When your heart breaks

     I used to think I was a nice person when I was younger... I was nice to the people I knew, I would give them the shirt off my back if they needed it. Paying for lunch was my pleasure. I wasn't afraid to smile at strangers. I'd watch the news and hear stories but would carry on with my life. I figured as long as it wasn't near me or wasn't anyone I knew, it was almost as though it wasn't real. It was on TV, it didn't feel real. I avoided thinking about the pain, I didn't want to. Who wants to feel pain? But the truth was, my heart was stone. Until I met Jesus my heart was made out of stone. He is the only one who can give us a new heart, one that is soft and kind. No matter how good we think we are, we have no shot at anything perceived as goodness unless Jesus is our savior. And even then, the goodness that does come from us is in fact His goodness radiating from us.

     "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

    My heart broke in an irreparable way. Sure, I don't walk around with my head hung low, sobbing every day anymore. God soothed and mended my broken heart but the crack that occurred 3 years ago is still there. It doesn't hurt the way it used to. Now, I feel, mostly love pours forth from it. It wouldn't have been possible without God, this I assure you.
   
         "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 146:3

     I absolutely counted on that scripture to become a reality in my life and eventually, after I stopped trying to force myself to live again, that scripture became a reality to me. It wasn't just some quaint fragment that someone once shared with me. It was something I read and was written on the tablet of my heart. I prayed and poured over it. I begged that it would become real to me because I didn't want to be lost in the darkness anymore. And once I began to reemerge again, I felt the Spirit tell me that the crack in my heart that I suffered would remain because that was where His light would shine through. I had two choices; be bitter or let His light shine through- through my deepest pain. Here I am. I'm not bitter. I don't "feel" broken. My heart swells with His love and my own wonderment. He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my rock and my salvation.

     I often look back across this journey with Cookiepants and dote upon the work of God in our lives. The utter lengths we've been taken to and the lessons we've learned from them and the growth that we've yielded. But none of this would have been made possible had our hearts not been stripped bare of all the "worldly overgrowth." Whether it's the correct answer or not, I've come to the determination that this was necessary. God is still sovereign. He is still on the throne. He will birth good from this, He already has.

     I look into Cookiepants' eyes and wonder what she sees? Does she see her mom? Or am I just some nice lady that kisses her and tells her she's beautiful? Does she know that I love her? Does she know she's safe here with us and that we'll care for her even unto our last breath? Will she stay here for a while longer? These are some hard questions that pass through my mind, often. I try not to ask them or even entertain them in my mind because they're far more painful than anything any parent truly wants to think about. They often cause me to cry, from deep within the crack in my heart- the one that never fully healed but yet, is mended. God is there. God is here. I've often prayed that when Cookiepants is quietly giggling to herself, the angels are telling her about her life here, in a way that she understands. I pray that they tell her how much we love her and that I feel honored to be her mom. Oh when those bright blue-green eyes look up at me, I feel nothing but love. A love like no other I've ever felt...

    So you see, the break is still there. God has filled it in and continues to, in a way only He can. I'm happy to let Him, He will do a far better job than I ever could. One last bit of encouragement—

    "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

    He will. I assure you of this one thing. Earnestly seek Him in your brokenness and He will be there.

    We live in a fallen world, where fallen things happen. But God is good, all the time. There is nothing about Him that isn't good. We often don't understand the things that happen in the world, I certainly don't. I don't love this world, I love many people who are passing through here... But there is a place where things are all made right. I yearn for it. I long for it. There is an "alarm" that often goes off within me, reminding me of how wrong the world is... I am grateful this isn't my home. But Jesus is making a place for me and for anyone else who trusts in Him. I will be elated when-
     
      "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

    One day dear friends... One day.
    Be a blessing to someone today, they need it.

Stay at home mom

     I am a stay at home Mom. I am also an author. I am also in the process of radically changing my life by living in better obedience to the person God has called me to be. It sounds complicated but it isn't, it's yielding to His will for my life- not fighting for the life I think I should be living.

