safe to share what is on my heart and on my mind today. Somewhere, someone would understand... So, naturally I turn to the Holy Spirit, who can decipher even my deep signs and groans.

I know I have not written here in a very long time but it has actually been a really difficult year, plagued with many lengthy hospital visits for Cookiepants. She is home, we got home again this past Saturday. We had such high hopes for this last visit, a surgery that in theory would have alleviatedI some of her digestive discomfort. But here we are staring into the face of the same beast that has troubled her since birth, manifesting itself as uncontrollable screaming and punching and being generally inconsolable.

I cry out to the Holy Spirit for His help and His guidance every single day. Whom else should I cry out to but my Father? He is filled with all knowledge and wisdom and is the only one who has what I need. Whether it be comfort or wisdom, He has it. And honestly, I just like spending time with Him. He gets me.

Being a special needs parent has not gotten easier. You just get to a place where you are pushed beyond your, "never will I ever's" and you fix your messy bun, refill your tea mug with the strongest tea you can import and you deal. You stare into the face of all the things you never wanted to do, all of the things no parent ever dreams about doing. In our case, many days have been an especially tailored nightmare. We do our best every single day but some days it just isn't enough.

While we were in the hospital, I prayed and asked God what He wanted me to do. The Holy Spirit whispered, "Sara, you have the ability to bring a bit of heaven with you where ever you go." So I took Him at His word and viewed the hospital as not just somewhere people go to get better (hopefully) but as a Holy Spirit playground. I saw opportunities all over the place to pray for others and lay hands on people in prayer. Back in July when there was the chance that we could have lost Lily, I wasn't going to let her very poor condition stop me from being hopeful for her and for others. I cheered when I saw children going home, knowing my child was going to be there for at least another 10 days. I celebrated the work I saw God doing all over that place. I celebrated when Lily broke through her poor diagnosis and began getting better again. I celebrated when her partial blockage was discovered in her stomach because at least we knew about one more missing piece to the puzzle.

There continues to be so much that we just don't know. This week, in spite of being fed into her intestines, she is still cranky and angry. It would be so easy for me to feel sorry for us and feel defeated but I am just not going to. We have come too far and God has given us too many promises in His Word to neglect even a single one, though things look quite grim today. I don't know what is wrong, I do not know how to fix it but I know that He does.

We are tired. This has been an epic-ally long battle where the fires continue to rage on. I am only one woman but fortunately, I have an entire army standing behind me, because my Father tells me so. No matter how this all shakes out, we will not be defeated, we will not have lost and I will not stop serving my God.

For now, we will hold tight to His promises because they are quite literally all that we have. We have done everything medically that there has been offered to do. Special needs parenting often translates to waiting, a lot. And so we wait. We wait for God to carry out His promises, for the things decreed over our lives to come to fruition, for the prophesies to be made manifest. We await the move of God, because nothing and no one can stop the will of God for our lives, not even the enemy of our souls. God's will is ALWAYS; wholeness, wellness and peace for our body, mind and soul. Nothing less. What I see before me is irrelevant. What God says is what is the truth. That is all I need to know. And that is where I will stay. 

The goodness of God, a testimony

     It's been a few days since we got home from our little adventure and if you follow along, you've likely seen some pictures. We left our house Wednesday afternoon without a plan, other than to get in the vicinity of where we needed to be on Thursday night. Most people that I know who have kids go to great lengths to plan out everything for a trip. We did not. It was part of the plan, to not have a plan, just a destination.

   We made our way through the most beautiful parts of Wisconsin, the Western side of course. We stopped off for an impromptu visit with my husband's former college buddy in the LaCrosse area. That was a great way to carry on in our trip. I had long joked that these people he had spoke of were a figment of his imagination, so it was nice to finally meet them! This was also an opportunity for Judah to get out and walk around. He couldn't contain his excitement.

   The bluffs and the winding roads were beautiful as we drove along, there was always something to look at. Both kids sat quietly in their seats in the back, looking out the window. I did however play the nunu and bottle dropping game with Lily, many many times. Crossing the Mississippi never ceases to amaze me! The sheer size and force of such a river leaves me in awe every time.

     We arrived in Burnsville around dinner time, which was perfect because we were so hungry. Another opportunity for Judah to get out and stretch his legs, he stood in line to order our dinner with me. Arriving safely anywhere, to me, is a miracle all in it's own. Traveling along the freeway at 70+ miles per hour. Need I say more? When we arrived at our hotel with food bag in hand (Chipotle) I looked out to see the tall buildings of the city in the distance. I took in a deep breath and smiled, that was where we were headed on a mission tomorrow.

   Our hotel room had one king size bed, which was going to be interesting but I knew we would manage. We were just happy to have a place to lay our head for the night and settle in to make it home for the evening. Lily slept like a log, which was unusual, she usually tossed around a lot while sleeping. So I actually woke up several time to place my hand on her to make sure she was still okay. I know, total mom move.

    My husband was in charge of figuring the right hotel for the next day, I knew he would get it right. The room wasn't going to be available until 3 pm, so we had some time to kill. So when you're in Minnesota, where else can you go to kill some time other than the Mall of America? Oh my goodness, I had no idea! I felt like I was in candy-land or something! I was nearly moved to tears at the sight of it and we were there together as a family! We don't get out much together between the difficulty of pulling something off and with my husbands work schedule.

   Both kids seemed to be just about as excited as I was, in spite of not quite understanding where we were or what we were doing there. As a side note, there was Moose garb everywhere, so I was one happy woman! We made our way to the food area (one of the many) and found another Chipotle. (We lived off of Chipotle for 3 days) We sat down in an area over looking the amusement park area, beside Lego land. While eating, I looked over at the kids, whose faces were fixed on the largest Transformer made from Legos. I just laughed, watching their expressions. At this point my husbands mom arrived to meet us, as she only lived 2 hours north of where we were. It was so good to see her and that she was able to join us. We walked around for a while, I took a lot of pictures and showed some general self restraint in the store that looked to me to be a "Everything has a Moose on it" store but really, it was a Minnesota store. Ha!

    It was time to head to our downtown hotel, which just so happened to be right next door to where the conference was being held. That was another God thing. My husband set out on the trolly to get some bottled water. I went outside for a bit, Jake's Mom stayed with the kids. While I was outside, I learned that the main speaker at the conference was also staying in our hotel. It was at this point that I knew God was up to something. What are the chances?

    I was ready to go back in but I felt the Spirit tell me, stay a little longer. So, I did. I watched people walk by, living their lives, going where ever it was they were going. About five minutes passed and two men pulled up, rather built men. They were wearing lanyards from the conference, they told the valet guy that they were there to pick someone up. All I could think was- really? Do I get to meet him? It was about 5 minutes later that I felt the Spirit tell me to go back in, even though I dragged my feet a bit, arguing that I hadn't seen him yet, I still obeyed. I rounded the corner to the elevator, lo and behold, there were the men I saw earlier. I struck up a conversation with them, as I usually do with just about anybody. I told them we were in town for the conference and that we had brought our daughter to be prayed over by Todd. I asked if he still does that. They told me if the opportunity presented itself. The elevator dinged and off the elevator strode Todd. I just laughed and said, Hey man, I was just talking about you! He stopped and looked at me and smiled. So, I just said, we'll see you at the conference tonight! He said great, Bless you!

