Waiting..........

   

  Waiting... When I think of waiting I picture myself in a line that isn't moving. My legs are getting tired; I'm getting restless, I'm hungry and I'm beginning to lose my patience. I'm ready to turn around and walk out the door and come back another time. But you know what, we wait— all the time in our lives. We're standing still while our lives are passing us by. And you know what else, God called us to a life filled with action, not a life filled with impatient passivity. Watching the days pass by, as we wait for something that we really want.

    For anyone who knows me, you know that I struggle with winter's, a lot. It isn't just the snow or the cold, it wreaks havoc on my body. I'm in a great deal of pain, every single day. It's tempting for me to just muddle through the winter months that pass, holding onto the hope of spring- with no care of the time in between. I've done it before and I've found that I missed out on my life. There was an entire block of time I wasn't actually present in, I wasn't engaged, I was too busy waiting.

   Waiting can keep you busy, even as some part of you is standing still- you're still busy. You're fixated on your chosen focal point and not paying much mind to what is going on around you. The days blur and run one right into the next. You wake up and do things and you go to bed, unfulfilled, waiting for the next day to come because hopefully, it will be better. I think it's easy to get into this frame of mind when you do suffer from chronic pain, whether it be physical or emotional. We're always holding out hope in the mean time.

   I came to the realization that while waiting for the better days to come, I wasn't living my life. I was accomplishing tasks but not living. I was getting the things I needed to get done for the day but not actually living my life. It wasn't fulfilling. It wasn't satisfying. It wasn't godly.

    "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God' love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

    "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24

    "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:12

    We can't run this race, standing still... Life is a race. The life we have been called to, is a race. There is an element of peace and rest that is always available to us through Christ Jesus our Lord, it can only be accomplished through Him. But the life we are called to isn't accomplished through our indignant complacency. When we're impatiently waiting for "the next best thing" we are essentially saying— I don't care about all this other stuff, I just want to get to the thing I have my eyes on. And that my friends, isn't living.

    God is in the small stuff. He's in the ordinary stuff. He's in the everyday stuff and we'll be remiss to see Him if we're focusing on something far off in the future. I know there are souls out there who feel as though God doesn't speak to them but my question is, are you listening or are you somewhere else?

   Pain sucks, we want to escape it. Uncomfortable situations are miserable. Heart break is awful. Winter (for me) is absolute misery. Dealing with difficult circumstances really begins to wear on you. I get it. I truly do. But as another birthday comes and goes and you look in the mirror and see that you've more wrinkles or see a new gray hair, realize that your life is passing by as you wait. Stop waiting! Your life is right now! It is here, in this place, doing the things you're doing, with the people you're with. Don't go to bed with the to-do list checked off anymore, live through it. Don't merely survive the days, live through them. As difficult as some days may be but be encouraged that the Lord is always with you. He truly is. We can't see Him if we're looking forward to a day somewhere off in the future because He is here now.

    "This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

     Live your life now, stop waiting. Even if this life that you currently have isn't what you wanted, there is always a hope for the future. But to take hold of that future life, we must persevere through the life at hand, and do it with a joy filled heart. God is in today, He is all around us— just look for Him. We can't afford to take up a position of standing still within the recesses of our hearts when we're called to a race. Envision the finish line but enjoy and participate in the race as you travel along, it will be well worth the journey, to one day arrive before the Father and hear- "Well done, good and faithful servant." Oh those words are enough, to know I made my Father proud, living my life in full capacity. He is the only one I want to please, He is the only one whose opinion matters.

    Be blessed today friends.

When your heart breaks

     I used to think I was a nice person when I was younger... I was nice to the people I knew, I would give them the shirt off my back if they needed it. Paying for lunch was my pleasure. I wasn't afraid to smile at strangers. I'd watch the news and hear stories but would carry on with my life. I figured as long as it wasn't near me or wasn't anyone I knew, it was almost as though it wasn't real. It was on TV, it didn't feel real. I avoided thinking about the pain, I didn't want to. Who wants to feel pain? But the truth was, my heart was stone. Until I met Jesus my heart was made out of stone. He is the only one who can give us a new heart, one that is soft and kind. No matter how good we think we are, we have no shot at anything perceived as goodness unless Jesus is our savior. And even then, the goodness that does come from us is in fact His goodness radiating from us.

     "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

    My heart broke in an irreparable way. Sure, I don't walk around with my head hung low, sobbing every day anymore. God soothed and mended my broken heart but the crack that occurred 3 years ago is still there. It doesn't hurt the way it used to. Now, I feel, mostly love pours forth from it. It wouldn't have been possible without God, this I assure you.
   
         "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 146:3

     I absolutely counted on that scripture to become a reality in my life and eventually, after I stopped trying to force myself to live again, that scripture became a reality to me. It wasn't just some quaint fragment that someone once shared with me. It was something I read and was written on the tablet of my heart. I prayed and poured over it. I begged that it would become real to me because I didn't want to be lost in the darkness anymore. And once I began to reemerge again, I felt the Spirit tell me that the crack in my heart that I suffered would remain because that was where His light would shine through. I had two choices; be bitter or let His light shine through- through my deepest pain. Here I am. I'm not bitter. I don't "feel" broken. My heart swells with His love and my own wonderment. He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my rock and my salvation.

     I often look back across this journey with Cookiepants and dote upon the work of God in our lives. The utter lengths we've been taken to and the lessons we've learned from them and the growth that we've yielded. But none of this would have been made possible had our hearts not been stripped bare of all the "worldly overgrowth." Whether it's the correct answer or not, I've come to the determination that this was necessary. God is still sovereign. He is still on the throne. He will birth good from this, He already has.

     I look into Cookiepants' eyes and wonder what she sees? Does she see her mom? Or am I just some nice lady that kisses her and tells her she's beautiful? Does she know that I love her? Does she know she's safe here with us and that we'll care for her even unto our last breath? Will she stay here for a while longer? These are some hard questions that pass through my mind, often. I try not to ask them or even entertain them in my mind because they're far more painful than anything any parent truly wants to think about. They often cause me to cry, from deep within the crack in my heart- the one that never fully healed but yet, is mended. God is there. God is here. I've often prayed that when Cookiepants is quietly giggling to herself, the angels are telling her about her life here, in a way that she understands. I pray that they tell her how much we love her and that I feel honored to be her mom. Oh when those bright blue-green eyes look up at me, I feel nothing but love. A love like no other I've ever felt...

    So you see, the break is still there. God has filled it in and continues to, in a way only He can. I'm happy to let Him, He will do a far better job than I ever could. One last bit of encouragement—

    "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

    He will. I assure you of this one thing. Earnestly seek Him in your brokenness and He will be there.

    We live in a fallen world, where fallen things happen. But God is good, all the time. There is nothing about Him that isn't good. We often don't understand the things that happen in the world, I certainly don't. I don't love this world, I love many people who are passing through here... But there is a place where things are all made right. I yearn for it. I long for it. There is an "alarm" that often goes off within me, reminding me of how wrong the world is... I am grateful this isn't my home. But Jesus is making a place for me and for anyone else who trusts in Him. I will be elated when-
     
      "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

    One day dear friends... One day.
    Be a blessing to someone today, they need it.