    Oh I still have plans and hopes and dreams, I haven't turned all that in for a life of silence and obscurity. For the past several months, since the writing of: Human, being— I've been living my life more out loud than ever. I'm not going to stop where I am either.

    For those of you that follow this blog regularly know that not only am I a stay at home Mom of 3, I am also a special needs Mom. Being a special needs Mom is a tall order, to say the very least. It's a call to be dynamic; on the fly, flexible and thrifty. My husband says, "Special needs means extra pillows and blankets." Ha! It is true, Cookiepants is usually cozied in amidst a pile of pillows and blankets. So, when Cookiepants needs something it usually means- now! I have to be ready around the clock because we never know what the day will hold.

    As a stay at home Mom, I am always on the clock. I don't get to punch out and leave my work at work. Work is also home or anywhere else I go. I never thought I would embrace motherhood the way I have and I certainly never thought I would embrace being a special needs Mom the way I have either. I love being a mom, even with all of it's typical challenges and even the other the top challenges. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is who has filled my heart unto over flowing for my children. I know that God has strengthened me each and every single day. I know that the days I confessed to Jesus that I just couldn't do it anymore today, He was the one who sat beside me and took over.

    So many nights I've flopped into my bed with the morning light peeking through the window and the alarm was set to go off soon. So many morning fueled by caffeine and a hearty breakfast. It has been this love that my heart is filled with that has spurred me on. The kind of love that only God could fill my heart with, a love that never runs out and only grows.

    I think being a stay at home mom may be one of the most under rated "jobs" there is. Sure there are days where I scarcely get housework done but I've taken a new approach there too. But just because it didn't get done doesn't mean I sat on my rump eating fine chocolates and drinking wine while the kids ran a muck. It simply means I was too busy with the kids and it wasn't necessary for me to cause myself to feel overwhelmed. Our enemy wants us to feel overwhelmed but God wants us to have peace in the midst of chaos and busyness. We don't have to get all crazy getting busy around the house. Yes, absolutely take care of your home, you are the steward of your home. But moving about at break neck speeds and completely exhausting yourself isn't the way to go about it.

    Take one thing at a time and in stride with the day. If the kids are pretty chill, push to get a bit more done. If they're nuts, you may be best off waiting until nap time or bedtime. I refuse to be that flop into bed mommy at the end of a typical day and I refuse to have guilt about the things I didn't get done either. It's over, the enemy loses. There isn't anywhere in the Bible that says I need to drive myself nuts doing everything just so I can be a good Mom. Read Proverbs 31, it's a lovely depiction of a wife and mother. It's what I strive to be but not by my own doing, by allowing God's work within me to shine through brightly. Not the person I think I should be. Not the Mom I think I should be. Not the Christian I think I should be. Just simply the woman God is molding me into being. And if that woman doesn't look like the woman I thought I ought to be, all the more better because God's choice is far better than I can ever express into words.

    Don't be a strung out Mom, allow and make room for the Mom God wants you to be. Allow Him to mold you. Allow Him to have His way. Listen to His promptings, listen to His gentle call. He loves you and knows you better than you know yourself. Oh He is so good, dear friends.

Much love and wishing you a blessed day!

 

We're still here!

    2016 gave us white knuckles at times, barely holding onto much of anything and certainly not ourselves. Once again it was another year of learning; trial/error, crashing and burning too. It was a year of sitting and watching as those around us were living their lives while it felt like we were living someone else's.

    We watched families lose loved ones and mourned with them. While at the same time we gained an addition to our family and rejoiced in God's goodness. We watched milestones met, with the realization that others were surpassed a long time ago. At times the reality of it was overwhelming and other times we simply celebrated where we are. We are whatever we are, whatever that is. We're here, we're alive and we're still breathing. While there may have been many things that were meant to harm us, with tear stricken faces as times we still praised. God is still good. Even when we haven't understood, God is still good.