   I got in the elevator and shook my head laughing. The irony. I don't believe in coincidences and it was furthermore confirmation that God was indeed up to something big.

   I must add this here, the night before we left, the Holy Spirit brought a scripture to my mind. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

    This was the mindset going into this whole adventure. As Bill Johnson so lovingly puts it, we set out on an adventure seeking God, setting up an "ambush" for Him, anticipating that He would show up where ever we were. And It had already been evident that He was here. I told my mother in law what had just happened and of course, told my husband. I could feel the Spirit stirring within me even more. I couldn't be more excited about this conference!

    Soon the time came to head over to the conference. It was loud, Lily hadn't napped, so naturally, she wasn't handling things very well. She eventually completely and utterly had a meltdown. My husband strolled around with her as much as he could. I took her for a turn and rocked her, calming her a bit. I put her back in the stroller, she finally fell asleep. I think we all sighed a breath of relief, as she had been crying and carrying on for sometime. Judah, was mostly happy the entire night, as he usually is.

   We got to hear as much of the message as we could. It was a great message as it always is, it's truth and love and conviction all wrapped into one. I love hearing the hard stuff because it pushes me to forfeit another part of me that truly isn't mine to hang onto. I came into following Jesus with little understanding of what was to be achieved in me and through me. But after some time following Him, I've come to adore the pruning and the changes made. At the end of the day, if I'm walking in the Spirit, I have no regrets and my feelings haven't been hurt by anyone because my identity is in Him, not in what someone says about me. That's good stuff, right?

   Sadly, Lily woke up screaming. My husband took her back out again, this time back to the hotel. He told me to text him when the healing prayer was to begin. The altar call was made, many many people went up to the front to accept Christ as their Savior. This always overwhelms me with a deep joy in my heart, moves me to tears every time! I text my husband that healing was next. They weren't making their way back just yet. I was standing holding Judah, praying and singing along with the throng of people. I told my mother in law that I hoped he got back over here with Lily soon because this was what we were here for.

   Todd began to pray for healing for people, we all shouted out with all our might that these various afflictions be gone in Jesus name. It was beautiful to see and to feel the presence of God so heavily upon the place. Tears streamed down my face from a mixture of joy and sadness as Lily was not there. We sang aloud as a group, I was filled joy once more as I took account of the fact that I was there holding my son at a God filled conference. Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and joy from God that I was privileged to do something like that. I felt so over joyed to be able to share something like that with my son. Though Lily and my husband weren't there, I felt nothing but love.

   A man approached me to pray for my back, as I was sore from holding Judah for quite a while. I asked him to pray with me for Lily too. So he did, he shared a testimony about a little girl being restored from downs syndrome. Of course I cried because I know God still performs miracles. As we prayed together, I wept and claimed everything we prayed about in Jesus name.

   I had text my husband that I needed him to come back because Judah was drunk with being tired and needed the stroller. I didn't say much when I saw him, I wasn't mad. I took to heart the things that were prayed for on Lily's behalf, I knew regardless of her presence there, God was working on her behalf. As we walked along, I had a feeling in my spirit I don't believe I had ever felt. I was wrecked, I was absolutely wrecked for God. He did something in my heart during this conference. It's not something I can put my finger on but something had changed yet again within me.

   We got up to the hotel room and my husband asked very calmly, do you want to hear my story? He was smiling, I knew that smile.
   Yes! Let's hear it.
    "So, I made my way back over to the depot to pick you guys up and I took the back way in, as I usually do anywhere. I was there waiting for the elevator and ding, there was Todd with two guys." He smiled.
    "Shut up!" I interrupted.
    "I told him I was there for prayer for Lily. Todd said, I already know. I asked him if he wanted some background, he said no, that he already knew what she needed. So, he knelt down and prayed for total restoration over her body and something about cerebral. I got her out of the stroller and asked Lily if she wanted to touch Todd's face. Todd said, she already did touch my face. So, I explained to him, that means she loves you. People were beginning to gather around, so I told Todd he'd better get out of there. He gave me a hug and said, I love you man. And told me he would continue to pray for Lily." My husband was still smiling as he recalled his encounter.

   "Well, what did you think of all of this? What did you do?" I probed.

    "I laughed."

    "Laughed?"

    "Because God."

   I knew what he meant by his statement, "Because God."
  So, I thought I was wrecked after the conference, I was completely wrecked now. My husband and I went outside and talked some more, I laughed and sobbed at the same time, thinking about God's goodness and faithfulness. I can't help but well up just typing this for you to read dear friend.

   Lily has improved since the encounter. It's all miraculous, whether it's radical or it's minor things. We've seen improvements on her focus, her tracking, her attention and seeing all around more joy in her demeanor. She's had "the gigs" more since we've been home.

   My greatest take away from this entire experience, God is faithful but not always in the ways we think He will show up. I think He enjoys breaking us out of the boxes we've placed Him in or the list of ways He works. This testimony is a testament to this statement. God showed up. He gave us the faith to believe He would. Even the faith we have is a gift from Him! Our desire to see our daughter healed and made whole, is also a desire He placed in our hearts. That desire isn't there to tease us, it's there to push up to press into Him even harder for a breakthrough.

       I can't exaggerate God's goodness and my mere words can't possibly even touch on the impact of His goodness and love but I try. Lily has two parents who won't quit, God placed that in us. He put that "fight" into us and He placed it in her too. So, friends, take this testimony however you wish to take it. I pray for strength and courage over your lives and your spirits. I pray for a fighting spirit within you. I pray you press into God no matter what the circumstances around you look like. I pray that you rest in His love and are enveloped by His peace. Seek Him, He's the only One that can make sense of this crazy, mixed up, broken down world we live in. Let's seek to expand His rule and His territory on earth. God bless you all.

 

Silence

     Sometimes silence is birthed through discontentment. Shutting things down because what you see around you isn't what you want to carry with you. If you're not careful, it becomes like a shadow or a carefully placed residue on you.

    Have you ever had that happen? Spent time with someone who was in a horrid mood and when you departed from their presence, you felt amiss— to say the least? I don't want that in my life right now and I certainly don't need it either. I'm on a mission. And this mission will not be hindered or stopped.

    I've been taking an extended break, for the most part from social media. I'm still on Instagram and Pinterest because those places aren't overcome with disparity and wickedness. The fun has, in my eyes, for the most part been removed from other social media outlets. I'm not sad about my recent removal, It's been quite enlightening. I knew God was going to have a plan for this period of time and He most certainly has been faithful— as expected.

    Everyday is nothing short of miraculous, if you're looking for it. We woke up again today. We have another chance. Isn't that enough?

