The worst thing about being a parent.

    I believe as parents we strive to do the best we can for our kids and choose whats best for them. So when you're struck sideways by something unexpected, often times you're left feeling helpless and sometimes angry, to say the least. You're ushered into a different realm of life that you never would have chosen for your child and certainly not for yourself either.

     We stood over our brand new baby girl. She was peacefully sleeping a midst all the people talking and working. We were filled with so many questions, the biggest one being, why? She seemed so small and helpless, even more so with all the cords and sensors hooked up to her, which led to a monitor. I was afraid to pick her up. My desire to hold her and comfort her was far greater than any fear I had at this point. She was our long awaited baby.

    I think like any parent would be feeling, I wanted to take it all away. I wanted to pray or petition my way out of this one. But my good sense reminded me, God cannot be manipulated, nor would I actually try. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of helplessness because I knew there was nothing I could do but pray. There was nothing I could physically do, there was no information that I had that would resolve any of this. All we had was time.

    There is something about this path we have been thrusted onto that will make sense one day. It may not be on this side of Heaven that we will know. As the days pass and new obstacles present themselves I have the option to be faithful and seek as much joy in our circumstances as I possibly can. Or the alternative, self loathing, anger, pity, carelessness.

    There are still many days where I wish I could take it all away. Not for my convenience but for Lily's. Much like my husband and I have been groomed for this, Lily had preparation of her own for this too. Her state wasn't haphazardly planned, it was allowed in our life and in hers. God gives us what we need each day to be effective.

     Oddly, while I was pregnant I spent a lot of time reading books on God and His nature. It was no coincidence that I spent all that time reading because I need that understanding now. Nothing just happens. Nothing falls through the cracks. Nothing gets past God. No one can succeed against Him or us if it isn't within His will. Nothing we view as "bad" happens, unless it's for our good and for His glory. Anything that we view as "bad" that happens, God can make good come from it.


     I'll be the first to say that someday's I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are days where I just want to sit in my proverbial mud puddle and wallow in my own self pity. God has called me to something higher than that. I am a sheep and sheep don't like to be dirty. Jesus is the good Shepard. The days when my mind strays away into darker places He sets off to find me. I don't understand any of this but I do know He's mourns with me when I hurt. God has a plan in all of this.

     The worst thing about being a parent is not being able to fix it. Oh how I want to fix it but I can't. It't not my job. I can't even give a sound explanation for all of this either, at least not one that most folks understand. There was no cause and effect. There was no action and reaction. There is nothing other than this was foreseen by the only one who can see. I can only see what I am doing right now, this very moment. I can plan all I want for the future but the Lord determines my steps. I can't fix this right now but I can pray and I can be faithful with what God has given me, a very special little girl.

    God provides every day what we need. I am confident He will continue to provide what we need to take care of Lily. My choice is my attitude, that's the only thing I have any control over. Paul, who was in chains wrote to be joyful always. Paul had a confident hope of what his future was, what it would be when he left this earth. Jesus did warn us that we would have trouble in this life. Paul knew it was his body that could be broken but not his hope nor his spirit. Oh to be able to grasp onto that each day, it takes much wisdom and faith. Faith builds in time and my faith is very much still a work in progress. As I am a work in progress. Sanctification is meant to take place over the span of your life, not over night. This process, these circumstances are very much shaping me to be more like the person God wants me to be- if I continue to be faithful and let it change me and cause me to grow.

      Beneath the surface of all of this, there is a great work taking place on all parties involved. Boosting faith and confidence in the One who knows. Even while someday's things look bleak or that there is no end in sight, there is something already planned. It may not be what I had planned but whatever it is, He will provide the strength for it. At this time, when we don't know anymore than we can see, we can hold tightly to the One who knows and can see. We can continue to be faithful with what we have. And we can continue to seek His face, rather than just what He has in His hands. This is my job, my goal. This is what has been asked of me.

    The worst thing about being a parent is doing nothing at all...