    If 2016 taught me anything it was a continue to praise even when I don't feel like it and also not to get comfortable with my plans. There isn't much that happened in 2016 that happened just as we planned. Judah came into the world quietly and gently, healing parts of my ever broken heart. Cookiepants decided that she would hold her own bottle the day we brought her brother home from the hospital. Another thing I learned is that help comes from the most unexpected places and people. And the ones you would believe would be there scatter still. I'm not mad though, it's just life and it's all a part of God's grand plan. I know that He is sovereign over that part of our life too. Sometimes old friends are drawn back together while others drift further away. I've learned not to count on anything but God's hand in this life, who He draws near.

   He has been faithful when I haven't been, He's loved me when I was unlovable. Jesus has been there every step of the way. There were many times I felt alone or overwhelmed, you'll have that with this set of circumstances... I'm still learning that, everyday.

     I've finally come around to the concept of making some plans and having dreams and hopes again. Those things were dashed away a few years ago, all felt lost. I am often reminded, because we're still here that God has a plan for our life. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I'm comforted by that. There were times where I just about scoffed at that scripture in my darker moments. But I've learned that even when it's hard to believe, I must believe.

     One thing I must carry into 2017 is the knowledge that plans and dreams are fine and good, they give me something to strive toward. But God ultimately determines where we go and who we're with. We will continue to make plans for the future and pray that they turn out better than we had hoped for. God is capable to knitting things together for our life far grander than anything that we could ever dream up or imagine. Oh how wonderful does that sound!?

     I'm looking forward to 2017 and all that it has to offer, I'm hoping there won't be so many bumps and bruises this year but this is life and those happen. They hurt, often badly... I just have to remember to feel them instead of just tossing those feeling aside. I am only human after all, though most of the time, my obligations should be assigned to someone who is super human. But God takes care of that piece too, filling me with His strength. I know that I can't go a day without Him.

    The end of 2016 felt like a tidal wave of sewing up gaps and it hit pretty hard. The week of Christmas especially. I praised as I held my cat for the last time. I praised as I waited in the waiting room for Cookiepants to get out of surgery. We praised as Cookiepants opened Christmas gifts for the first time ever, as did Judah. It was adorable. It was quiet and it was just the four of us, just as God intended I guess. We sat in our Christmas light lit home, watching old movies, enjoying one another's company and holding each other close. Just as we were supposed to.

    There is nothing else that could have taught us to love one another and appreciate each other the way that we do. Whatever we have been through has gotten us here and whether it was "good or bad" we wouldn't be the same without it. I wouldn't love and admire my husband the way I do today had it not been for everything we've been through together. When Judah calls out for his "mama," it wouldn't sound as sweet as it does had it not been for nonverbal cues from Cookiepants. One day we will appreciate a bigger home that much more, after having lived in a home that we're convinced we've out grown. And winter (don't get me started) I'll soon appreciate the meaning of winter one day when we move somewhere more temperate. It's all there, it's all in the plan. But mostly, I recognize it's not my plan. And I can't look back and state without a doubt that this or that happened because I needed to learn this. But what I do know, I'm just going to trust Him in this new year. I'm going to try and press into Him harder and when I want to throw my hands up in agony and give up- that's when I just need to drop to my knees and pray/praise. Truth be told, I just don't know... I can't see tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do next week or even what I'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow.

    So here I am. I'm waiting and I'm watching and I'm praying. He see's me. He hears me and He knows. He know's the desires of my heart.

   Thank you to those of you who are still here or who I've had the great pleasure of reconnecting with. And to those who have fallen behind- if you have to think about it, yeah, it's probably you... But to you, we were what we were for a time and that is all. And I'm grateful for what it was because it was all a part of this wonderful web called life.

     2017, here we come!
     God bless.