    I think of the movie Gladiator, where Maximus slays in the coliseum and yells to the crowd, "Are you not entertained?" Because they weren't. They were borderline bored. That's us, as a people. What entertains us? We seek to be entertained at every moment of the day. This mentality, has been a part of my mission, the un-doing of being a typical American and stepping into my rightful lineage of mighty woman of God. I feel it necessary to mention here that the only reason why it is my rightful lineage is because Jesus Christ died for me and became my Savior. He took the punishment for my sins and misgivings. And in turn, I'm set on yielding myself to His working within me. I will not stop. I will not be distracted by the things of the world because boy, they are dead set on keeping me from running this race!

     "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24

    When God points out your next move, run! Run like you've never ran before. Don't stop for anything. Don't turn your face to the right or to the left, just keep on running. When you're on a mission, don't stop. The enemy will try and distract you if he hasn't already succeeded at stopping you. He's a savage, he doesn't care one bit about us. He has all the allure of a dead and rotting corpse. But don't cash in for his plan, which may sound nice or sounds like it will be a short cut to where you need to go. But you will not have completed your mission as God had originally set you forth to do.

    This world has a plethora of distractions. They come in the form of games; TV shows, apps, perceived needs, goals set forth by worldly wisdom. But what are we really achieving to unless it is for the furtherance of the Kingdom? Whatever we do that isn't in line with God's will for our lives will be cast into the fire. (Matt 7:19, Matt 3:10, John 15:6)

    So, what is it that I'm supposed to be doing with my time then? I'm coming to find it's a lot less complicated than I thought... This has been an interesting journey I've been on and it seems as though it's just beginning, really.

   "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27

   "Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give." Matthew 10:8

    This is what normal should look like. This is what it is supposed to look like. This is what I strive to attain. This was the great commission, it was meant for you and I too. We may not have been standing there that day hearing it but it's just as valid today as it was then. Because: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

    Nothing has changed, only our perception. If we regard the Bible as truth then this is our life. This is what we strive toward. This is God's will, bringing the Kingdom to earth— "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10 
     Because that's what Jesus did while He was here. If you're a Christian- a follower of Christ then this is what you do.

    Now that I've discovered that this really is supposed to be my reality too, I won't stop until it is. I don't stand condemned, nor should you. I feel a fire rising up within me to seek God more than ever and grow closer in communion and in friendship with Him than ever. He knows I'm a stubborn woman and He also knows He can use that to His glory and I am more than happy to lend myself to Him. I am more than happy to live for Him. Because He has made eternity possible for me. He has blessed me beyond measure. He has loved me more in one moment than anyone can manage in a lifetime. He is my heavenly Father.

    I hope this has encouraged you today. It has encouraged me in my seeking and my perceived silence in the virtual world of the internet. But I have been far from silent, I've been pressing in and asking questions that only my Father has answers to.

    My request today; let us stop wasting time screwing around with time wasters and momentary distractions and start doing things that move the heart of the Father. Let us live from a Kingdom minded standpoint. Let us love the way He loves and do as He does. Jesus did what He saw the Father doing and this too, was our directive because we follow after Him.

   Be blessed today friends, bless others.

What good is Truth?

    According to one poll, 83% of American's identify themselves as Christian. While another poll cited that 70% considered themselves Christians, and nearly half shared that they attended church on Sundays.
     Let's take the lower number for this blog, let's stay with the 70% for a moment. Taking into account that 70% of American's consider themselves Christians, is it believable that our country is in the state that it's in?

    According to some data online (search yourself if you'd like) On average, 93 American's are killed with guns in a day. There are 12,000 gun related homicides in a year. In 4 months time, as of this moment right now, there have been 342,135 abortions. (romans322.comdaily-death-rate-statistics.php) I've only taken murder as an example because it is the most extreme form of violence- the taking of someones life, a person who doesn't want to die. Every being, the moment it begins to take a life form, yes, at the moment of conception, that being begins to have a "will." People have been murdered since the beginning of time.

     "Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering— fat potions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked  with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. Then the Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.' Now Cain said to his brother Abel, 'Let's go out to the field.' While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him." Genesis 4:3-8 MSG

     Doesn't that just make you sad? More than sad, grieved? God even had a pep talk with him about doing what is right and yet he still carried out his plan to kill his brother. If we as the 70% of Christians in the US, if we were doing what is right, do you think there would be as many murders as there are in our country? We don't have the authority to take another persons life! I know, you're thinking- I've never murdered anyone... Okay, let's move onto something a bit lighter but problematic, because— a sin, is a sin, is a sin.

     I really enjoy reading my Bible, like look forward to it each day. I can't wait to spend time with my Daddy at the end of the day. I love going to sleep with His word on my mind. I tell you what though, it's worthless unless I actually apply it to my life. THIS is where we get these statistics of the 70%-83% of Americans being Christians. This is where the truth come ushering in.

    "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." James 1:23-24

    "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:22

    Can you imagine looking in the mirror, walking away and forgetting what you just saw? It's as though you never looked in the mirror at all. Or committing to sitting down to watch your favorite movie of all time, spending two hours watching it and not remembering a single thing you just saw. James is a difficult book to read for many, it stings to read such things that remind us how senseless it is to read the Bible and do nothing about it— living as though we've never read a single page. To put it another way, writing on your resume for a job that you know how to tear down the engine of a car and rebuild it. You get hired, based on this admission. Your boss sets you to work, you have an engine to tear down and  rebuild. You haven't the faintest idea how to do it, finally, you admit to him that you read about it once. How much longer will you have that job, if you're not fired on the spot. This is something we can't fail at friends! This is not the time to be hearers and not doers. Our fellow humans need us. They need us to be who we say we are. Have you considered that this is why some folks don't like "us?" Because we're just as nasty as the rest of the world and yet, we claim to be something else? If you're not applying what the Bible says or what you hear at church on Sunday, you're deceived and you're doing nothing more than keeping a seat warm at church.

    "If i could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophesy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

   "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Love is patient... keeps no record of wrong... never gives up... endures in every circumstance... They're just words if they're not lived out. Do you have any idea how often this scripture is used during wedding vows? But the truth is, the love that is spoken of is to be applied— everywhere and to everyone!

     "A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you live one another." John 13:34-35

    Jesus loved us so much He died and rose again. That's some serious love. I still can't, at times, wrap my head around that one. Not only did He die for me, He died for everyone. We are called to love everyone. "Yeah but this one woman I work with always says horrible things to me." "There's this one girl scout mom who gossips untrue things about me." "This one guy is just a ****."

    I know... It's not easy. And sometimes we just don't want to love but this is where yielding comes in. Yielding to the Jesus within us. He's in there if we have a relationship with Him and if we're in the Word everyday. It's a matter of setting our flesh aside and yielding to His will which loves at all times. Oh my gosh, the blessing! The pure and utter blessing it is to be like Christ and to be Christ to others! Leave people wondering "What is so different about him or her?" Don't you want to be that person? Don't you want to be an individual and not blend in with the pale landscape of the crowd? Oh man, the life! Doing everything as unto the Lord gives so much more meaning to life! Life will never be boring or pointless ever again, I assure you of that.

