Reflections

     I remember my 20's... They weren't that long ago, really. But I often wonder where they went and what the hell happened?
    I remember the days of not having an agenda; sleeping until I just woke up, working so I had enough money for the essentials and a whole lot of fun...
 
     What makes my 20's even stranger is how at times, I feel like I'm a 15 year old trapped in a 30 somethings body. I look at my three kids someday's and think to myself, I'm somebody's mother? It's not that I never thought I'd have kids, I knew I always wanted to, it just seems like sometimes it snuck up so fast on me. As if it were an over night thing, like BAM here you go- 3 kids...
 
     What on earth happened? When did life get so serious? Or at least it sure feels that way. Life the last several years has felt like a list of don't do's. I miss trying new things and going new places... I miss having fun.

   I know of a real turning point for me and not for the better either... When Cookie was born. You know that moment right before something really bad is about to happen? You're frozen in place, watching, waiting for the impact? If you've ever been in a car accident that you saw coming, you know what I'm talking about then. I've been living there, someday's. I'm holding my breath, I'm braced for impact, my eyes widened... I've been there for over two years.

   The strange thing is, we've had some really good days lately. The weather has been warm and the sun has been shining bright. It's the perfect combination for Cookie to have a good day and she's been having a lot more of them lately. I've even been laughing a bit more, smiling and doting upon how "good" things have been but somewhere in me, I'm still posed for disaster.

    Jesus said He came to give us life to the full. That scripture often cycles through my mind. I'm not living. Not even close. Someday's I come to the conclusion that I left my heart bleeding on the floor of that hospital where one of our worst nightmares came true. At least we thought it was a nightmare...

    In the midst of this great trial, we've discovered what a blessing all of this is. Now, I've never been the greatest at coping with the hard stuff, I've been accustomed to just shutting down. It's always been easier to deal with the pain that way. Due to the nature of this life lesson, being that it isn't temporary or so it seems, it's going to last a while... I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to learn how to live like this... Really live, not just get by. Though I've been walking it out for over two years now, it's time to pull the veil down and feel everything again, even if it hurts.

   I don't think anyone likes pain... I've endured three labor's; an unhealthy helping of dental pain, heartache, broken bones, wounds etc. But I don't know many that would willingly walk into it, yelling; "hit me again."

    We're all here, walking through fire just to get to the other side. Everyone's blaze looks different from the next guy or gal's. We've all come from different places, gone through different things and were affected by those things respective to who we are. It's shaped us.

    I've thought a lot about how I want this to shape me... It's already begun but I just need to let go and let the Lord go to work on me. I don't know most days what it is that I'm holding onto? Am I afraid that I'll lose myself? The person I once knew myself to be? I know I'm not her anymore. If there is anything that I do know, it's that after everything we've been through the last couple of years, we could never be those people again. We've been forever changed. I take heart in knowing that I'm closer to being like Jesus than I ever was. I feel it in my heart. That is the ultimate goal while I'm here, after all.  "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35

     We didn't think this was what we signed up for but it was, walking with the Lord. It was bigger than my "down for whatever" mentality that I had when I was in my 20's. In my 20's I was reckless and didn't really care about anything or anyone but myself. When I came to Jesus, I did sign up for "down for whatever." I am to "take up my cross daily." I still have a long way to go, being more like Jesus. I'm a work in progress. I'd rather be plodding forward than just sitting and sulking over what I thought could have been.

   I know that was a hang up of mine, the picture I had in my head. It looks nothing like what I see. It wasn't a part of the plan. But how often for life look like the picture in your head? We often think we know whats best for us. The easier way through life. The un-messy life. You know what, I'd get bored. I do that... I get bored pretty easily, I really do.

    I've been challenged to live a life without boredom. Sure, I have days that I get bored, plenty of them. But they're messy days. They're unpredictable days. In my 20's, everything was pretty predictable. It was perfect for who I was then but not for who I am now. Fortunately, I've evolved beyond that woman. I care a lot more. I love a lot harder, I finally know what love really is. It's taken me all of this to learn what love is. I know that the whole point of being here is love... The world is missing the point or hatred is masked as love. Think about that one and what you see all around you now. That's another story for another day.

   Another scripture that has been coming to mind lately has been: "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39

   I think about it often, handing over the vision I had in my head in exchange for what the Lord has in store for me. I surrender! Again, I surrender... I can't keep fighting what is for what I thought I wanted. Okay Lord, give me your vision. Show me what you want, I want to love like you do. And help me to choose peace about it rather than feeling defeated.

    When I feel like I just can't do it anymore, that still small voice reminds me I'm not alone. Keep going! C'mon, this way love, you've got it. Don't give up now...

    I know that I won't have it my way, it's getting my mind to agree with what my heart already knows.

    My 20's are gone, along with a wayward life. I have more purpose now than I ever did before and I'm working on embracing His vision. Here we go...