    We need to stop just being "hearers" and become faith in action. Become love in action. Can you imagine what our country would look like if the 83% that claimed to be Christians behaved like followers of Christ? Or even the 70%? Think about that for a moment. 7 out of 10 people you encountered acted or spoke from a heart full of love. The ripple effect that would occur, if the 3 that are cut from the equation came toe to toe with Christ every single day, being the minority- possibly wondering if possibly the way they're living isn't right. Maybe they don't have to be angry all the time. Maybe they don't have to hate. Maybe they can be kind. Can you imagine the influence for the Kingdom you would have? All for God's glory and how beautiful it is!

    Go and BE Jesus to others. Go out and love. Go out and love on others from the outpouring of Christ's love in your heart. If you're not familiar enough with God's word, don't be afraid to read it. In fact get excited about reading it, it will change you but I guarantee it will change you for the better. It has that effect on us, it's a beautiful thing. All glory and praise to God! All for His glory!

     Be blessed today friends by blessing others.

Today is your day!

       We don't often have "easy" days. You know, the days where you wake up feeling refreshed; eat a great breakfast and break into the day slowly. The day continues on with few bends and certainly no fractures. It's quiet and peaceful, the day tarries on just as planned. And you snuggle into bed peacefully at the end of the day.

     Every night I have a prayer that has been etched into my heart— Wake me if they need me. This morning I awoke to Cookiepants gagging. She's had a rough couple of days, which is a great understatement. Two nights ago, she entering into the worst gagging/choking jag I'd ever seen. She wasn't choking on anything other than what was likely reflux. This has been going on since birth. We've been witness and active participants to this for over 3 years. In truth, we've never gotten used to it, not in full.

    If ever there were a time I wished I could impress my will upon a situation, it would be now. This child has seen every specialist under the sun. She's even had a surgery that was supposed to resolve 80% of the issues surrounding her reflux. We are 4 months beyond from the surgery and some of the issues have gone away but some of the most life threatening ones are still lurking. This child has been prayed over and for by the hundreds. I believe that simple fact is one of the prevailing reasons she's still here with us today.

    What is my will for Cookiepants?
My will is that she would be maximized to the greatest degree with which she can go. My prayer for her is being whole and living a life of fullness. My prayer is that life wouldn't be so bloody painful and such a great struggle for her. That all her tears would be replaced with laughter. Her fear would be replaced with certainty. That she would be able to do and accomplish the same things that we do with ease. I can't possibly explain the ache in my heart for her. I can't paint a picture, exactly of what I see.

    I have however accepted where we are, I just can't allow the hope of something vastly different die.     What do I know?

   "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14  

   "And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6

    "People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the child in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them," Mark 10:13-16

    Cookiepants was knit together by my heavenly Father in my womb. She was wonderfully made. She is seated in the heavenly realms with Christ Jesus- she is already made perfect there! She is dearly loved and blessed by Jesus. Jesus loved children more than we could ever fathom, more than we as imperfect parents, love our children.

    "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 

    God has a plan for Cookiepants' life! She has a grand purpose here. She is here to take hold of hope and a future. We do not know what those plans are. We just know that we are an integral part of her purpose, she was gifted to us by our heavenly Father. It has been made clear to us that He saw something in us and wanted to bring something to life in us- in order that we would carry out His plan. Amidst the trials, I feel honored. At the end of the day, I can say that I am grateful. We are in a position of utter reliance upon Him because without it, we would fail miserably.

     We are exhausted but He will restore us. Our hearts our broken but He mends them. We don't always have the answers but He knows. He is the answer. I will not give up hope because we have Him. I will not give up because He is my strength. I don't feel alone, though much of the time we are, He is here with us.

    The days are long and bleed one day right into the next, day or night is of no consequence to me. The things that used to entertain me no longer interest me, Jesus has become the answer to every question and the whisper in every lull. I thank you Lord for your presence. I thank you for who you are. I thank you that you're holding onto me, as I'm holding onto Cookiepants. I thank you that you're my strength and my fresh air. I thank you that you are limitless when it feels like the walls are pressing in. Lord you are all. You are holy and good, no matter what— you are never swayed.

    God has a plan for us all, though at time, we don't understand it. And it seems, the moment we think we do understand, the landscape changes. If there is anything I've learned, don't set up camp anywhere unless God has instructed you to. Don't get too comfortable, you're going to be moving on. Earth isn't our final destination, we're merely passing through. Everything is tentative and impermanent here. Be ready. Be prepared to move, to shift yet again into the person who He is molding you to be.

     "Be on the alert. Stand firm in the faith. Be men of courage. Be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13

      "Watch out! Don't let your hearts be dulled by carousing and drunkenness, and by the worries of this life. Don't let that day catch you unaware. like a trap. For that day will come upon everyone living on earth. Keep alert at all times. And pray that you might be strong enough to escape these coming horrors and stand before the Son of Man." Luke 21:34-36

    Not only in our circumstance but in any and all, we must be alert and on the ready to flow into the next position we are called to. I never imagined being where I am today, with the set of circumstances I behold but I am here; I am ready, I am willing. THIS is my life. Not tomorrow or next week. It is right NOW. It may not be what I envisioned but it is the path the loving heavenly Father has me walking along. And I will praise Him in these trials. I will praise Him on the days we have victory. I will praise Him when my heart aches and I will praise Him when my heart is brimming with love and adoration. I must not stop. I must not quit. I must not be deterred. I must not be hindered. I will continue to fix my eyes on the Lord because— He is all. He is the great I am. He knows it all and sees it all and there is something great within my spirit that says to me- "I'm following that Man, He knows what He's doing!" Because the truth is folks, not a one of us knows what we're doing unless God has gifted us with the ability to do any one thing or another. All praise and glory to the Father for that too! Oh He is so good, isn't He?

    Be blessed today friends, be a blessing to others.

    "Today is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24 

UNDER ATTACK!!!!

     "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat." Luke 22:31
Satan has asked... Yes, asked.

     "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

     In moments of frustration, Satan is fighting hard to steal your joy. In times of trouble, Satan is seeking to destroy your positive attitude. And when there looks to be no end to the misery, Satan is fighting hard to kill your hope.

     Satan has asked to sift you as wheat, not to mention the text above says: all of you. Sift us as wheat; run us through the ringer, drag us through the mud, swing at us in a boxing match... We're in a war. It is a war and it has been cleared by the King of Kings.

     It's not cruel considering God's number one priority is our spiritual development and oneness with Him. This life is temporary. Our troubles are momentary. But while in the midst of them, they're at times overwhelming and consuming.

     Have you ever been under attack in the same way, over and over again? Or have you been under a string of attacks?
     Let me ask you this, how did you react? Did you lose your crap? Scream; yell, shout, throw things, cuss? Or did you just stop in the midst of it, no matter how urgent it seemed and pray instead?

    When you're in school and the teacher gives you a test, there are a series of questions you must fill out to get a passing grade, right? If you don't answer enough of the questions correctly, you're going to fail that test. In combination with all the other failed tests, the end of the year has come and you don't move onto the next grade. You failed to show the teacher that you retained enough information to move onto the next grade. So, next year, you get to go through that same grade all over again.

    How is life any different? How is becoming a well rounded person in Christ any different? Our aim as followers of Jesus Christ is to become more like Him. It's best for us, He set the best possibly example of how a human should conduct themselves here on planet earth. If you don't believe me, read more of His words. He didn't walk around jaded and worn down by the weight of the world. He walked with boldness and certainty. He had a beautiful soul. He loved everyone. He is peace. He is life. That is my aim.

    It hasn't been an easy road being molded to be more like Jesus. I'd be lying if I said it was a walk in the park because it hasn't been. I've cried; I've wept, I've yelled and cussed. But I've also prayed; praised, sang and persevered. My walk hadn't changed one bit until I changed my reaction.

    Yes, I changed my reaction. It is the only thing I have control over in my life- my attitude and how I react. Think about it for a moment, what can you control?
—Nothing.

    When the walls are pressing in and I'm exhausted and just can't do it anymore, I'm changing my reaction. The situation doesn't seem to weighty anymore. It feels more doable. An end appears. I pray. I pray my way through it, as I'm wading through the mud of life. I'm never alone, Jesus is always with me, so why wouldn't I talk to Him. We're going through this together, He is the one who gives me strength.

     Do you have those days where it's just one thing after another? The kids; the coffee maker, the car, the traffic, spilled coffee on your lap, that annoying coworker. Look at your reaction. Don't blame it on the universe being out to get you. This has more to do with you that you realize. And here's a bit to get angry about, Satan is betting against you. Oh he sure is, he wants to see you lose. He wants to see you fall flat on your face so he can come back next week and hit you just as hard for the same stuff. Doesn't that make you angry? He is betting against you and wants you to lose your crap... What are we supposed to do?

    War against him. Change your reaction. He's trying to get your goat, don't let him. Your poor reaction leaves the door cracked open for spiritual attacks.
"In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

    When faced with adversity, don't react poorly, you look foolish. You're being laughed at by the enemy and his dark followers. How is your poor reaction any different from that of a 3 year old having a temper tantrum? It isn't. We're adults, we're followers of Christ. Let's seek out godly council, pray and react appropriately.

    Jesus is your strength. Jesus will spur you on and give you whatever is necessary to press on. I know like can really stink sometimes but our ridiculous reaction just makes it worse and secures us a spot for continued attacks. The best encouragement I can find to support this; "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

     An antagonist will eventually give up when they're not getting the reaction they desire from you. Submit yourselves to God! Pray. Trust. Press in. Submit. Resist by not giving in. Say no. Talk to Jesus. Satan will leave you alone. He has to because you closed the door that allowed him in.

    Friends, I know we've all been here. It's part of life. Life wasn't meant to make us happy- although we find happiness while we're here. Life was meant to mold us into the character and nature of Christ. We could have no better role model than He. Praise Him in your trials, press into Him. He defeated death and the devil. We don't know how to navigate through the minefields of life, but He does.

Have a blessed day friends!

Relationships

      Reality is a strange thing... It isn't what we think it is either. There is a whole other alternate realm in which we move about, yet can't see. I know there are some twisted teachings on this, some more new age twisted ones. I know because I used to read the material and "practice" it. As always the enemy takes what is good and twists it.

    There are things that we can't see that we're protected from, sometimes we find out what those things were and other times we don't. We are always in danger of some snare somewhere.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 
     There are things God protects us from and there are pitfalls we can avoid but being aware and by praying continually. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
It sounds complicated, praying all the time. I think of it as talking to Jesus all day long, even if what you're saying is what you would deem boring. It's a relationship in which you share everything, even your silly little trivial thoughts. He already knows what you're thinking, the obedience and gesture of friendship is in saying those things out loud.

     Jesus can even help you make decisions. "Lord, is this your will? What do you want me to do in this circumstance?" The Holy spirit knows when it's time to speak and when it's time to keep your mouth shut. If I didn't heed the Holy Spirits prompting I would say all kinds of things that weren't helpful or of use to others. It's not hard, it just requires a bit of obedience on our parts. Talking to God all day is far more real than the chair your sitting in. God is eternal. This world is temporal. That sums it up. And if Jesus Christ is your Lord and savior and you're going to spend eternity with Him, don't you want to talk to Him everyday- all day long? I know I do! I get distracted. There are so many things to distract me away from what is most important. But that is also part of the enemy's plan too.

    When you're feeling that ancient spirit of getting over whelmed- know that readjusting your gaze back to God will diminish it. Life says- do everything NOW. God says- in My timing. Our enemy comes only to steal and kill and destroy. (John 10;10) Talking to God will help you discern what needs to be attended to immediately and what doesn't. It's amazing the things that will distract us away from what matters more.

     We also live in an age where being social means logging into our social media account. Which doesn't supplement real human contact but in some cases, we've allowed it to. We have successfully substituted real friendships for "only at my convenience" and "just give me a quick rundown." Does that really replace face to face communication? No! We are accepting cheap substitutes for real friendships. Is social media nice to keep in touch with people who don't live in the same country or state as you? Absolutely, yes. But if it's a legitimate friendship, you're not keeping tabs on one another just by your status update and choreographed pictures that are posted.

     Our enemy is quite crafty when it comes to the allure of what he has in mind. Everything that he does offer is nothing but a cheap substitution. It's like paying Prada prices for a knock off bag where the stitches are all misaligned. That's not Prada.
      I listened to a sermon yesterday that served as a good reminded for all friendships, not just marriages. There was one scripture that stood out to me the most-  "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." Proverbs 17:17 
Born for a time of adversity... Real family and friends are the ones that stick around. Real friends and family are the ones that bear your burdens with you so the weight of it isn't so heavy. Jesus was the ultimate weight bearer but we are designed to be in community with one another too. Do you step up when your friend is in need? Or just when it's merely convenient to be friends with them? The light and trivial stuff.
     I've seen a recent outcry against fake friends and superficial relationships but where is the effort? Where is your effort? Are you putting in the time and the effort? Or are you happy to live in the superficial world that has been laid out before us? The one that will not stand the test of time. First and foremost our relationship with God needs to be in good order, constant communion with Him. Second, our family relationships and friendships will either fall into place to lay by the wayside. I know there comes this point of frustration where you've exhibited the effort necessary to sustain a relationship but the effort hasn't been reciprocated. What answer is there for that? Pray for them and forgive them. We all must live from a place of constant forgiveness. Many times the offense against us isn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

   God is sovereign, if God is sovereign then our friendships are contingent upon who He allows in our life too. If a relationship is wildly out of balance as concerns effort maybe it's just a closed door and it's time to stop banging on it and walk away.

    God is so good. His goodness is all around us if he are willing to be of sober mind and thank Him continually for His goodness. Don't settle for less than God's best in your life, that goes for everything that is available to us. Whether it's friends, things or places. There isn't anything that isn't from God that is worth having. You will always be left with a feeling of emptiness.

   Have a blessed day friends.

We had no idea...

 

      I think back to 3 years ago when I was just a couple months pregnant with Lily... I try to remember the challenges I faced and my attitude and reactions to them. I try to think about what my idea of lost sleep was or what feeling "heart-broken" felt like to me then. I think about these things because I had no idea that I'd be sitting here, having experienced the things I have experienced since then.

   I try to think about the things that used to get under my skin... Uncontrollably screaming children. Grinding teeth. Vomiting. No sleep. Opposition at every corner. Constant mind numbing pain in my back.

   I think by now, you can guess where this is going. I'm there, all these things listed above happen or occur on a daily basis. If you know me, I don't seek pity. I have no interest in it, I write these blogs just to give a glance into the window known as our life. I view the aforementioned irritants as sandpaper to grind away at the things that never should have bothered me. Does that make sense? There are things we let bother us or that we judge but we don't know the back story behind those things. Maybe I made a mistake along the road and judged something or someone and that's why they're my sandpaper now. I don't know and I likely won't find out this side of heaven. All I can do is accept these things and move on.

   I am not the woman I was 3 years ago, there may be a mere scrap of her left. Though I know we have suffered some form of PTSD from all of this, I feel like we're slowly coming out of it. My plan is to emerge from all this trauma stronger than I ever was, more certain of who I am. What matters most, is who I am in Christ and boy have I ever gotten to know that version of me better than ever. Never in my life have I had to depend on God so much, someday's just to get through the day in tact.


    When we think about starting a family or expanding one, we get this cushy feeling. One of love and warmth and completion. I know I did. I still do. (no, we're not expanding the family anymore) When we embark on such a wondrous journey with our husband or wife, the mere thought of it is exciting! It's also scary because it's unknown territory, instead of 2 of us, there will be 3 or 4 or 5, etc. When we embarked on this journey, we had no idea that we would have such a high calling. A calling that only God could see us through.

    I was never much for relying on people or asking for help, I was always a "I'll do it myself" kind of gal. I think or two reasons, one- people fail you and two- pride. I've come to realize that people still fail you but I've also come to realize that there's no room for pride in my life. I don't want anything to do with it, in fact, I pray the Holy Spirt continues to convict me of any pride.

    Never in a million years did I think we'd have an unhealthy baby... Pride. There I stood, spiritually naked, pride-less. And all the things above that used to get under my skin, I was forced to replace with a feeling of love and sympathy.

   There were so many things I didn't understand about life and the people here. There are still so many more things I don't understand and will likely never come into contact with in my lifetime. What I do know is that there were things that I had never experienced or dismissed as irritating that I am now faced with everyday. My heart swells with love for those of us who are on such a complicated journey... We all are really, as no two lives look the same. We're all faced with challenges and complications. But it's all a matter of how we view them. I guess I was just extra stubborn and the only way to change me was to break me. And the only way to get me to seek God or look to Him in every aspect of my life was to bring me to my knees.

    We all bleed and breathe, we all desire love. In my early 20's I was blind to that fact. If you were lousy toward me, expect a double dose back! Now... I believe it's a waste of time and I'd rather just pray for them. For most of us, there are defining moments in life when that light bulb lights up above our heads. There will always be nay-sayers, don't let them stop you if you know it's right. We need to keep pressing on, moving forward, in the right direction. Our attitude defines who we really are! I know my attitude needed some fine tuning, though for now I'm still tired and my body is hurting I certainly feel like I have a greater purpose to my life. I was broken so that God's light can shine through me better. It was painful being stripped spiritually naked but I'm grateful it happened.

    Keep pressing on friends, let your hearts be filled with love for those around you even if they don't treat you well. Pray for them instead. We've all walked a path none of us knows anything about, love on them rather than judge. I share this because I know at points and places in my life, I made these mistakes. Being broken isn't ugly, it's beautiful- God's light can shine through...

   

Adulting doesn't have to suck.

       Psssssssst..... come'ere, I wanna tell you a secret... Come a little closer- there, that's perfect. You ready?
      -Just because we're adults, our life doesn't have to suck... No really, It doesn't. -Yes, of course I'm serious, you don't have to look so bewildered.

       I've recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be all work and no play or laughter or planning everything to the nth degree. I've seen a meme going around the internet that the Bible says: "Fear not" like 365 times but I think it may actually be more. I haven't counted, that would take a lot of time. Okay, cross check, Google says it is indeed 365 times. So guess what, that's no coincidence and there is in fact one "fear not" for each day of the year!

      Think about that for a minute, what is the root of all your adulting anxiety? I know what mine is, FEAR! I had one smart college professor that professed that fear was- False Evidence Appearing Real. That really stuck with me!

     I still have days where my mind starts spinning out of control with all the what if's and believe me, there are a lot of them. But honestly, as of late, I really just don't care. They're not my problem. Jesus told me to come to Him and He would give me rest and give me His yoke which is much easier than mine. So guess what, daily (dismissing fear) I turn over my burdens to Him. He's got it. Yes, He's strong enough. Who else could have managed to die on the cross for all the sins of the world? God in the flesh, that's who.

      With my new "fear not" banner waving proudly in the air (courtesy of Jesus, of course) I've had the distinct pleasure of feeling alive again. Yes, alive. No, I wasn't dead before but I surely wasn't living... I was getting by each day, head hitting the pillow exhausted. Oh I'm still tired some days, I'm human but my heart isn't so heavily weighed down with all the burdens of life.

      We of course have a unique circumstance in our house, our daughter... Whose fate we can't be certain, we don't know any of our fates but there is one things we do know about our fate- where we're going. That is one thing that helps me sleep at night, should anything happen to any one of us, we will one day be together again. Thank you Lord Jesus!!! I can't thank Him enough and I can't manage to live my life enough for Him either! It's a debt I simply pay nor did He expect me to. He just wants me to trust Him. So, everyday I wake up there is an exchange that takes place. I hand over my stuff and He gives me His peace. Yes, It's that easy... There are times throughout the day where the enemy tries to steal it but it's as simple as readjusting my vision back to Him.

      It has absolutely broken me how little I've been "living" rather than just getting by and surviving the day. Yes, broken. It's been like a thick cloud of oppression. It was dark and thick and miserable in there. I wasn't alone in there, maybe it was something I needed to go though to get to where I am now and have some staying power here. I never knew a sadness like I became acquainted with other the last two years, it was debilitating. There are still days where I feel emotional but I've learned that I need to experience them rather than suppress them.

      On the difficult days I know I can kneel at the foot of the cross and surrender everything over to Jesus once more. There isn't a limit. There is no end to His love and understanding. He will never tell me to go away. And He will never leave my side.

     I'm re-learning how to be an adult, the most responsible way I know how. It's been a matter of erasing everything I thought that I knew and replacing it with His truths. I'm letting go of the wheel and giving it over to Him, Jesus will do a much better job of avoiding the pot holes and pit falls of life than I will. I can have a bit more fun too because I'm not shouldering all that unnecessary responsibility that just isn't mine. It's not mine, say it with me. IT'S NOT MINE! Now give up. Really, it's safe, give up. Give it over to Jesus and start to live for Him rather than for whatever the world is telling you to live for. If you're living for Him, you're loving people in all the right ways. You're doing your part in the world but the stress is gone. Poof! Gone.

      The heck with stress and anxiety and all those other awful things were plagued with. Screw them all! We don't need them, do we? Life is so hard that we don't even get out of here alive... Haha... sorry, a little humor there. But we can have eternal life and that friends, that is a beautiful thing!

      Hey, don't let adulting get you down. Talk to Jesus, He'd love to hear from you and He'd love to share in your burdens with you and your triumphs. He's an amazing man.

    I'm off to go color in my blanket fort, have a stellar day friends!

Surrender...

        It's been a tough week, i'm not going to try and hide it. My mind has been running a million miles a minute at times, it's seemed. I try to refocus on the Lord but He seems so far away but really, it's me.
       Lily has been sick all week. We knew something was wrong Sunday night when she refused her milk bottle, something she's never done. She's been knock down drag out sick and still taken milk. We put her to bed that night and even though we didn't say it, we knew we were going to wake up to a sick cookie in the morning.
      It wasn't until afternoon until her fever really reared it's head. I went through the usual routine of stripping her down to just a diaper to try and cool her off. I can't give her tylenol because she will throw medicine back up. It's just what she's always done. So I put peppermint on her feet like usual and hung out on the floor with her. She began to scream and cry, I knew she was miserable. Her temperature spiked up to 103.9, that was in the ear that was facing up. Lord only knows how much hotter the other side would have registered.
     My husband was at work and fortunately our oldest was home, so she helped by getting me a cold washcloth so I could wipe Lily down. I approached her with the thermometer once again and she freaked out, screaming and crying, swatting at it. I'd never seen her so wild eyed, it scared me, if I'm telling the truth here.
     I made her a bottle of cold coconut water, praying she'd drink it and amazingly she did. She drank it faster than I think i'd ever seen her drink a bottle. She was in trouble and I think she knew it too. It was a huge blessing to see her so willing to drink some water, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't want to think about it either.
     My husband was able to get out of work early, given the emergent nature the evening at home had taken. I wasn't able to handle this on my own. Lily needed to get into urgent care immediately and I stayed with the other kids.
    They said it was a double ear infection, which has turned out to not be the case. They did prescribe medicine, we tried giving it to her. She refused it.
    So after a visit to the regular doctor, who is of course, still a specialist, she got an antibiotic shot. It's been 5 days since this whole adventure began and things still aren't back to normal. I'm still trying to convince her to drink her milk. If you know Lily, you know it isn't hard to get her to drink her milk. This has been uncharted territory for us.
    I've broken down into tears several times this week, it's hard to watch your baby go through something and not be able to do a thing about it. She cries and moans and I have no idea why and no clue on how to comfort her other than the usual stuff, like lots of cuddling. But cuddling wasn't enough. She's been in pain and for Lily it must be tremendous because she has an extremely high pain tolerance.
     We have no idea what plagued her and I've been in close contact with her doctor. He tells me to call if she gets worse. I pray I don't have to make that phone call.
     Surrender. Why did I title this post, Surrender. That's where I need to be. That's where I've struggled to be all week. Lily turned 2 this month, an occasion we were never sure we'd see. It was a special birthday celebration! She was surrounded by loved ones and a party atmosphere. It was great. I even gave her a cupcake to smash around and play with, even knowing she can't eat it. But we made it fun. She seemed to enjoy herself.
     I say surrender because I have no control over anything, still. It's been 2 years that Lily has been in our lives and she's no more ours than the day she was born. She's been given to us to care for. It's a hard reality... You spend a lot of time with someone; give birth to them, you begin to think they're yours, not in a ownership sense but you know what I mean. It's a tough reality, really. We're care givers. I'm a care taker for Lily. She is my responsibility. For me, it has been a journey of surrender. I've struggled throughout my whole life with trying to control things, make them happen as I see fit. I believe it's a natural reaction. I've wanted so badly to fix; manipulate, control, tweak, abolish things for Lily. To her benefit, of course. I've never wanted to change her because I know she's perfect just the way she is but I sure wish she was happier; healthier, more comfortable, more content etc... Whatever it is that her little heart desires, I want to give it to her. She has fought long and hard the last two years, I want nothing more than to give her anything her little heart desires... But there seems to be a problem with that idea, I can't. I don't have the ability. I often don't have the ability to fix her ailments. Or stop the crying. Or the pain. I can only seek God and His guidance.
     It's been a continual process for me, this surrender, everyday. And it's a work in progress that I'm just not ashamed of. It's God's continual work in me that makes me better. It's the challenges that we face everyday that stretch me beyond my realm of comfort. (I don't like it) But I know it's making me better, it's strengthening me. It's making me a better wife and mother and over all a better person.
     The days that I am the most tired are the days I'm trying the hardest to fix it all. It is without a doubt my nature to try and fix things. It's deeply ingrained within me, so it's a constant battle. I fall back into old habits some days and work myself into a knot. I get an amnesia of sorts and forget who I am and who my Father is too.
      As I said before, today is day 5 of her still not being herself. She's been fussy and whimpering. It's always concerning when Lily is sick, we never know where it's going to take us. She doesn't get over things like most people do. She gets sick much easier than other people do too. Winters are rough and this Midwestern climate we live in is probably one of the worst for her. The best we can do is be wise in our decisions regarding keeping her healthy and safe. Sometimes things just happen, it always results in flipping our house upside down.
     I am entrusting Lily's health to the great healer of the universe because I can't heal her. She can't tell me what's wrong either but God knows. I will continue to surrender her to God. It's the only thing I can do. I feel honored to have been chosen along with my husband to take care of Lily. It's been a difficult road but a rewarding one. Even on the difficult days as long as I keep my eyes on the Lord and live in a place of surrender everything turns out much better.
    I will say this though, this is not some cookie cutter blog post. I am exhausted. I still get angry. I don't get the chance to eat when I need to and I forget to drink water because I'm trying to stay caffeinated. Some days I want to hide. I'm an imperfect mother on my own but I know God is making me who my husband and kids need me to be... And I can stand on God's work in my heart alone.

Where I end and where you begin...

                                                Where I end and where you begin

            Marriage… For some that’s almost a loaded word. Unfortunately, marriages have been left open for a lack of respect; infidelity, abuse, or just not realizing and respecting the magnitude with which marriage is to be taken seriously. I can fully understand why the word marriage would be a hit below the belt for some.

           

        Marriage can truly be a beautiful thing. It can be an amazing thing. But no one ever said it was going to be easy. Even Paul warned: “But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.”(1 Corinthians 7:28)  Stern warning, right? Absolutely, even more so if you don’t intend on doing marriage God’s way. Read all of 1 Corinthians 7:28-34. Which leads us to 1 Corinthians 7:35, this is where I want to go with this. “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

            

        I will write from the view point of a woman, as it is easiest for me. Ha… Let me set this all up by saying I am not a model citizen (you chuckled if you know me). Our marriage is not perfect but I do believe that my husband and I have something of a rare quality. We recognize that we (ourselves) are not number one. First and foremost, is God, secondly, each other. This is the relationship we are called to pour ourselves into. This is the earthly relationship that is to be sacred. There is no man other than my husband. Nor is that concept even a possibility. There are too many options couples unfortunately leave on the table when entering into a marriage. The possibility of leaving or divorce. The twisted ideology that a man is to rule over a woman (in a brute, harmful way). The idea of living completely separate lives. A marriage of convenience. None of this is marriage. Not as it was intended at least. There is a mutual dance that was set afire when God created marriage. It was meant to be beautiful; deep, personal and lifelong.

           

          I have grown very passionate about the subject matter of marriage. It means something completely different to me than it had. I once had a worldly view of marriage too. I am grateful that the Lord opened my eyes to the truth.

            

         Alright, let’s crack open an often twisted and misunderstood scripture about marriage and a wife’s role. I think I’m ready for this…

            “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Let’s read on: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:22-28 (emphasis mine)

            Alright, let’s look at this in context. This is not sexist, as some may think. I have no problem “submitting” to my husband because he regards me as a part of himself. And-because he follows the Lord’s leading in his life, his intentions aren’t impure nor displeasing. My husband isn’t reckless with our life. Once we said our wedding vows, my life and his life were merged, we became one- just as we are called to in the bible. That a man would leave his parents and join with his wife to become one. We are also called to take care of our bodies because they are God’s temple. (1 cor 3:16, 6:19) Therefore, if we are treating each other as we should and treating our bodies as we should where is the fear coming from? Here is another scripture to set things into place too. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.” Philippians 2:3-4

            Some women would contend that they would have no power or say over anything in their life. I know I used to think that way until I understood the scriptures right. What do you want the power to do anyhow? Ask yourself that if you’re struggling with these scriptures. The only thing you truly have control over is your attitude. If the plans you make for your life as a married couple aren’t a part of God’s plan or will, those plans will be thwarted. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

            A husband has a tall order and a wife has no small feat either. In this world our natural inclination is to just take care of ourselves and look out for our own interests. It’s like a default setting. A man must love his wife like Christ loved the church (all the people, not the building) Christ died for all His people, the church. That was the ultimate sacrifice. Husbands are being called to love their wives with the same kind of intense resolve. The kind of – I will stop at nothing and do whatever it takes to love my wife. A wife that is dearly loved, adored and cherished is a beautiful thing. That is a means for motivation as well. It motivates a woman to hold up her end of her responsibilities in a marriage.

            Wives are also called to respect their husbands and submit to them. Respect your man for what he does for you. Respect your husband for going to work each day. Respect your husband for all of the little things he does that either you are incapable of doing or just don’t like to do, you know, the manly type stuff. There isn’t much else in this world that makes a man feel like a man when it is evident that he is respected by his wife. Now that, is something to go home to each night! Also, trust in the Lord that the direction your husband wants to take for your home has been well thought out and taken to the Lord in prayer. Both of you should take it to the Lord in prayer. With that as a baseline, both what husband and wife are supposed to be doing, what they are supposed to be to each other and how they are to act- that’s a pretty good start. 

          All too often we take each other for granted, as though they are always going to be there. Now we are called to always be there but that doesn’t mean you should take a person for granted. Love is the staying power. Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it; love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-39

How much more do you suppose we are called to love our spouse if we are asked to also love our neighbor as ourselves? Loving God and doing what is pleasing in His eyes is number one. There is NOTHING that escapes His view. That in itself is a good remedy to keep a clear conscience. We get our love for one another from God. It is because He loved us first that we are capable of loving one another. This is why it is important to maintain an open, devoted and loving relationship with our Father.

            If each of us is doing what we’re supposed to be doing in a marriage we should be good, right? As in, everything is hunky dorey, right? Heck no… not in this world. It’s hard work. But the best work you will ever do! It is a masterpiece worth fighting for. I think that was one of the supporting factors to Paul’s warning. Here is a major factor in why, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). “For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them” (Matthew 18:20). The reason why I led us here is because this is where the trouble comes in. These scriptures in regard to marriage are fighting words for the evil one. These two scriptures are the definition of unity, oneness, closeness. Our enemy doesn’t want anything of the sort for us. If it were solely up to him, married couples would just be feuding all the time. Here’s a couple scriptures to get a good idea of his nature.

 I know I’m jumping around a little bit but stay with me, this is so rich… “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him…..” 1 Peter 5:8-9

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” John 10:10

            

        What can we gather from all of this? First of all, the devil is real. He’s not the red guy with horns and a pitch fork but he is indeed real, the scriptures say so. (Isaiah 14) Second, the greatest lie the devil ever told was that he isn’t real. (some variation of that was in the usual suspects, origin unknown otherwise) So, if there is no enemy to defeat or stand guard against, what threat is there on your life; marriage, or even the well-being of your children? That’s a pretty twisted and cunning lie then, isn’t it? But, if you know the truth you have more than a fighting chance. Without it, you will fall into the worldly thrum of life.

            

       We have to be careful not to fall into the devil’s traps and fall for his disguises. He is the master of deception. It is what he has prided himself upon. The world is filled with temptation. If you seek God and seek godly council you will know the difference between what is pleasing to God and what isn’t. There is a very thick line between right and wrong here.  Keeping God at the center, living right and honoring your marriage vows you will have more hope than most. Not letting go of that first and foremost strand, this is a huge key to it all. Praying together for your lives; marriage and family, the Lord will be present. Recognizing the devil’s ploys to get you both fighting against each other rather than standing in arms together. A marriage united is power! That is one of the reasons why it was meant to be so sacred. Unfortunately, it has been made cheap and disposable by the world. It has been taken too lightly and it has been abused and damaged. I know all too personally, I fell into that worldly trap myself when I was in my mid-twenties. I made my amends to God for my ignorance and disregard for what He had intended. I am very blessed that I was allowed a second chance and have been blessed with a wonderful husband now and a marriage we both take to heart and both fight for.  

             

            In conclusion, if within our marriage, we come to God together- a cord of 3 strands is not easily broken. Your marriage will be stronger with God as the center point. He has the power to change, heal and restore. He has the power to keep you on track in your marriage and keep your intentions pure. Your marriage is greatly opposed by the enemy because it holds a power he doesn’t have. Even with all of your struggles and trials, if at the end of the day both of you can take a quiet few moments and pray together, the Lord will be there with you. And that, is quite the threat to our enemy. Because as you know, the overall battle is won but the daily battles still rage on. One way to knock down those daily battles is to stay united. Stay on the right side of the fence. Know your roll in your marriage, know your boundaries. Your marriage isn’t a place to push on boundary lines. Your marriage is the most important asset you have, next to your relationship with God.  Take the scriptures for what they are, in proper context. Marriage isn’t about power. It’s about unity if you’re living it right together. It is two minds working as one. Two bodies being one. What more a beautiful thing can there be? Go back and read the first pages in genesis about Adam and Eve. Marriage should make more sense. If you’re approaching marriage with the right mind set, there should be no sense of where your husband ends and where you begin.